Ep. 408: [Soapbox] When Lower Desire is a Mask

In this Soapbox episode, sex therapist Jessa Zimmerman explores how the common higher-desire/lower-desire framework is helpful but doesn’t always accurately describe what’s happening in a relationship. She outlines two main ways desire can be “masked”: a higher-desire partner may detach from wanting sex after repeated disappointment, becoming resigned and avoiding sex because it’s less painful than hoping; or someone may have desire but avoid sex with their partner due to unresolved relationship issues like conflict, power struggles, resentment, or unspoken complaints. Jessa shares an example where years without sex changed once a partner’s underlying unhappiness was addressed and the relationship “container” improved. She emphasizes using the sexual avoidance cycle to identify obstacles—relationship problems, stress, medical or mental health factors—before assuming low libido.

00:00 Show Intro
00:45 Soapbox Setup
00:56 When Desire Roles Blur
02:07 Giving Up on Sex
03:20 Relationship Barriers
03:56 Client Breakthrough Story
04:46 Sexual Avoidance Cycle
05:47 Outro and Credits