Is this Growth?

For those of you who don’t know (which immediately makes me ask - how did you get here? But there goes my ADHD again), I co-founded a business about 3 years ago. We launched it within 48 hours of learning the agency we were working for would be closing, effective immediately. Was it terrifying? Yes. Did I ugly cry for 30 minutes on a Zoom with my now co-founder? Yes. Yes I did. Was it the best thing that has ever happened to my professional life? Hell yes it was.

I’m about a month premature in celebrating our actual 3-year anniversary, so I’ll store the confetti poppers for a few more weeks.

What’s on my mind today is how much my perspective on work, and really life, has changed in that very short (but notable!) amount of time. What started in a turbulent frenzy of creating a brand, and a name, and a website, and typing frantic emails to clients and contacts, is beginning to feel like we’ve reached our cruising altitude. And yes, I would like a diet coke and a tiny bag of pretzels.

I think about what it would be like to be stranded on an island, and how those first few days, you’re just completely insane, starving and praying for a ship to come in. That’s kind of what it’s like to start a business in 48 hours. You’re contemplating eating flies. But over time, you get smarter. Faster. You know which fish are worth the hunt and which plants will make your eyeballs fall out of your face if you eat them. Also, I just really love the movie Castaway.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m no master. There have been plenty of surprises and unexpected twists and turns, and I’m confident there will be many more to come. I’m still learning, and leaning on smarter people who have gone before me. BUT… the biggest surprise of all… has been how well I’m able to deal with the bumps and the blindspots.

(OK, here comes the faith part.)

These past three years have felt like the aftermath of the moment a bamboo shoot explodes from the ground. Except, I’ve got two shoots, and they’re braided and woven together like the most beautiful loaf of Challah bread you’ve ever seen. While my work life was like a Jenga tower that was knocked over by the dog, my prayer life was actively simmering in the pot. It’s crazy to think how God was actively preparing me for this cliff I was about to jump off of, and I didn’t even know it. And now, I’m living in this world of more control, more visibility and more skin in the game than ever. But I’m also simultaneously firefighting the blazing inferno of self-reliance within me and it has been WILD.

3-years-ago Jess was relentlessly seeking approval and achievement. She was saying “yes” to anything and everything that would “help the team” or affirm her “value". She was burning the candle, not just on both ends, but over a dumpster fire like a smoldering rotisserie chicken. Her priorities were upside down, her focus was whichever way the wind blew, and she took things deeply personal. And all she got for it was 48-hours notice of her job disappearing. I think there was a branded Patagonia book bag in there one year, too, but that’s besides the point.

Praise God that I was able to wake up to the fact that all of that work I was doing, all of the anxiety, stress and burnout was just pouring myself into a bathtub with the drain unplugged. Realizing that by getting myself to a place where I’m not completely dependent on me has made literally everything better. It’s given me clarity and allowed me to discern where I’m being called and where I’m just inserting myself out of fear or distrust. I’m a better wife. A better mom. Just a better me.

I was texting with a friend this morning, and she asked about a proposal we shared this week. My response to her gave me so much joy. Basically I said, “we gave it our best shot, and if it’s not meant to be, it’s out of my hands.”

And I meant it.

It was in the meaning it that I felt my heart flutter. Because I really did. The beauty of the fact that every day, I am given a deeper understanding and affirmation that my plan is not THE plan. And I’m not embarrassed when I’m reminded of it, or smacking myself in the head like “Oh, right, you forgot again! DUH.” Instead it’s this sweetness of how good God’s love is for us and how happy He is to remind us of that. I’m just so, so grateful.

And as I think about that fact, what’s even more incredible is the idea of what’s still ahead. Because I have zero clue. Which again, previously writing that statement would have terrified me. But today? It’s written with joyful anticipation.

This morning as I was thinking about all of this, one of my favorite verses in Jeremiah came to mind: “For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord. Plans to prosper you and not harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” (Jeremiah 29.11)

It’s such a simple promise. There’s no mention of job stability. Or manageable mortgage payments. Or total health and happiness. Just complete and total security in the only place you can get it. And when you can allow yourself to fully believe and trust it, that’s how you stay in the sweet spot.

Eye mask on. No crying babies. Leg room and an open middle seat. Ladies and gentlemen, you can now remove your seatbelts.