(Unsplash - Nick Fewings)
Do you (like me) ever find yourself listening to fix someone instead of listening to learn?
Recently I was reading one of Steve Cuss’ emails from his Capable Life series (April 20, 2026). Cuss speaks of a conversation he had with one of his children. He said he could feel the tension building inside. He noticed a shift in the way he was listening as they spoke. He writes:
Listening to learn is the differentiated posture that remains curious and connected. It’s the goal, and it takes practice.
But when we move into listening to fix or listening to defend/hijack, we’re no longer truly listening or connected to the other person. When we’re listening to fix, we often just want to solve the problem. Wanting to help and fix is not always a bad thing, but when we begin offering advice or solutions without fully understanding their perspective, we’re not truly listening, and we’re no longer curious.
Do you recognize these in yourself? I cringed when I read his words “listening to fix or listening to defend/hijack.” Consider the following:
Listening to fix - I have caught myself doing this with my children (both adults). I am listening but without curiosity. Consequently, I am not fully present but am forming a response to what I think I hear.
Listening to defend - When I do this, I listen to defend my own thinking or to rebut what I think I am hearing. Often I can sense a shift within my own thinking and feelings as I become defensive.
Listening to hijack - Maybe you have been in a conversation like this. You tell a couple of friends about your vacation. One person responds with, “That’s nice but you should have seen where we went this summer. Europe was so wonderful!” The conversation has just been hijacked.
I want to listen. I want to listen in order to learn and to understand. This is best done when I have some degree of curiosity. Perhaps I could follow up with questions such as the following:
What do you mean by __________?
Say more about _____________.
How did this experience impact you?
What did this experience do to your energy?
What adjustments do you need to make as a listener?
1. Be kind to people. Kindness may seem basic but it is what can help deepen relationships with others.
2. When others make mistakes, don’t be that person who is known for being hard on them. Someone is going to break something. Someone is going to forget something at the grocery store. Yet, do I really need to be so hard on that person (my spouse, my child, my parent)? Is this the way I want to be treated? More importantly, is this the way God treats us when we make a mistake?
3. Pay your debts. If you borrow it, give it back. Whether you borrow money, a power tool, a lawn chair, etc., it is important to bring it back without your neighbor, friend, family member having to ask you for it. Far too many people borrow -- and then go silent. I don’t want to be that person.
4. As Christians, we are called to live with gratitude. It is far too easy to live with complaint, or with a spirit of entitlement. (”I deserve to have what others have.”) Some live by constantly comparing their lives to the lives of others. Meanwhile, what a blessing to live with gratitude to God for all that he has done.
5. Serve others. Serve in your marriage, in your friendships, in your community, etc. The culture may be carried away by power, wealth, and status. The Christian, meanwhile, is called to serve regardless of whether you are work, in your church, or breaking break at the table with your family.
These are just a few basics worth thinking about.
Life is often hard. This is reality!
You may be aware of the difficulties your family members or friends are dealing with. Meanwhile, some choose to deal with their challenges without revealing to others what they are grappling with.
Regardless, many of us are blessed greatly by another’s encouragement. This encouragement can be significant. I wrote the following:
Encouraging someone is more than a pat on the back or a positive word given to someone. Sometimes a moment of encouragement happens when we simply notice another. When we are intentional about paying attention and looking for the good in someone, we may find this is much more meaningful to another than we might realize. A word of encouragement, spoken sincerely, can give energy and hope.
I heard my former professor, Dr. Paul Faulkner, speak on a number of occasions about the value of simply helping somebody. He said one of the best things you can do if you are down or discouraged is to help another person.
I’ve found that when I am overly focused on myself, my concerns, my frustrations, and my problems, it can keep me spiraling down, feeling worse and worse.
I want to remember the value of encouraging another or simply helping another. This puts me where Jesus wants me, being a servant to a few people who are in my life today.
One suggestion I would make to any minister or church leader is to learn to ask good questions of people in your congregation.
On one occasion, I asked a large group of people in our congregation, “What is causing stress in your life right now?” I asked them to give me an unsigned written response to this question. I was so grateful for the response.
These people mentioned health issues, marriage concerns, financial stresses, and sin issues. They spoke about problems with young children and challenges with adult children. Some spoke of grief and loss. Others mentioned a conflict with a friend or family member. It was so good for me to read these responses and helped to curtail some of my assumptions.
You may choose to ask questions over coffee, lunch, or some form of questionnaire. The point is to ask good questions of the people you serve. You may find that your attention becomes more focused and that you become more present.
1. See Old Testament professor Carmen Joy Imes reading list: “Summer Reading List” (May 16, 2026). I find lists like this one very helpful for being aware of new books, etc.
2. You might find interesting this report from the Theos Think Tank in Great Britain regarding attitudes regarding death. See also this series on death by my friend Jim Reynolds, “Dying into the Resurrection.”
3. James Clear: "Learning more will increase knowledge, but only attempting more will reduce fear. The more you try it, the less you will fear it" (February 26, 2026).
4. James Clear: "When you are creating something, you will usually find that once things appear 90 percent done, you are actually about halfway there. But you have to create the first 90 percent in order to see the half that needs to be revised” (May 21, 2026).
5. From the Postanly Weekly, see “15 Tiny Mindset Barriers to Your Best Life . . . “
I formerly served as Vice President of Harding School of Theology, Memphis, Tennessee. Prior to this, I served as a minister in various congregations for 36 years.
Much of my time is spent in conversation with ministers and other church leaders. I do mentor/coaching each week. I continue to teach and preach in various congregations by request.
I am a husband, father, and grandfather. One of my favorite things to do is to come alongside another person and encourage her or him.
My e-mail address is: jmartin9669@gmail.com. Feel free to write. I would love to hear what is encouraging. — Jim Martin
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