Stop telling me that fruit is nature’s candy

Telling someone “fruit is nature’s candy” is a hateful act of violence. It’s a weapon deployed when you want to make someone feel bad for eating candy, or it’s a failed rhetorical tool of a parent who wants to leverage “we have food at home” logic. It’s almond mom culture. It’s passing out raisins for Halloween culture. It’s not ethical, and it’s not professional.

“Fruit is nature’s candy” is often said in a “oh, you hate waffles?” kind of context. Someone might say “I really enjoy watermelon flavored Sour Patch Kids.” And then their conversation partner will go “I actually like eating real watermelons and fruit better. Fruit is nature’s candy.” Okay, well we were just talking about candy so…that wasn’t really...on the table. I do eat fruit. I’m just not talking about that right now. Stop acting like I’m some uncivilized degenerate who drinks a Starbucks unicorn frappuccino every day. I’ll have you know I order milk tea at HALF sweetness at cafes that cater to ASIANS. We INVENTED “not too sweet” culture. And shame.

Anyway, they’re doing eugenics on the fruits that aren’t sweet. It’s true, though. Selective breeding has made commercial fruits sweeter over time, to the point that zoo animals aren’t allowed to eat them anymore because they’ll get too obese. Scientists are trying really hard to make fruit into candy. High-sugar, low-acid innovations like Cotton Candy Grapes and Sweetest Batch Berries have swept the nation. But you know creme brulee can never be jello.

Candy is synthetic and unnatural. That’s the appeal. To adapt a quote from Las Culturistas, Fruit is the IP that candy is based on. Fruit is Romeo and Juliet. Candy is a High School Musical the Musical the TV Show branded t-shirt. Fruit is La bohème. Candy is the episode of Girls where Marnie forces Hannah to sing “Take Me or Leave Me” at Hannah’s birthday party.

Not better or worse, but different.

Dates are the one fruit that could have a claim to being “nature’s candy,” but it’s not actually candy. They just have comparable brix.

Yet as fruit becomes more like candy, candy comes to resemble fruit.

They even put chia seeds in the tropical flavors of Hi-Chew to make you feel like you’re eating passionfruit or kiwi.

But the line gets even blurrier than that sometimes.

Fruit Riot is one of the greatest American edible innovations. I’m shocked that it didn’t come from Japan, although it did follow in the footsteps of the Chinese-originated tanghulu (sugar coated fruit on a stick) and TruFru (chocolate coated frozen fruit). Fruit Riot is frozen fruit coated in sour candy, which is legitimately mouthwateringly and mouthpuckeringly sour.

Also, maybe I learned about its existence via Snaxshot? But even if I didn’t, I’ll have you know The Jane Institute endorses Snaxshot.

Along similar lines, I also really enjoy candy-flavored dates. Joolies dates (the plain kinds) have reliably been tasty and caramelly. For a few years, I’ve enjoyed them even though their packaging makes “nature’s candy” claims. But I’m rooting for them in the sense that they are bringing visibility into the dates category, and they’ve done the work to make dates cute and appealing. Certainly the day I received a sample of Joolies at the New York Produce Show, I learned that medjool dates were actually really good and their millennial-bait packaging certainly worked on me. They converted me to the concept of dates as a snack and an ingredient. Like many, I had mistaken them for prunes and didn’t bother. Their new Date Sours product presents us with another hybrid of fruit and candy. The peach flavor is authentically peach ring-like. Candy-like, I’ll even say. And this isn’t one of those diet culture lies, like “balsamic vinegar and seltzer tastes like coke” or “Halo Top tastes like ice cream.” This legitimately did scratch the sour candy itch for me. Sweet, soft base + sour coating, plus the extra fiber and satiety that comes from such a calorie dense food. Eating these make me feel like I actually have impulse control. It doesn’t encourage that sort of intense volume eating that candy does.

If you like a sour fruity candy, I’m gonna put you on something new your dentist will HATE! (or love, depending on how much business they want to extract from you.): Dried mango with citric acid. You usually have to buy the two separately. You can also use citric acid to descale your kettle.

The problem with fruit leathers is that they’re too small. I need a fruit leather that’s a 2’x2.’ What I really wanted was an equivalent of Fruit by the Foot, which helps with portion control by being interactive, making me feel like a dog eating peanut butter out of a maze shaped dog bowl. For “mental enrichment.” Froot Thief helped me out there. It’s a fruit leather compacted into a rope that you need to untangle to eat. You can eat the whole clump, too, but where’s the fun in that?