Romance Writing Advice 301: the 100% Guaranteed* Way to Succeed in Publishing

Hi everyone! Many of you have been asking, Jen Comfort, you are such a successful and famous romance author, can you please tell us how to become like you? You can all stop begging: I put together this helpful tutorial for you tonight while I was stone-cold not high or avoiding folding my laundry.

Wow, two whole newsletters from me within weeks instead of years! Who am I, Alicia Thompson?!1

Dear Reader,

There may come a day when you decide you’d maybe like to pursue the glamorous life of being a romance author. Understandable! Every published author I know is hot, unstressed, and raking in the dolla dolla bills like a dancer at Stripperaoke on my birthday weekend.

Where to begin on this career journey? Some sensible-ass curmudgeons might advise: Sweetie, you need to write a book to sell a book… but the times they are a-changing.

I’m talking like half your monthly rent. Don’t cheap out on this—do you think the literary insight and business cunning of a midlist milquetoast white woman you’ve literally never heard of grows on trees? Whatever you do, don’t take the class online. Travel a great distance to attend in person. This is your exclusive opportunity to spend eight hours in a poorly-ventilated community college conference room with 14 other socially anxious losers who somehow make you feel cool even though you spent last Friday eating a microwaved frozen lasagna while crying in the bathtub. It’s a good thing you’ll have looked in the mirror that morning and said to yourself: Fuck, I don’t know what to wear for my first day as an author—I guess I’ll pick something whimsical yet casual, and but you haven’t gone shopping or really understood fashion trends since 2015, so you’ve settled on a chunky sweater tunic over mid-rise jeggings (did these shrink in the wash? it’ll be fine! they stretch!)—a decision you will never come to regret.

The good news is that if you spend $500 on a writing class, you will definitely be a six-figure author within six months! The ROI is insane in the membrane.

I know, I know, those wild success stories are rare: how often can one expect to find themself at the crossroads of raw talent, luck, and being an inoffensively attractive woman of modest privilege (or any straight dude—romance readers adore the exotic appeal of Straight Dude).

But you know what? You’re better than the competition. You’re going to write an enemies-to-lovers2 romance that’s so unique that the Publishing Queen will crown you the diamond of the season. Step aside, less-talenteds! The hallowed ranks of #1 NYT Bestsellers Nora Roberts, Emily Giffin, Helen Fielding, Stephanie Meyer, and Emily Henry await you!

It’s a good thing you’re an extrovert, like most aspiring authors, because you will be invisibly tethered to the demands of your massive bookstabloc following at the expense of your real-life relationships, hobbies, and personal growth goals!

Yes, gaining one million followers takes time or a great set of tits. No one’s expecting overnight results. Just keep sucking up to other influencers like it’s Mardi Gras and mama needs some plastic beads. You can also save time by buying followers from your local bot farm, using pity marketing to milk empathy from virtue-signaling strangers, and showing off your great set of tits.

Obviously, you should hustlemaxx this era by getting degrees in marketing, photography, and filmmaking. Failing that, consider becoming rich so you can pay someone else to make reels for you.

“HA HA HA. You fools! I hold the razor-thin margins of your oligarch-owned literary puppy mill in my Popular Girl Hands! A single hashtag from me could send the (notoriously wealthy and powerful) demographic of 18-24yr old women into a money-spending frenzy.”

You should settle for nothing less than a four-way bidding war between houses. Kind of a War of the Roses thing3. Some bloodlines may die, but that’s showbusiness, baby.

The last thing you want is for your hometown newspaper’s fluff piece (Local Author Signs Seven-Figure Deal: How Brittneigh Bobby Plans to Turn the Romance Genre on its Head by Writing Books that are Slightly Different but Not TOO Different Because Everyone’s Psyche is Very Fragile) to be usurped by breaking news about an elected official drinking the blood of innocent children out of a fancy glass chalice (homosexual-coded) instead of mixing it into a protein shake like a goddamn PATRIOT.

A half-dece PR company will run you about $3-6k a month, but don’t worry, you’ll soon be lapping up praise from the hordes of envious sycophants. And it’s never too soon to distance yourself from Lesser Mortals by doing a full personality rebrand.

—WARNING!!!!—

At this point, you’re going to be tempted to blow your entire advance on something lavish, like a boat, or a trophy husband/wife/person, or a single emergency vet visit because you thought Fluffy was dying but turns out she’s purebred so her eyeball is supposed to pop out like that (you know, like how Frenchies have customized DNA that ensures they’re low-key suffocating from birth to the blessed moment when the angel of death frees them from humanity’s cruel bonds).

Get those Louboutins!—you’re definitely going to wear them and they’re super comfortable.

Make it rain at the medspa!—your old face reflects the passage of time which is bad since no one likes being reminded of their mortality.

Buy a house!—nothing is more resilient against climate change and late-stage capitalism than real estate purchased at a premium interest rate.

I know this seems counterintuitive, but you must follow my advice to the letter if you hope to be a bestselling author. Other authors’ substacks will lie to you and say you should set aside 50% of your advance for taxes and create a sensible budget, but I’m brave enough to tell you the truth: don’t worry about it, dawg.

Naysayers and other “experienced authors” might tell you this is the hard part, but they’re lying to discourage you from achieving your dreams. I’m not going to waste time telling you how to do this. You already know what you have to do.

That’s right: make a deal with the devil.

Everyone’s soul is for sale, including yours. Don’t even try me with that “I’d never be a sellout” bullshit because you know that if the devil looked you dead in the eye and said, “I can make your beloved pet live healthily and happily by your side until you both pass peacefully in each others’ arms many decades from now” you’d be adding little heart flourishes to your signature.

And this part, my friends, is the only part of this post that isn’t satire. The truth is that everything comes with a price. You really want to make it in publishing? You gotta be willing to pay.

For many successful authors, that price might translate to extreme physical, mental, or emotional sacrifice. It could mean financial sacrifice, especially if you’re indie. The demands of publishing might cause you to give up on other career or life paths.

What I’m getting at is this: the only secret to being successful in publishing is you need to want it badly enough that you’ll do whatever it takes.

It sounds ominous, but it doesn’t have to be! Your “do whatever it takes” might be as simple as write a really, really good book and get lucky with timing—and then keep doing that for the next three decades and never give up no matter how many setbacks you encounter or how much money you have to spend on therapy.

But if you’re not lucky, or you weren’t born as naturally talented or as great-titted as your peers, you might have to make bigger sacrifices. How big? That’s up to you.

Whatever you do, it’s important that you don’t resort to unethical methods like using robots, because it’s catastrophically bad for the environment and animals didn’t do anything to deserve this. If you use robots to compensate for being a weak bitch who can’t write, then you’re a selfish, soulless piece of shit and I pray for your downfall. :)

For everyone who does still have a soul to trade: Call 1-800-LUCIFERWRITESBOOKS to see what options might be available to you, and don’t forget to mention this blog post for an exclusive 10% discount!

Thank you for reading! If you enjoyed this post, please like and subscribe and share with your massive social media followings so I can get one million followers and buy better tits.

If you liked this post and also like romcom books, you can find links of indie bookstores who carry my published books here, or find them all on KU for free if ya evil like that (jk hehe lol I actually love Corporate Boot Taste yum yum) (they own my publisher) (hope my editor doesn’t see this)