"I just don't like him!"

“I just don’t like him!” is a statement I have heard several times from clients in my practice whose moms are working very hard to get one or more of their kids to enjoy spending time with their dads. This scenario could, of course, go the other way. But, in my clinical experience, it has been moms who have been the parents trying to micromanage the kind of relationship that they want her children to have with their dads. To be fair, this statement typically comes out of the mouths of kids who have divorced parents, and they are going between two homes, but not always. Sometimes parents who are still married have very different relationships with each child—as they should—but typically the moms aren’t happy with what they see playing out. And I often agree with what they say, the relationship seems to be less than ideal.

So, what can one parent do when she/he sees that their children aren’t having the kind of relationship that they wish their child could have with the other parent? There is no easy answer. Aside from witnessing an abusive relationship, watching a your partner struggle to connect with your child doesn’t require you to take action. Yes, you can make suggestions, coach and encourage your partner to try different approaches to improve their relationship with said kiddo, but it isn’t your job to make their relationship better. It is your partner or ex-partner’s job to do it himself. And if you are one of these moms, and have already tried to make the suggestions, created the situations to improve the relationship, only spoken positively about the dad, and the relationship continues to struggle, then it’s likely time for you to let the dad do the work himself. If he can’t, then maybe he should seek some professional help, not you on his behalf.

A very wise 14-year-old client said to me recently, “You know, my mom says that her relationship with my dad shouldn’t impact my relationship with him. But the thing is, I see how he treats her, so it makes me feel a certain way about him. Ya know? I just don’t respect him that much because of it.” These are things that, no matter how well meaning mom is, she cannot coach her daughter out of seeing for herself. Kids learn by what they see. Our modeling is the most powerful form of communication we have with our kids. So regardless of how badly we might want our partner to have a better relationship with our kids, that work is not something we can do for them. And our kids will develop their own relationship with each of us based on their unique temperaments, views and opinions of each of us, regardless of what we may want.

So many moms carry the mental load of parenting. They plan the meals, pack the lunches, schedule the afterschool activities, the doctor’s and dentist appointments, and they tend to be the one to inform the dads about all of the stuff. The latest statistics indicate that moms report carrying 71% of the household mental load compared with 45% for dads. I have written on the mental load of parenting, and so have many other (mostly female) writers and psychologists. I am hopeful that the shift to more equal sharing of this interior burden is happening. And yet, in my practice, I see yet another mental load that moms continue to take on—this burden of improving their child’s relationship with their dad. I am here to give all moms permission to let that one go. After you have stated your concern to your partner, given suggestions, and even handed him some names of good parent therapists, it’s now no longer your job to do the work. What a relief! Here is one less thing for us moms to do.

That said, for those who do like a quick and easy list of suggestions, here is a framework that fits within my integrated approach to working with moms who, understandably, want their kids to have a great relationship with their dads:

• Stop being the relationship manager. It’s very easy to micromanage every interaction you see that goes wrong. Instead of saying “You need to spend more time with him.” Try instead to say: “What would the two of you enjoy doing together?”

• Ask your partner for connection, not just help. There is a difference between delegation such as, “I need you to take her to basketball practice.” and “It’s important for you to spend one-on-one time with her. She needs that from you.” The first is child care and the second is building the relationship.

• Don’t become the middleman who is sucked into referring the relationship. When there is a conflict, avoid trying to negotiate between the two. Instead, encourage your partner to initiate reconciliation and for the two to work out their conflicts together. If it’s unsafe for your partner to do this on his own because he cannot manage his anger, then seek professional help.

• Encourage curiosity about the child. When any parent becomes curious about why a child does what he does, it opens the parent up to new responses. Moms might have a more accurate interpretation of a child’s behavior if they spend more time with the child on a daily basis, so they are the ones to encourage the dad to “get curious” about what the behavior might mean.

• Let Dad develop his own parenting style. This can be challenging for moms, especially if she has been carrying most of the responsibilities. But the beauty of having two parents, whether married or divorced, is that children can benefit from styles of parenting. As long as the parenting is safe and developmentally appropriate, children will thrive from parents who have the same values and goals but get there a bit differently.

Remember, moms can invite, encourage and create opportunities—but they cannot make Dad develop a relationship with his child. Developing a better relationship with their dad is something that no mom or child can do for any dad. It has to be something each dad sees is a problem and wants to fix himself. In my work with parents, there are plenty of dads who see that the effort is worth it.