I've got nothing great to offer, but I do want to say this

When I recovered from cancer I felt this awful, panicky feeling that I must now do some good in the world. I’m 47, a cancer survivor! have been in my career in HR for over 20 years, am a mum of teens - and so surely I have something important and wise to give back to the world, and should use my knowledge to help others?

But the pressure of this expectation actually made me feel really uneasy and so I backed off doing anything great at all. In reality, I just wanted my little old life back that was quite quiet really and not very loud at all, and that was mine and safe.

Two years on since my diagnosis I guess I have bounced back and got back to normal. I still don’t feel the urge to do anything great, but what I would like to share with the group in the hope that just maybe it would help even one person, is that I have a really profound and strong feeling at the moment that in midlife, you should truly, truly look after yourself and take care of yourself and be nice to yourself and do things you want to do - and fuck everyone else.

I don’t mean be awful to people, or be a bitch, or suddenly start hurting people. No! Still be nice. But don’t be so nice in the terrible way us women do of ‘putting everyone first in the people-pleasing sense’. You know what I mean, where you literally bring yourself to utter exhaustion and tears because you’re trying so desperately to make everyone else’s life so unbelievably happy and not to rock the boat and not to piss anyone off.

If you don’t want to go and do something - honestly, don’t go. Like, don’t go! Just say, no thanks and then do all the things you want to do. Do these ALL THE TIME, every given chance you have. And if you don’t know what you want to do when you have a spare hour or day, make a list. Look at it every day so that it starts to become second nature to you - plan it into your week.

I did. And for me this currently looks like shopping for nice food in M&S. Playing loud music (alone) and singing in the car. Buying myself bunches of flowers. Going on long walks with the dog in the sun. Shopping on Vinted. Seeing a friend for coffee. Having a bloody big declutter of a room. Cooking something lovely and healthy and tasty.

I can’t quite live my best life doing everything I want all day every day just yet (which I guess is retirement?!), because I can’t leave work atm. I’m also still a permanent butler to my two teenagers - so I’m still at the mercy of a few, and I don’t mind this and do enjoy it all still. However, the time I do get to myself now, I relish and cherish. I look at my list of happiness and go, what can I do? Then I go and do it.

I don’t even think this is self-care - I just think you get to a point where you’ve been running around after everyone your whole life and suddenly you just feel a bit more selfish and you need to do more nice things that light you up. I think this is also the menopause showing through for me as I’ve heard a lot of older women say this over and over. You hit menopause and it makes you start to look around and go, wtf am I doing here? Like, I’m going mad being all these things to all these people I have completely lost sight of myself and what I like and how I want to live.

Like I say, don’t start being a dick or blow up your life and leave your family and run away to a commune, but just back away a bit from being everyone’s go-to and making yourself miserable trying to be all the things. When you have some free time fill it right up with YOU, AND YOUR NICE THINGS - and do this more and more and more and more.

Honestly this is your sign to put yourself at the top of your list, say no more, and stop feeling so fucking guilty about it. If the only wisdom and top tip to share I’ve got from the last 47 years and from surviving cancer, it’s me telling you that I truly believe that investing in yourself is the best thing you can do. It’s what I’m doing from now on.

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