She's Teaching Me

Close your eyes. Try to think back to when you were four. When you were still discovering and learning the world. Testing boundaries. Trying new things. Taking chances to be brave.

Where were you at four? Who were you with? What did you love doing? Where were you living?

I look at Emma, and I see her passion for collecting all things small. How she fills every bag she owns with anything that will fit inside. I see her joy for life. The smallest things light her up, like when she finds a stick on our family walk. I see how she loves playing tickles with Dustin. The sound of her most genuine laugh radiating through the house. When he stops, she asks for more. I see how brave she is, going up to strangers at the park and asking if they want to play. And the way she talks to herself to climb a little bit higher than she did before and then going for it. I watch from a distance as she plays with friends and family. My heart swells with love and joy seeing her lean in, trust, share, laugh, tell stories.

Being four is a magical time to witness. Her own personality shining through. Her little brain in overdrive as she asks the most random question or rambles through a story. One thing I love most is hearing her sing, especially when the radio is off. Belting out the tune to her favorite song or making up a song that is totally her own.

When I try looking back to when I was four, there are only a few things I can recall based on the facts I know. Living on William Street. It was just me, Brian, and Bobby; Timmy wasn’t born yet. Going to preschool, standing up in the class to report the weather for the day. But there is so much of what we did, where we went, what my everyday life was like that I can’t remember.

Emma probably won’t remember the majority of what feels so significant to me right now. The details I am desperately trying to tuck in my heart may fade for her, but I hope the feeling of these years doesn’t. Playing with Barbies on the floor, painting in the art room, going to different Mamma Meet Up events, trips near and far, time at the playground, family walks. Four is a beautiful mix of her wanting to do everything on her own but still reaching for my hand and looking to see if I am near. I know she won’t remember all of it, but I know what we are weaving into her heart is priceless. A feeling of connection, love, and community.

Somewhere along the way in watching her grow, I realized that it wasn’t just Dustin and I shaping her childhood; she was reshaping our adulthood. This connection and community that she is diving into is something that Dustin and I needed as well. Emma has been the conduit for this. She has given us so much, including an opportunity to get out and do many things we never would have otherwise. She has pushed us to see the world through a whole new lens, one that is filled with wonder and excitement. She has challenged us in ways we never thought we would be challenged and also brought us together not only with ourselves but with others in ways we never imagined.

As parents, you always think that you are the ones teaching your children to be brave, be kind, make friends, try again, stay curious. What I never expected was for Emaa to be the one teaching me that as well. Emma has taught me to say hello to that mom at the park. To look around and seek out the small things to be excited about. To take that chance and try something new even when I am afraid and unsure. She has shown me how important it is to let wonder take up more space than the chores around the house.

I know she won’t remember every moment we jumped together on the trampoline, the mess we made with the sand, or times we played rocket ship on the swing. And in all honesty, I won’t remember every moment either. But what I hope we both never forget is that we are growing together, side by side, moment by moment.

Life is a wild, wild ride. You never know who will walk and change it forever. That happened to me four years ago when she arrived. Life has never been the same, and never will be the same. As she learns and discovers the world, so do I.

We spend so much time thinking about who our children will become that we can miss who we are becoming because of them.

Who has come into your life and changed you in ways you never could have imagined?