Countdown

So last week I missed my Substack deadline. Every Wednesday, I’d told myself. Publish every Wednesday.

A noble goal, if arbitrary. Because let’s be real, no one is waiting for this. Still, this was a commitment I’d made to myself and I felt twinges of disappointment for not pushing through, getting it done.

But last Monday morning while running around “getting stuff done” I’d felt something shift. Something familiar. I stopped for a second, disoriented, then kept going. I couldn’t afford to be off my game with an interview in the afternoon. A few minutes later it happened again. Oh, hell, it’s real. But I pushed through and aced the interview. By Tuesday morning my BPPV was in full swing. And I do mean swing. The earth, to and fro, beneath your feet. I wish this upon no one.

Here’s the definition, in case this absolute nightmare of a condition is new to you:

Benign Paroxysmal Positional Vertigo (BPPV) is a common inner-ear disorder causing brief, intense, spinning sensations (vertigo) triggered by head position changes. It results from displaced calcium crystals (otoconia) in the semicircular canals, often treated with repositioning aides such as the Epley maneuver.

I hadn’t had an episode in years. Why now when I had so much to do??? All I’d done was turn my head to the left a little quicker than I should have and here I was, physically healthy but essentially bedridden and unable to work due to the accompanying migraines and brain fog.

During a bout of vertigo, you’re unsure, unsteady. It’s hard to trust your view of the world so you develop rules for yourself. No driving. Walk slowly. Eyes straight ahead. No quick movements. Turn your head with your body. You adjust as best you can, sit still and wonder how long it will last. In the past my episodes have stretched on for weeks. I’ve had two brain MRIs - they found nothing.

It’s easy, and I know this from experience, for BPPV to spiral into depression. You have control over so little and it feels as though the safest thing to do is nothing. Every night you go to bed hoping for a sleeping miracle and every morning you open your eyes to find that nothing has changed. How long?

By Thursday morning I’d had enough. I YouTube’d the Epley maneuver which, spoiler alert, makes you feel a whole lot worse in the hopes of (maybe) making you feel better. It is by no means foolproof but I had to do something.

I didn’t see a difference right away but by the weekend the world was, thankfully, starting to look familiar again. The biggest emotion when the fog of vertigo lifts is gratitude.

It’s Wednesday now and I’m back to business. Until the next episode I suppose.

What a gift it is to see the world clearly.

There are 215 days until the midterm elections.