Just know my tantrum here, is not to do with you my love,

Morning,

I want to share this poem with you because it’s on the podcast this week and I think it’s such a helpful description of what happens in parent-child, or indeed, any relationship, when we live beyond our capacity.

Relationships can do that, especially the ones in which we are parents. There are so many firsts that are thrust at us when we have neither built up the resources nor resilience to deal with it.

No wonder then, that we find ourselves on the Frustration Triangle - blaming, self-shaming or upping our game.

I think this poem helps to exemplify all three of these roles within the space of about a minute!

In this scenario, I wasn’t taking accountability for my overwhelm and so projected it onto my son. He tried to up his game because there was not place for him to safely share his confusion, fear and disappointment.

It also shows the simplicity of a repair in a relationship. That the repair is not about fixing the hurt, but witnessing it, owning any responsibility we may have for it, such as:

“I don’t have any answers now - just know my tantrum here

Is not to do with you, my love, but an age old triggered fear.”

It’s ok to say ‘I don’t know what’s going on, but this is my stuff and I’ll figure it out.’

Here’s the poem in full:

I’m screaming like a banshee at the hill top on our walk.

I brought my sons along - you know, to bond and share and talk.

One asked a simple question and stated what he’d like.

My ‘not good enough’ bruise impaled by this guiltless probing spike.

I vented my frustration at my ‘demanding child’,

For all my inner calm fucked off - I was left scared, raw and wild.

My observer stood out to the side ‘Get a grip girl, take a breath’.

I saw my son’s hurting sorrow and kind of felt like death.

‘What’s going on?’ I ask my mind. I haven’t go a clue!

In vivo parenting myself (with kids) is hard to do.

“I just want to please you mum” he says through broken tears.

‘You’re failing him if that’s his goal’ my inner critic interferes.

Sometimes I’m messy, and imperfect as a mum,

Acting out my fearful child on my bewildered loving son.

“I don’t have any answers now - just know my tantrum here

Is not to do with you, my love, but an age old triggered fear.”

Which bit of the poem resonates most with you?

Which part of the poem resonates most with you?

To listen to the whole podcast episode click here

Listen to episode

Jacky x