Text within this block will maintain its original spacing when published
She cries herself to sleep After another ‘see you in a couple of years’ This time to friends we hardly ever see Other times, to cousins who keep becoming different people with every passing year In a few weeks, to grandparents who they adore The back and forth, coming and going A wrecking ball to stability Turbulence in my child’s heart that longs for consistency We straddle different lives, Different cultures Different people Our own world a collective mixture of them all No longer belonging to one singular place or group But also wondering If we belong anywhere at all Is it all worth it? This ripping up of emotions Like a piece of paper torn in half Over And over And over again These are the thoughts of my prayers when I let the honesty flow And I ask God, can we really keep doing this? Can I keep doing this to them? // I am gut-punched by one single line — “The adoption will not be going forward” — A year and a half of contemplating her face Carrying her name like a desperate, whispered prayer Daily begging for her to be mine I thought it was just a temporary halt Surely I didn’t hear the Lord wrong I would have felt it deep down—I would have known if She wasn’t supposed to be ours Right? I feel my dreams of her snatched from my once again emptied hands We’ll try again, they say But, what if I don’t want to? // I read of men and women from faraway places Losing freedoms, losing homes, losing lives Stripped of everything they once held dear Yet still pursuing this forbidden God Because of one who approached them in dreams Wearing white, hand stretched across the chasm A prophet who preaches of forgiveness and mercy over vengeance Or because of the contraband truth hidden under pillows Living words breaking through hundreds of years worth of lies Their governments and families scream, Turn back or lose it all! But they cling to their newfound Savior Even as the threats prove to be true // I know a man who left home and throne A laying down of His crown To enter our world The one who set aside His life For mine And came to me An always pursuant, never giving up kind of love All the way to death So I could really, truly, know Him His sacrifice becomes my guiding force His love my stability He takes my children’s hands and leads them, Embraces those martyred and drapes a robe over their no longer weary shoulders, And cradles my face with care A shepherd’s gentle staff guiding every goodbye, every falling tear, every wordless groan Into whatever place he calls me, them us So that one day, we will be together with a host of others Who will now never be apart from Him And will have their forever home alongside us, too // It all never seems worth it But He, my dear friends, most certainly is
Thanks for reading Entrusted With Grace! This post is public so feel free to share it.
On a lighter note, here’s what I’m learning, reading, listening to, and loving.
Memorizing Scripture again. A while back, I went through years of deeply focusing on Scripture memorization, and it was profound in my walk with the Lord, my prayer life, and my discipleship of others. But that spiritual discipline has recently fallen by the wayside. I’m starting again by memorizing one passage every two weeks, just on index cards. Want to join me?
Deleting social media for 6 weeks. I try to take weekly, monthly, and annual breaks, because man, I can sure get addicted by that darn doom scrolling. I was even starting my mornings by waking up and jumping on the socials, and that’s when I realized—THE TIME IS NOW. Get out while you can, Jess! So Insta, I’ll see you again in mid September. Maybe… ;)
Secret Believers: When Muslims Turn to Christ. Sheesh, if you pick up nothing else from this Substack, take this one. This book absolutely wrecked me.
Wingfeather series! This is a four-book saga, and though it took me a bit to get into this young adult fantasy world by Andrew Peterson, I soon began to adore the characters and Peterson’s incredible writing. As a believer, Peterson weaves Christian themes and values into the heartbeat of this story of good vs. evil, the power of courage in the face of great fear, and what goodness can overcome when you have a true North worth fighting for. *The whole set is 56% off right now—that’s what I linked above!
Exploring Christian Theology: Revelation, Scripture, and the Triune God. This one has taken me all year to get through. Maybe because it’s purely academic (albeit simple), or maybe because the Trinity already makes my finite mind implode as it is. But this has been my year to go deeper in theology and study, so hopefully I can get through their next volume on Creation, Fall, and Salvation faster.
*I ALWAYS read a “fun” book (i.e. Wingfeather Saga and Emma M. Lion—see below) alongside my theology or nonfiction books. If you’re anything like me, I would highly recommend the variety.
