notes on a bad show

I did a show last week which has caused sleepless nights ever since. Horrendous flashbacks during which I pinch the skin on my forearms tight until till the cringe-worthy playback stops. I keep thinking about ad-libs I said that fell flat or were utter nonsense. I think of how excited I was to do the show, and how immediately the cloud of shame fell upon me when I came offstage.

I want to quit, I want to hide, I want to run away and go offline and never set foot inside a small theatre again – ignore all my peers and next time I’m asked what I do “for a living” I’ll pretend I was a nurse that stopped when I had kids but I now earn money on the side doing secretarial work from home.

I’ll do anything – any form of bullshit – to ever go back into the creative arts. How dare I have that dream?

It’s not unusual at all to do work-in-progress shows that I regret or where I perform badly. I’ve done one-woman shows now for 15 years. I have been awful onstage many, many times.

The difference this time was my shifted perspective.