I turned 38 a few weeks ago.
The proverbial (sometimes literal 😆) sweat drips down my neck as the shot clock ticks louder and louder by the minute.
The bickering between two versions of myself intensifies:
“What about that second baby? By the time you feel “ready” you’re going to be out of time. There’s no “right time”–just rip off the band-aid before it’s too late.”
vs.
“Something is telling you that now still isn’t quite the right time. You don’t know when it’s going to be, it’s just not right this minute. That’s a complete answer.”
😑
Let’s be honest.
I know which advice is coming from my highest self, and which version is the lower self that is still hung up on things like timelines and other people’s opinions.
But that doesn’t mean I don’t find myself embodying version A more than I’d like to admit. Enough to second-guess and doubt myself often.
This isn’t the first time I’ve written about this topic. I first published this post about how I know a “longer” age gap is the only “right” option for our family.
This was published, I’ve just realized, (much to my HORROR) over a year ago.
Yet…not much has changed.
UGHHHH SURELY I should be a bit further along in this whole CERTAINTY journey?!
I know I’m not the only one struggling with this! And because I talk about this so openly (along with many other “less openly discussed” things in motherhood) I get messages this one from you all in my dm’s all the time:
“How are you not worried about growing your family?! The closer to 40 I get, the more stressed I am!”
There’s a lot of us floating out there who are feeling the pressure and, I don’t know about you, but, as much as I hate to admit–finding others who ‘get it’ is REALLY powerful validation.
(Let’s just say I’m writing this post for both of us. 😆)
So if you find yourself in these same shoes, pull up a chair.
Do I have a STORY for you.
Let me get you up to speed on this LATEST PSYCHIC READING (with a SPIRIT BABY APPEARANCE) I had on Monday that I am still buzzing from.
Spirit baby: The soul of a future child that exists before they’re physically conceived. Much like the soul of a loved one who has passed, they can connect with and communicate with us through dreams, intuition, psychic readings, or meditations–long before a physical pregnancy ever happens.
BTW a few of you told me you met your own kids through meditation–before they were conceived! One auntie recommended this book which obviously I just ordered because now my curiosity is piqued. 👀)
Bet you didn’t see this convo going THAT way, did you? 😆
(Well, maybe if you’ve been here for a while, you aren’t that surprised! My family who are reading this are probably like OHHH BOY HERE SHE GOES AGAIN.)
Maybe get another coffee first because you’re gonna want all the details of this story, and what I learned from the whole experience!!
First, to set the scene, I need to tell you about my friend Alexandra May.
“Friend,” as in, the, “did we really just meet for the first time a few months ago?!” kind. We were actually STRANGERS until recently, despite following one another since our fashion blogger days.
(You know when you follow someone forever and then they pop up in your feed and you realize you haven’t seen their content in YEARS? Exactly that!)
Until Instagram recently served me THIS REEL of hers:
I had never felt more seen. And I’d also never heard another influencer say this stuff out loud!
So, naturally…I slid into her DMs completely cold and sent her a five minute long voice note. 🤓
I had a feeling the Universe absolutely dropped that video of hers in front of me for a reason. We immediately hit it off. (Our birthdays are even one day apart!? Cancers!)
She’s been fine-tuning her intuitive/psychic gifts for years (whereas I’m just getting started), and is starting to offer readings. (Here are more details on this page!)
She goes, “I’d be happy to do a reading for you, if you’d be interested?!”
WOULD. I. BE. INTERESTED. ?!?!?!
So, earlier this week, we found ourselves face to face on zoom–
“Is there a specific question you have in mind that you’re seeking clarity on?”
Ha “a” question, Alex? How about 5,000!! Okay yes, well, there are two that have been taking up the majority of real estate in my brain lately:
A second child–Is there one? What’s the timing? Am I running out of time?
My work: I feel like I've outgrown "lifestyle blogging," but I’m still figuring out what comes next. I feel as though I'm holding a Polaroid and I'm shaking the shit out of it, waiting for it to develop. I know I'm on the cusp of...something. I just can't see it clearly yet. But I do feel that this–Substack–sharing more of my story, and what I’ve learned in a deeper way–is part of it.
After the jump: The answers that really threw me for a loop, including one detail about June that made me say, “What the actual f*ck?!!” 😆
But also, the other part I haven’t been able to stop thinking about–not the reading itself, but what it validated for me.
If you’ve ever wrestled with the timing of a baby, a career shift, or any life decision where your gut and your fear seem to be screaming two completely different things at you, this is for you.
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