Before we dive in, a quick heads up. Our August Reflection Guide is live for AWAKE Collective members, walking gently alongside everything we're about to talk about. Not a member yet? You can join AWAKE Collective for just $8 a month and get access right now. And mark your calendar: next Tuesday, August 25 at 12 PM CT / 1 PM ET, I'll be right here on Substack for our next AWAKE Collective Live. One week away. We're going even deeper, and I'd love for you to be there.
This is a hard one, and I’m glad it is located in my private Substack community. I am picking through how to talk about this in a way that is honest but discreet. It is tricky calculus deciding what to bring out in front of the curtain and what to leave behind it. I so often wish we were just in the room together and could talk without the internet watching.
We are circling around the idea of “truths we haven’t said and yeses we gave away” this month. This shared female experience of swallowing our real feelings, burying what actually needs to be said, and managing everyone else’s dysfunction or irresponsibility is pervasive. Women overcompensating so others can underfunction is so common, it has become an internet meme…except it is not at all funny in real life.
We recently had a live discussion about this in The AWAKE Collective, and this is what a few of the women shared:
“I gave all the yeses because I thought it would make me lovable.” — Lynda
“So often, shame “forced” me to say YES.” — Tracy
“I’ve learned that saying No to other stuff usually means saying Yes to myself.” — Penny
“I feel GUILT for doing anything just for my own personal enjoyment… how do I stop?” — Jocelyn
“I quit being capable. My family-of-origin has accepted it. Kind of.” — Virginia
“I have nothing to prove. To myself, to others, to the outside world.” — RaeAnne
“So tired of always being the fixer!” — Lori
I deeeeeeply identified with some of these. PARTICULARLY: “So tired of always being the fixer!” Lori, sing the song of your sisters. This hit so hard, I just sat quietly on our zoom for a minute trying to decide how much I wanted to share personally about that. But as the Collective would tell you: on our monthly live chats, I generally disclose the deepest, darkest thing actually going on in my life because our discussion is private and safe, and it is such a relief to speak the truth with other women who understand.
So with as much discretion as I can muster, let me discuss my fatigue at always being the fixer.
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