It's not just postpartum where you can feel a bit lost...

My eldest son asked me, “mum, are you ok?”

It made me want to cry and so I looked the other way

Because truthfully, I’m exhausted

as a mother, friend, and wife.

How do I explain that I want a fling with life?

That I desperately want to be present,

always worried that I’ll miss it

But I can’t even string a sentence to geth er,

and sometimes I just need distance.

That without them I am nothing,

a book without a cover

And with them I am so exposed,

at times a little smothered.

That I’m still learning to love my body

and all it has given me

Even the skin that grew them,

the one that now hangs over my jeans.

My new size could never compete

with the way they grew my heart

That being alone puts me together,

but without them I come apart.

That I’m in between being grounded

with a head still full of dreams

Feeling a shift within, yet knowing

I’m where I am meant to be.

That my brain needs routine right now,

but life is just so scattered

But I know I’ll look back on the chaos,

and see all that truly mattered.

It’s not just postpartum where we feel a bit lost,

it can be in the in between

It’s wanting to hide away from it all,

and wanting to feel seen.

It’s still finding my way back to myself,

ignoring all the ‘shoulds’.

It’s arguing against myself,

if ‘my best’ was even good.

The most powerful I have ever felt

since becoming a mum

Then feeling like the queen of snacks

or the queen of wiping bums.

It’s feeling more certain than ever,

it’s grappling with the doubt

It’s knowing I should ask for help

before I feel burnt out.

He looks at me and smiles,

a regular afternoon together

He loves me more than anyone,

more than anyone might ever.

I tell him that of course I am fine,

and I go to cut his crusts

I’ll visit these thoughts later

and keep going, because I must.