No more hiding.

Today I remembered teenage me painted this in high school. I dug it out of my closet and had a big cry hah. It’s not my best painting, but it’s an honest one. It’s titled ‘Iceberg’.

You only see 10% of an iceberg above the surface. 90% is hidden.

I don’t want to hide anymore.

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I’ve always been creative.
But also secretly ashamed of my creativity.

I didn’t know then, but now at 34 looking back, this painting is an accurate snapshot of how I felt at 16. And in many ways, how I still feel.

Scared to show all of me.
Scared to be real.
Scared to be honest.
And pretending to be unbothered.

Being 100% honest doesn’t come easy to me—with myself or others.

I catch myself holding back or telling little white lies to avoid judgment or protect people’s feelings. Something I thought was innocent, now realizing it’s costing me too much.

On the flip side, I can also be overly judgey and critical of myself and others. Somehow, building up and protecting my ego. (I’m sorry to those I’ve been hard on. And I’m working on it.)

Digging to the root, I think it stems from my creativity feeling dismissed or discouraged when I was little. I felt misunderstood and sensed fear from my parents, which deeply hurt in ways I didn’t understand.

They were both survivors of the Vietnam War and very pragmatic engineers. They valued function and efficiency over beauty and emotional resonance. They just wanted me to be okay and simply weren’t wired to get me, and I had to dig deep to understand that.

So I ended up creating a series of unhelpful habits, all to attempt to avoid the pain of not feeling seen or worthy.

In some ways, it made me overly confident and rebellious, but more often censored and dishonest. Doing and saying things out of fear rather than joy, or honoring my authentic desires.

Fear of:
* Being a disappointment
* Being a starving artist
* Not being successful enough
* Not being liked
* Being too much or too boring
* Sounding dumb
* Being intimidating
* Being unrealistic

Maybe you relate?

Those little habits became pervasive. It created a lifestyle of contorting or hiding my true self. Being too critical and impatient. Doing things out of obligation instead of generosity. Settling or disconnecting from what I’m *truly* passionate about.

Feeling trapped. Unseen. Unfulfilled.

I’M OVER IT. It costs too much.

No more hiding. No more white lies. No more playing small.

I want be connected with people who see the real me. I want deeply fulfilling days ahead of me, doing what I love. Or at least die trying. Over and over again.

What are you scared of? And is it costing you too much?

Genuinely, I want to know.

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2 things helping me right now—before hanging out with friends/family, making career decisions, or meeting new people, I remind myself:

1. “Authenticity has a cost, and the cost is rejection. It’s always painful, but worth the risk to truly connect.”
   Paraphrasing Jerry Hsu, asian-american skater/photographer/entrepreneur, at a design lecture in Portland, talking about his parents’ reaction early on in his career. While Authenticity does have a cost, hiding costs far more: the pain of self-abandonment and disconnection from your own Light.

2. “REJECTION = PROTECTION”
   It’s okay if someone doens’t like you. It’s good, actually. Be your real self and attract those who are meant to be in your orbit; kindly repel those who aren’t.

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P.S. Some things I’ve been hiding: I’m a deeply spiritual person and now believe in god/universe/source. Not exactly religious. Though never in my life did I think I would ever be a believer. I study kabbalah daily and I love learning about human design. I also recently discovered a genre I’m obsessed with called BL (Boys’ Love), which makes me a fujoshi aka “rotten girl” in Japanese lol. I’m currently taking a break from the business I poured my heart and soul into, called BINK Rabbit Goods.

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