The past few months have been a whirlwind of negotiations. How long can I stretch the dollars in my bank account? Am I giving up on my dreams by changing course? What is the balance between survival and maintaining my soul?
Everyone is tired, everything is expensive. I’ve never been an alcohol drinker and the older I get, the more tired my baseline gets. What does it look like to maintain a social life in your mid 30s without financial stability?
I’m really not into illusions unless I’m in on the magic trick.
Being in relationship (friendship, romance, any sort of intimacy) with a fellow auDHD person has its joys but it also comes with its own set of challenges. Especially when both of you have urgent needs that conflict and collide.
Repair is vulnerability. Even more vulnerable than conflict and rupture. While conflict brings up pain, repair brings up shame. It takes an immense amount of courage and ego death to open your heart again and again. But truly, it’s worth it. Even if it’s just for the practice.
Mostly, I moved out of NYC because I couldn’t afford to have a life there anymore. The price of rent, groceries, plus the anxiety of constantly being on guard and expending energy on nervous system regulation that could be spent on…living. Resting is living too, of course. But not being able to afford to be outside makes for a terribly isolating life.
I moved to LA to lower my cost of living and raise my quality of life. Having a feature-length screenplay and short film script in my pocket, I feel invested in these dreams and want to see them to fruition. I wrote my dream roles because I was tired of waiting for someone to hand me the job I want. I wrote the films I want to see, after years of study and research. I hope to find a film/TV/commercial agent out here and put my 8 years of training to use by becoming a working actor. Please send luck, love, and momentum!
Many things can be true. Choosing to see this sacrifice as an investment into my long-term dreams and visions is my way of maintaining agency and dignity in these dehumanizing, destabilizing times.
I wrote about the current administration’s ableist agenda for Vogue, here it is if you missed it.
I was also part of a months-long project with Tilting the Lens, CFDA, and Vogue as part of this year’s focus on adaptive fashion. I had the honor of being paired with designer Peter Do to collaborate on a piece I call my “autistic superhero fit of my dreams” because it carries all the sensory tools I need for an overstimulating day in the city. I plan to share more on the process soon but I’m still wrapping my mind around the fact that little me would flip at the thought of co-designing a custom piece that reflects not only my joy of dressing up but my functional, practical needs of navigating the world as a sensitive soul. Here is a page from the original mood board I put together:
Because of my constant struggle with finding foods I can eat, my partner suggested that I start sharing my gluten-free, dairy-free, pescatarian finds. My diet is so specific but all informed by an anti-inflammatory lifestyle to reduce my chronic depression and anxiety symptoms, so I wasn’t sure if it would be of much interest. I was wrong! Here are some recipes I compiled. Additionally I’ve been making easy hand rolls by making some rice (any rice works but I love the taste of jasmine rice), mixing in sesame oil + salt + pepper + coconut sugar (regular sugar works too, or any other sweetener), boiling some red Argentinian shrimp (the only frozen shrimp I’ve found that tastes good after it’s been frozen, Trader Joe’s has a bag for $11), mixing in chili oil (again, Trader Joe’s has a garlic onion chili crisp that I put on EVERYTHING!), kewpie mayo, then wrapping it in half a sheet of roasted seaweed (I order from Weee! for affordable Asian grocery delivery). Thought I’d share my latest easy-to-stretch, flavor-packed home meal with you as someone who hates cooking and hates washing dishes.
I watched the new Selena documentary on Netflix, told from the family’s point of view. As a former Texan, she’s such an inspirational figure to me. From her family-first upbringing to her iconic Houston Rodeo performance to the tragedy that ended her life, she’s a reminder that the greatest legacy you will leave behind is the way you live your life. Her life represents craft, care, resilience, and experimentation. Highly recommend watching for any artist, especially performers.
Harriet the Spy was one of the realest movies I saw as a kid. Divorce, whimsy, curiosity, friendship across class differences, exclusion, cancellation, redemption— major themes to cover in one story. Did you know, the movie was based on a 1964 children’s book by queer, radical writer and painter Louise Fitzhugh?
I’m slowly accepting that being an artist in late-stage capitalism means being in a constant state of compromise. Do I want everything I share to be an ad for something I’ve produced? No. Do I need the funds to sustain a lifestyle that allows me to keep investing in my dreams? Yes.
On that note, I have 3 offerings for artists and creative souls looking for resources to expand your capacity in these weird, wacky times. 1: I’ve uploaded a slightly updated version of my zine How to Build A World on my website. It’s been free for the past 2 years but I’ve made it available for an affordable price if you’d like to download, re-read, and support! 2: Over the past few months, I’ve revised (with more colors! with even clearer messages!) my zine Channeling: a guide to unlock creative flow and just re-uploaded the 2nd edition onto my website. This one is truly a culmination of 10+ years of creative exploration and it’s full of gems. 3: Tomorrow, I’ll be in conversation with Aki Hirata, founder of Minka Mystery School for a conversation on collective healing, neurodivergence, and embodied imagination. If any of these topics pique your interest, join us (for free!!) on Instagram Live at 12pm PST, 3pm EST. In transparency, we’ll also be promoting a leadership program Aki is spearheading. The code JEZZ will get you $400 off if you register in full by December 31, 2025. I will not be making any commissions off of this, I am just an enthusiast for healing resources that incorporate somatics and community care.
As always, thank you immensely for your continued support. If you feel compelled, please leave a comment with anything that resonated with you and/or any topics you’d love to see me write about in a future newsletter!
xoxo
Jezz
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