feeling alive makes me think about dying

i can't believe
we all have to die
and are already dead
and haven't yet been born
delighted
horrified
and nothing at all
if time is only in our heads

I didn’t think much about what the year of the fire horse would mean for me when everyone was writing about the Chinese new year a couple months back, but there might be something to it. Despite my unannounced absence from this newsletter over the past few weeks, I have been feeling a prolific sense of creative inspiration lately. Like the universe really said giddy up. And though it mostly hasn’t been fueled into writing poetry or prose, I have started a very exciting new project that I will share with you soon!!

Anyways, I bring this up because creative inspiration has given me this zest and excitement for life that I haven’t felt in a long time. Being alive is magical when you have a sense of purpose and the privilege to pursue it. On the other hand, with the spark has come moments of heightened anxiety and occasional tinges of existential dread.

I wonder if sometimes the reason we don’t follow our dreams is the same reason we self sabotage or avoid true intimacy in relationships. When we embody our truest selves and love unabashedly, we are reminded that this is all very fleeting. We are forced to acknowledge that we don’t get to be here or feel this way forever.

Working on holding both truths as always and curious if you ever feel the same way. Let me know <3

Love, Jenny

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