Croc (For Game Boy Color)

Ceci n’est pas un crocodile. And it’s not exactly croquant (crispy) either. Croc, Argonaut Software’s 1997 3D platformer debut, makes its way onto the Game Boy Color because… well… the GBC library was riddled with poor ports, swamped with crappy licensed games, and flooded with Pokémon rip-offs, and Croc had to be a part of it? Because that’s what it is: a poor representation of a crocodile that’s supposed to be adept at platforming but fumbles when it comes to a dimension less.

The cartridge was still inside my Analogue Pocket when I recharged it to enjoy some of that shovelware goodness—my wife insists on trying it again and again, putting it aside in disgust again and again. So I thought, hey, it can’t be that bad, I’ve played Commander Keen and Speedy Gonzales so I can handle the jank. Well, I was wrong. It’s worse than Speedy which is one of the worst I played on the system.

At first it felt like one of those average David A. Palmer Productions entries, but they are not involved. Instead, Virtuacraft developed it, presumably with some assistance of Argonaut, but I wonder to what degree. I hope they forgot to do the quality control because if they didn’t, the bar needs to be raised. By a lot. Virtuacraft is responsible for various The Powerpuff Girls, Dexter’s Laboratory, and NBA Jam ports on Nintendo’s handheld systems. That should get an alarm bell going.

Croc on the GBC is a bare-bones 2D platformer that tries to imitate Nintendo’s best by copying abilities, tiles, world maps, and level design. It falters on all aspects. Croc’s movement is a disaster. He can whip his tail (Hello Gex) to destroy ? blocks, but I found that almost impossible to pull off. His jumps are regularly (not) clipped through ceilings or walls. The very basic fundamentals of a 2D platformer—precise controls, platforms that make sense—is absent here. Instead, what you’re left with is wrestling with a slippery green little bugger that just doesn’t do what you want it to do.

They were also too lazy to put in the money for a RAM chip with battery. Instead we’re forced to write down long passwords like it’s 1993 instead of 2000. I mean, come on, Super Mario Land 2 did this more than half a decade ago? On the way towards the exit you can gather letters that form BONUS for a minigame to score some points and extra lives. Does it suddenly smell like monkeys and bananas in here or is this just me?

Curious about reviews from back in the day, here’s Gamespot’s 4.4/10 summary:

It’s evident that the developers set out to deliver a solid title within the framework of existing standards. That in itself isn’t a crime. Croc’s characters are endearing, the level design is good, and the quest is both long and enjoyable. Unfortunately, the horrible control destroys the game’s playability, making Croc for the Game Boy Color a different type of crock entirely.

I disagree about the level design; I suppose that’s worth the extra .4 points.

I really don’t know what else to say about this game. Avoid it. At all costs. Apparently, Croc 2 on the GBC took a very different direction: a top-down one. Dare I say it? I very nearly might look into perhaps maybe playing that one? I’ll probably end up hurting myself again but at least it’s worth a try.