I have been tired. Bone-achingly tired. Often with a headache. Frequently nauseous. Itchy as hell. Occasionally, since my symptoms started, I would have a drink (or three) with friends and the malaise would finally melt away, offering some relief—a tempting proposition. But then the next day, it always came back with a vengeance.
On one such occasion, 110 days ago (not that I’m counting), I woke up and started retching violently and didn’t stop until late that afternoon. I felt like I was dying. Sitting on the cold tile of the bathroom floor, waiting to dry heave once more, I imagined what it must be like to go through chemo or some horrible illness that would make feeling like this inevitable. And how sad, I thought, to punish my body with the kind of suffering so many others have no choice but to bear. So, I declared (like so many before me), I’m never drinking again.
I haven’t had more than a sip of alcohol since that day.
I’d like to say that because of my abstinence, my health has returned. Unfortunately, that is not the case (though the trendy Allegra + Pepcid combo has improved my condition greatly and I am working with doctors to figure it all out, so don’t worry). But being off the sauce has had other benefits. It’s made extra space in my life that I didn’t know I was missing.
So much space, in fact, that in the time I’ve been sober (or dry, I should say), I built an entire small business.
In truth, the business has been brewing for quite some time. I just didn’t notice the seeds I had been planting until, in my freed up mind, they started to bloom.
Seed #1: Moved to LA with very little money and a strong desire to reinvent myself so I started thrifting
Seed #2: Quit my umpteenth restaurant job and started selling cakes from home. Realized I wanted to be my own boss (just not a cake boss)
Seed #3: Met Max and started to dream about what we could build together
Seed #4: Got a job at his mom’s store and fell in love with vintage and the magic of estate sale finds
Seed #5: Started this newsletter and learned it’s safe to be seen
Seed #6: Experimented with selling merch
Seed #7: Got another retail job where I worked my way up from sales associate to shipping fulfillment to social media girly to manager (without knowing any of those skills would become valuable)
Seed #8: Had my heart split open by witnessing the magnitude of the horrors of the world which solidified my desire to live a meaningful life (one that values relationships and self expression above all else)
Seed #9: Got the itch to leave my current job and build something of my own
Nine little seeds planted in my mind. And I guess when I stopped drinking, they finally got enough water. Because in the past three months, I managed to get a reseller’s permit, collect inventory, build a website, put on a pop-up and launch a store. With the help of my he(art) department, Max.
And now we’re in biz! Week one in the books. Our little vintage/home decor store and tattoo pop-up shop, Almost Blue, is up and running.
It’s possible I’m overemphasizing the correlation between sobriety and starting this new project, but the timing does seem worth noting. Not because I think alcohol was the one thing preventing me from figuring out my calling or because I feel any judgment toward anyone else’s habits (drinking or otherwise), but because there is something about giving up one thing to make space for another that rings true time and time again in my experience of this “one wild and precious life” and I do believe that could be a helpful notion for anyone feeling particularly stuck (as I have been so many times).
I don’t know how long I’ll go without drinking or how long our business will last (hopefully a very long time!), but it feels like a new era has begun and for the first time in a long time, I’m excited to see what comes next.
Thank you for reading!
Almost Blue is live now and I’d love to know what you think. You can also follow along on instagram for updates on our next event!
Talk soon. <3
Love, Jenny
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