Reading · Diary of a Sad Black Woman.

This one’s for my autistic girlies (and guys)!

So, I’ve been calling myself weird for the longest time. I tacked on “strange” in the last year after it was hurled at me like an insult, but…it felt fitting to be honest, so I folded it right into my branding and wore it like polished armor.

Writer of strange fiction.

Weird, woeful woman.

Black, beautiful and bizarre.

And also…alien. Awkward. Off-putting.

I know many of you feel the same way I do. You must, if you read these posts. But after deciding I didn’t “want to be me anymore” and starting the expensive process of becoming something new, I realized something—I don’t want to be something new. I want to be a better version of me under all those labels.

It took talking to someone who actually speaks my language for me to get it. Years of confusion untangled over the course of three sessions. All the ways my sincerity had been misread or my questions seen as grating. Why, no matter how hard I try, people get me so wrong and I get others so wrong. Why my speech and expressive writing comes off as odd to people.

And it was broken down so beautifully.

I know it’s easy to beat yourself up. I’ve had my boxing gloves on every day. But if you need to hear it from me…put them down. It is enough. You’ve already blackened your own eye. You’ve fallen to your knees in defeat. You’re drenched in sweat. You’re so used to being punished you’ve gleefully volunteered yourself for the role. It’s safer if you do it before anyone else can. Or it feels that way. But self-flagellation only makes it easier for others to take turns handling the whip.

You’re not weird. You have autism.

Social difficulties are not a moral failing. Being trusting is not a moral failing. Desiring connection is not a moral failing. Being confused is not a moral failing. Being awkward is not a moral failing. Being gleefully excited over mundane things is not a crime!

It’s actually more weird to pick on people for being different than it is to be different.

You’re not weird…you’re exhausted.

You’ve been masking for ages. Trying to fit in and being ridiculed when you don’t. You’ve modified your posture, you’ve forced eye contact. You rehearse conversations. You are perfectly pleasant to all. And still there’s a disconnect. Social performance can affect how much money you make in a world where you need money to survive. It’s draining.

(My character Hope can relate…)

Would you expect someone who ran a marathon to go straight to the club after? No! They would be wiped out, worn down, and likely go straight to bed. They’d have recovery days and ice packs and maybe a massage. But there are no recovery days for you. Because you have autism.

So you hide in bathroom stalls to scroll on your phone to cry and breathe. You sit in your car in silence after work. You lay in a dark room replaying all the ways the day went wrong…

That would exhaust anyone. So don’t feel it’s your fault.

You’re not intentionally difficult. You have autism.

Autism is a disability that affects each person differently. It’s okay to ask for accommodations. Or time. And it’s also a good idea to learn how to navigate certain spaces, and how to communicate your needs in a way people might understand. Heavy on the might, though…

But it’s still a good idea to try. And if it’s not feasible, you can create your own accommodation! That’s why my virtual book fair exists. I couldn’t do in-person events so instead of expecting a change in the established social rules, I made something new.

Personally, I look forward to peeling off these labels and leaning into my joy without feeling shame. Yes, I do watch cartoons and dissect them. Yes, I am a bit uncanny in my expressions—but people pay to see animatronics lol. Yes, I am aware of the things about me that I find hard to change. So I won’t completely change them, I’ll build on them until they work in this world I’ve been plopped into.

Never feel like you don’t belong here. Even if you feel uncomfortable or find it hard to make sense of things. The very fact that you’re here means you were meant to be here. You just have a bit of learning to do. And…doesn’t everyone?

So, no more “weird” to describe myself. And I won’t be using “weird” to describe anyone else, either. Whimsical can stay though! And “weird girl” books since it’s a genre.

Anywho, I’m looking forward to continue moving forward. I don’t feel empty anymore. I feel like Jacque, the AuDHD pink-loving expressive writer of strange fiction. Because the fiction is strange…not me! Haha.

Any advice for anyone else who may read this? Drop comments below!

You’re not weird…you have autism.

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