Sh!t My Rockstar Says: When your friends f*ck-up

HELLO. my name is Jennifer Finch. I was born and raised in Los Angeles, CA. I have dedicated my life music and visual art and am adding essayist to evolving list of interests. I love reflecting on cultural production, media, modern mythology, punk rock, fashion, society and self.

My musical credits include being the bass player, writer and co-singer in L7 (1986 to current), The guitarist and co-singer in Other Star People (1999 - 2003) and the Singer / song-writer in The Shocker (2003 - current).

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Someone lets us down, how far down “do we go?”

Recently, a friend of mine messed up - BAD. He continued indulging in certain behavior thinking he could get away with it until, inevitably, there was a cost and people around him were hurt.

I also have a friend who often promises to visit. I find myself rearranging plans and organizing special events to accommodate the occasion only to be disappointed when she can’t make it. Of course she cites various reasons each time. While I can relate to the desire to be there for others but not always having the will or ability to follow through, in reality these actions undermine the bonds of trust and reliability.

Whether it’s a close friend, a partner, ourselves, or even a celebrity, I often sense a shared sentiment with many of the people close to me that despite years of living as independent adults, we still carry the resentment caused by others. The feeling of that “should have been better” They fucked up and it hurt.

The hardest part of these moments isn’t just the action, but its the expectations we held. We often idealize people in our minds, creating unspoken agreements about how they should act, only to feel devastated when they don’t meet these expectations. Over time these unmet expectations can turn into resentments that can seep into every area of our lives. From my own experience holding onto these disappointments may start as self-protection, but can eventually create toxic boundaries. My unresolved expectations have often led me to swallow my own poison without even realizing it.

It’s okay to be hurt, and it’s OK to need space. Personally, I’m not big on public shaming, clapbacks, or revenge. It’s just not in my value system. I prefer a "call in" rather than a "call out."

Trust me - I’ve played many roles in revenge-style moves. From breaking windows with bricks to confrontations, and setting "pity traps" to gain alliances - I’ve done it and all in the name of "taking my power back." After a few rounds of reflecting on my own part in these relationships I’ve better understood that their power is not my power. I’ve come to realize that I know forgiveness, for them and myself, is the end game.

In these situations I look for “patterns.” I ask myself, does this person show a pattern of this let down? Do my own exceptions need to be adjusted and the hardest, do I have a part in this? I also will take a few days to write and meditate, I famously need processing time, when I am quick to react - it is rarely a good thing.

That is the test of friendship, that is what personal growth is about and perhaps the key to the future of our tender humanity. Just breath.

In 1983, at the Cathay de Grande in Los Angeles, I photographed Redd Kross in all their dynamic, fierce, and unapologetically raw energy. They were intense yet hilarious, with whipping hair and those perfectly vacant rockstar/not-rock-star stares—a style that resonated deeply with my own desire to perform. It would be a lie to say I walked away from that show that night unchanged.

As a young person going to shows (or rather hanging out in the parking lot behind the show, as was the case), it was always exciting to meet people y age that were out and about doing music, art, and creating a scene.