Purpose and Pornography

In his survey of 3,817 adults on unwanted sexual behavior, author and counselor Jay Stringer found that men are seven times more likely to escalate pornography usage if they had a low sense of purpose in life (Stringer, 2018, p. 97). In his book, “Unwanted,” he goes on to suggest that the issue of futility is a huge part of recovery for men (p. 99).

He bluntly states, “You cannot change your relationship to pornography if you do not have an effective plan for engaging in the lack of purpose in your life” (p. 98).

Another author I’ve been reading recently that talks about this is Michael John Cusick (2012) in his book, “Surfing for God: Discovering the Divine Desire Beneath Sexual Struggle.” I like the way he frames this issue when he challenges the reader,

“If you don’t have something in your life that inspires passion, adventure, and risk, then you will seek the counterfeit” (Cusick, 2012, p. 22).

When we don’t have a sense of excitement, discovery, and passion for life, then ways to numb ourselves become so much more attractive. What porn offers is a way to escape and feel an artificial sense of fulfillment. When our core needs and desires are unmet by the life we are living, then porn and any other means of escaping reality becomes so much more powerful. Cusick mentions this fabulous quote by Frederick Buechner that hits the nail on the head:

“Lust is the craving for salt of a man who is dying of thirst.” – Frederick Buechner

What does meaning and purpose have to do with this? When our everyday reality is not delivering the goods, then we seek whatever will give us a sense of the life we want even if it’s not the real thing. Our sense of purpose and meaning in life is not just an intellectual answer to the question, “what is the meaning of life?” It’s about whether your everyday reality is fulfilling and satisfying. It’s a combination of our relationships, leisure, work, spirituality, and personal development. It’s about hanging out with friends, volunteering for a cause you care about, growing through personal therapy, training for a half-marathon, keeping the house clean, eating good food, and experiencing God’s presence.

Am I living the life that I want? Am I living in alignment with what’s important to me at the core of my being? Those aren’t easy questions to answer, but they can give you clarity on what it would look like for you to move forward. If your answer is no, then you’re probably finding distractions and escapes in life to be more prevalent while you put other meaningful, fulfilling tasks on hold.

What would it look like for you to be living the life that you want? If you’re brave, here’s an exercise to do.

Write a letter from your 80 year old self to your current self. Looking back on your life, what would you tell yourself to do to live a more meaningful, purposeful life? What would you look back on as the most meaningful to you? What advice would you give? What would you regret having put on hold in your life?

Even if you’re struggling, you don’t have to put your life on hold. It’s easy to focus on what isn’t going well. Maybe a little more focus on cultivating a life of joy, fulfillment, and excitement is just what you need right now - one day at a time.

Cusick, J. (2012). Surfing for God : discovering divine desire beneath sexual struggle. T. Nelson.

Stringer, J. (2018). Unwanted : how sexual brokenness reveals our way to healing. Navpress.