(Unsplash - Cullen Smith)
I’ve never really been comfortable seeing a lot of candles burning throughout a house. Maybe it is because it reminds me of “the fire.”
Our home in Dallas burned in 1974.
I was home from college (University of North Texas - 1974) and gasoline from my car ignited with a flame from our gas dryer in our garage. My mother and brother were inside our house. They managed to get out without getting injured. I was in the garage, where it ignited.
I remember this fire well. It engulfed our entire home. I remember being burned on my leg and my friend “Kip” taking me to the hospital. The fire burned most everything in our house. It destroyed each room, our clothes, our pictures, and most everything our family owned.
A few things it did not destroy:
The fire did not destroy who we were as a family. Our identity as a family remained.
The fire did not destroy our memories. It did not destroy our family stories. I can still tell some of these stories many years later.
The fire did not destroy our love for one another. I went back to college in Denton, Tx. My parents lived in an apartment for six months while their house was being rebuilt. Our family was still intact.
The fire did not destroy our commitment to Jesus.
Right now, I am reading Peter Kreeft’s book, Before I Go: Letters to Our Children About What Really Matters. The book is about the wisdom he wishes to leave his children and grandchildren.
I have been thinking a lot about this. If our house was on fire, what would I hope would never be destroyed? What memories do I want my children and grandchildren to have even if our house was destroyed?
A few things I hope they will remember:
I hope they remember my devotion to God, my wife, my children, and my grandchildren.
I hope they remember that I kept my word.
I hope they remember that they could count on me.
I know they will remember how I made them feel when they were in my presence.
By the grace of God, I hope their memories of my presence gives them life and energy.
What would you like for others to remember?
One day I went to our public library. An old man was seated outside the entrance talking on his phone. He held his phone in the palm of his hand as he talked rather loudly. As I walked by, I heard him say the following words:
“I just want to be wherever you are. And - I know you want to be wherever I am.”
I don’t know who he is. I don’t know who he was talking with. However, I do like his words. There is no substitute for being present with the people we love.
Sometimes, when you can’t be present, it helps to at least communicate that you desire to be present. And it may help to know that the other person desires to be present as well.
In order to be fully present, I need to acknowledge that I don’t just bring my “best self.” I am also bringing my fears (“what if I’m not enough?”) and insecurities ( “what if I am lacking?”). I am called to bring all of me, redeemed in Christ.
As a young husband, father, and minister, I often felt as if I had to construct “a self.” I would try hard, work morning and night, and persevere, convinced that I could do this. My life had more effort than grace.
Years later, I found that God’s grace filling my broken vessel offers much more to my presence. God, in his grace, can redeem my “raggedy” self and shape me into someone who can be a blessing.
For this I am thankful to God.
I’ve noticed that some of us who have served as ministers, pastors, church leaders, etc. struggle to stay fresh in our 40s and beyond. Some have done this work long enough to finally feel like we know what we are doing. Others have developed habits and routines that may have been helpful at first but eventually turned into deep ruts which became stale.
The following are a few suggestions that might be helpful in beginning to address this. This is not an attempt at a quick fix. Rather, these are simply places to begin.
Pay attention - Do something you don’t ordinarily do. Pay attention to the detail and get curious. Go to an art museum, an unfamiliar coffee shop, or a breakfast place you don’t normally go to. I once took a class in art history at the Nelson Atkins museum in Kansas City. This was a brown-bag weekly lunch/lecture for area business people. One reason, I took this class was to put myself in an unfamiliar environment each week.
Initiate coffee/lunch with a person who interests you. - Perhaps this is an older or younger minister. Maybe this is a business person. I practiced doing this for many years. I would come to the coffee shop or cafe with a few good questions. After the meeting, I made notes as soon as possible.
Initiate a phone or Zoom conversation with someone who you might learn from. - I still do this regularly. I ask what these people are learning, or thinking about. I might ask other questions that relate to an interest I know this person has.
Pay attention to your physical health. - Go for a walk or run. Work out at a gym. Do something that your health will permit you to do. I go to a gym 4-5 days a week. This has helped me enormously with stress. It also seems to really help with my emotions and energy.
Take notes regarding what you might be learning. -- For example, right now I am listing five things per day that I am grateful to God for. This practice has helped me become more aware of what I can be grateful for.
Get curious - Recently, Charlotte and I spent a week driving through Kentucky. I have preached in that state a few times, but other than that have spent little time there. We simply went to whatever town or site our curiosity might take us.
Finally - If you sense you are becoming stale at this point in your life, talk to someone who seems to have navigated this well. What might you learn from this person?
As I mentioned earlier, I am reading Peter Kreeft’s book, Before I Go: Letters to Our Children About What Really Matters.
Are you familiar with Project Gutenberg? (A library of 75,000 free e-books.) At the same time, you might enjoy the Open Library.
I’ve mentioned before that I have been reading Allen Levi’s, Theo of Golden. (Many people are reading this book!) This is a good read.
I enjoy reading Richard Reeves Substack “Of Boys and Men.” You might benefit from this publication.
I formerly served as Vice President of Harding School of Theology, Memphis, Tennessee. Prior to this, I served as a minister in various congregations for 36 years.
Much of my time is spent in conversation with ministers and other church leaders. I do mentor/coaching each week. I continue to teach and preach in various congregations by request.
I am a husband, father, and grandfather. One of my favorite things to do is to come alongside another person and encourage her or him.
My e-mail address is: jmartin9669@gmail.com. Feel free to write. I would love to hear what is encouraging. — Jim Martin
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