It's totally normal for the woman (in a hetero relationship) to be the "higher desire partner."

Lately one of the things I’ve been really thinking about is the situation where, in a hetero relationship, it’s the woman who wants more sex than the man. That is more common than you probably think. In my therapy practice, I would say it’s probably a third to a half of the hetero couples that come in for sex therapy where it’s a woman who wants more. This creates some specific challenges.

First of all we’re up against a real narrative, story, myth that men always want sex and are always ready to go. That puts a lot of pressure on both people. The woman may be more likely to take her partner’s lower desire as rejection, as evidence that he doesn’t find her attractive, as if something’s really wrong. This is leading a fair number of these women to even ask their partner, “Are you gay?” which piles onto how bad the guy is already feeling about not working “like men are supposed to work.” He may already be feeling inadequate and broken and self-conscious. It leads to a lot of avoidance of sexual encounters and activity because he might be thinking, “I’ve got to show up ready to go,” and so they’re avoiding it except when they’re in the mood.

This creates so much stress and strain for couples. The truth is anybody can experience what I call reactive desire. Basically anybody who’s not in the mood might be able to get in the mood and this happens for a lot of people. It’s not something going wrong. It’s not something we try to fix. It’s just the way desire can work for both men and women. It’s written about as if it’s only a female experience and that again adds to the stigma for a guy who has this propensity, this tendency with desire.

We have to understand it’s okay to start from zero. It’s okay not to be in the mood. It’s okay to start and see what happens without a commitment or a promise or an expectation. If both people can wrap their head around the idea that this is normal and fine then they can approach sex without that pressure and without feeling the need to avoid.