being too much in a world that isn't enough

Heart this post if you’ve ever felt like you were “too much” for a person you’ve been in a relationship with: romantic, platonic, or anything in between. Too much as in being very human, very in touch with your emotions. Too much as in more than people can handle. Too much as in always having thoughts to share, always leaning into vulnerability and connection while others pull away.

If you resonate with my writing, you probably know this feeling well. Whether it comes from trauma or neurodivergence or both, this feeling has come up in almost every intimate connection I’ve formed throughout my life. As far back as elementary school, I’ve felt like I was operating within a different set of standards and expectations for friendship. I was always breaking some sort of unspoken rule, confused by the social scripts and superficial dynamics other people seemed to innately understand. To this day, performative conversations feel itchy to me. I feel like I need to take an emotional shower to recalibrate.

At the same time, I’ve been told “you’re the best friend/partner I’ve ever had, you teach me so much about how to be a good friend/partner.” This has been confusing to me. My high capacity for care and constant desire for connection becomes both a refreshing blessing and a nagging annoyance to the people in my life. And it’s taken me decades (+ ongoing) to make peace with this.

Maybe my vibrant emotional life fuels my hunger for research into psychology, neuroscience, human behavior, and interpersonal communication. It’s not my fault that I’m hypersensitive, but it is my responsibility to receive and integrate the life lessons that come with feeling a lot, feeling deeply in a world that incentivizes suppression. It is, in a sense, a superpower. And even superpowers can be hurtful if not wielded with intention, responsibility, and care.

To be clear, I don’t think this is a strength that puts me above people. We all have different superpowers and different neurological functions. My nervous system, sensitized through both systemic and interpersonal violence, picks up cues people don’t yet know how to pick up within themselves. My body rejects what isn’t good for me before I realize why. All day, I receive signals from my intuition showing me where to place my attention. I don’t always know what these signals point to, but I do know that they get louder the more they are ignored.

When I bring up a need, desire, pain point, feeling, or thought in an intimate relationship, I feel immediate anxiety and shame. When I investigate further into these feelings, I find that I jump to catastrophic conclusions to protect myself from the rejection I fear is coming. I’m so used to people not know what to say, not knowing how to match my vulnerability, not being equipped to communicate with the depth and care I need in order to feel close to someone.

This is where the opportunity is. I’m afraid to lose someone I love because I need something they can’t give. I feel ashamed for overwhelming people because they’re not used to receiving the kind of vulnerability embedded in my daily communication. I can sit in this fear and shame or I can 1. celebrate myself for communicating my needs 2. sit with the discomfort of not knowing how the other person will respond and 3. see the interaction as a data point that helps me refine my relational standards.

These standards aren’t to separate myself from people or deem them as worthy or unworthy. These standards help me design my life in a way that supports, not suppresses, my baseline needs for intimacy.

My close friends know that I live for connection. I’m the happiest when I’m in open spaces with people I love. I’m happiest when we’re connecting with each other within nature. One of my favorite memories in NYC was when a friend held a queer summer camp at their home upstate. Over the course of a very sapphic weekend, we played field games, made meals together, and sat by a bonfire bonding through our thoughts, opinions, dreams, and memories. I remember thinking, “if I can have more of these moments in life, I would be so much happier.”

Everything is data.

Every feeling points to a need or unmet desire.

Every sensation points to a potential future.

This is why it’s important to tune into our inner worlds—especially if you have been conditioned to prioritize other people your entire life. Especially if your trauma response is more fawn than it is fight, flight, or freeze.

Tune into how you feel after an interaction. Do you feel inspired? Do your dreams and visions feel supported? Do you feel seen, in both the beautiful and ugly of who you are?

Relationships are mirrors and if we aren’t ready to look at ourselves fully, solitude can help us identify what we’re feeling, why we might be feeling it, and how we can lovingly communicate to the people we want to continue being in relationship with.

All this to say, being hypersensitive can create a special kind of loneliness. It can be maddening. Clarifying. Confusing. Exhilarating. Exhausting. It’s like trying to cultivate a healthy garden of feelings in constantly changing weather. It isn’t easy but it is possible, through the act of knowing yourself and knowing the conditions you need to experience your unique sense of satisfaction and fulfillment.

So maybe you are not too much. Maybe the world doesn’t give us enough resources, space, and structure to tend to the feelings within us. Maybe your too much-ness is the just right that someone is looking for. Maybe there are others who also feel too much, looking for someone they can too much with. And in that case, maybe it’s important we don’t think of ourselves as too much. Maybe we can think of ourselves as just being in touch with our humanity and empathy in a world that encourages dehumanization. Our sensitivity is a gift. I hope you find people to share that gift with because it is a beautiful feeling to be witnessed, loved, respected, and cherished just as you are.

If you’re interested in lifestyle design, looking at your professional & personal life through a holistic lens, or if you’re looking to make a big change in your life and want to create a “north star” structural framework to hold the version of yourself you want to become, I’m teaching a 3-hour workshop called Design Your Life! to share the tools that have helped me design a life around my unique wants and needs. I’ve used these exercises to transition careers, build a community of people with aligned values, and clarify my purpose as a multidisciplinary artist.

You can register for the workshop at jezzchung.com/workshops for either Thursday, September 3 from 3-6pm PST/6-9pm EST or Friday, September 11 from 12-3pm PST/3-6pm EST. Reply to this email or leave a comment on this post with any questions!

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