Familiar things

I’ve been seeking out more familiar things lately because they’ve been making me feel happy. I’ve never really understood before why people re-watch shows over and over, or films, or why anyone would read a book again, because I’ve always thought… what’s the point? To me this was a waste of time when a) you know what’s going to happen anyway, and, b) you could be putting that time into finding and enjoying something new.

And yet, here I am currently almost through my fourth time of watching Clarkson’s Farm - which is mad really. I think it’s because it makes me feel warm inside and wholesome. It’s also funny, light and I feel like I know the people so well. When I flop onto the sofa at night, exhausted from a full day, to me it’s a nice thing to have on in the background whilst I part-watch, part-scroll.

I’ve also been re-listening to the podcast, Sentimental In The City, which is from 2021. This is my third time. Again, Dolly Alderton and Caroline O’Donoghue laughing, dissecting and analysing SATC feels soothing and comforting. First time around I loved it and laughed and felt like I was in the room with two best friends. Maybe that’s why I reached for it again. This morning I decluttered the office and tidied up whilst they were in my ears, and once more felt good to be in their chat.

This week too I picked up a book that I’d previously read and loved, (Green Dot) and I re-read it. I did read a new book that I ended up not enjoying at all - Beyond Black by Hilary Mantel - and so I think I needed something quickly to follow so as not put me off books. Old me would never had re-read a book though… and yet me right now craved it.

I don’t know, maybe I’m just wanting to feel soothed and comforted a lot at the moment. Maybe that’s where I am in life right now. It makes sense really after my annus horribilis, because let’s face it, cancer and the menopause etc etc have really knocked me about and I’ve been feeling fragile. Maybe my nervous system wants peace and tranquility after the constant trauma, and this is all playing a part in it?

I therefore get it now why people seek out familiar things; because fundamentally you know what you’re going to get. You also know you’ll like it and you know it’ll make you feel good - and this feels really nice.

There’s also such a disappointment sometimes in new things that don’t land or that make you feel gross, that going back over things you do resonate or fall in love with, reminds you of great things in the world.

The reason I’m mentioning it and have brought it up is that it’s another thing that’s changing about me lately. I’m changing so much these days that I’m actually becoming quite unrecognisable to myself. It might be midlife / the meno, or the ill health, but I know I’m not like the twenty-something I once was. I don’t think this is a bad thing at all though - and it’s clearly part of my evolution - but I’m just acutely aware it’s happening and wanted to ponder it.

Something inside has occasionally niggled if I’m becoming too boring doing these samey things, and that a bit of excitement and spontaneity would be a good idea, but to be honest I think, as I say, I need care and comfort right now. And I guess if that needs to come, it will come. I’m just happy and content for now and fuck me thank god because I’ve been wanting to feel like this for so long.

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