Holy Hygge: Creating a Place for People to Gather and the Gospel to Grow by Jamie Erickson. I’m halfway through this one and am really enjoying it. Hygge is a Danish word representing rest, comfort, and invitation, and Erickson shares how the gospel can be united with this kind of lifestyle to impact ourselves and others.
Here are some more books I bought while Stateside that I can’t wait to read. What a treat to have physical copies! Can you tell we love books in this household? *Some of these are almost half off right now, too.
Help! I’m Ruining My Kids by Abby Wedgeworth, Prayers for My Children: 100 Scripture-Based Prayers to Pray over Your Children by Truth and Light, Love in the Castle Library by Ann Swindell (my previous writing coach!), Life Together by Dietrich Bonhoeffer, The Reason for God by Timothy Keller, Even if He Doesn’t by Kristen LaValley, You’re in Good Company by Ashlee Gadd & Coffee + Crumbs (one of my favorite writing cohorts), and not pictured Strong and Fearless Faith: 52 Inspiring Stories of Black Believers by Jasmine Holmes
The Unselected Journals of Emma M. Lion. Oh. my. goodness. I listened to these 8 books within a few months (the narrator was perfect for the role), and I absolutely fell in love with Emma and the supporting characters. Set in the late 1800s from the POV of a young, single woman navigating her life in England, these books are charming, witty, wholesome, whimsical. Y’all know I love me a clean timepiece, whether it be a book or show, and I could not have found a cozier read / aka listen.
These two podcast episodes interviewing Kyle Strobel, the son of Lee Strobel (who wrote The Case for Christ). My best friend recommended it during our once a year or two in-person conversations on life, Jesus, etc, and I’m so glad she did. I am now a new fan of Kyle’s. He speaks of prayer and our relationships with Christ so profoundly yet with a refreshing simplicity. He also talks about spiritual formation but as the Lord intends the term to be—not in a mysticism new agey sense, but in how theology can and should shape our living. Give them a listen.
This church history podcast. Taylor has been listening to these non-stop, and I’ve heard the wisdom and insight he’s gained from them already put into action, helping shape his ‘here and now’ theology. I’ve only listened to the first episode, but now I’m officially hooked, too.
I have used these Bible highlighters for years, and I just ordered a new set after going through my old ones. They’re gel sticks, so they don’t bleed through. I use purple for highlighting verses about the character of God, pink for people, and orange for places as examples of how I categorize the colors. I l*o*v*e marking up my Bible with highlights and notes and then looking back through the years on all the Lord is teaching me (see photo above for a peek at my Bible—not because I’m trying to show you how spiritual I am, but to show you there can be freedom in how you study and wrestle through Scripture, and it can be colorful!).
Can I recommend a few fave items to the ladies out there? This moisturizer recommended by a few people I trust on the Internet, these 2 simple tank dresses that are oh, so comfy, and these glorious shorts that are high waisted and not too short.
This online jewelry brand that is waterproof and tarnish-free. I was so tired of buying Kohl’s jewelry that would turn my fingers blue and tarnish after just a couple of weeks, so I splurged on these and they did not disappoint!
Finally, I gave in to the Owala water bottle life. And it is hands down our family’s favorite so far (and we’ve tried a lot!). I apologize for following the trend on this one, but *sometimes* the trends are there because the product really is that good!
These travel vacuum bags may have been a little pricey, but they are perfect for carry-ons. They come with their own mini & wireless vacuum. With all our traveling, these were so helpful to create more space.
Our kids love their Yoto player. There are so many books and stories available as a great screen-free entertainment option. Any way I can get my kids into books is a win for me.
*I may get a teeny, tiny kickback for Amazon products if you purchase them from my links, but I only recommend what I’ve truly loved.
I appreciate your presence and time in this space. Life can be hard while also beautiful. I hope to point us to the goodness of the Lord no matter which part of that mosaic we find ourselves in.
Thank you for being here, friends.
No posts
Comments
Nothing yet. Say the first thing.
Sign in to join the conversation.