Morning,
Feeling truly seen and accepted, to belong, is essential for our mental and emotional well-being. But what does it really mean to belong? This missive and video explores the nuanced idea of belonging, how reflections from others shape our identity, and how poetry can serve as a tool for self-discovery and affirmation.
In therapy-land we talk alot about being witnessed. However, witnessing can also involve observations ingrained in our unconscious biases, as is shown in the poem in the video. If we grew up with this kind of witnessing, we may be suspicious of being witnessed. It may, in fact, feel othering.
Beyond the witnessing is another space. A space of amplification. A place where your full brilliance gets reflected back to you, purely, cleanly. This, I believe, is the space of belonging.
Because underneath the adaptations is the true essence of you.
Belonging happens when we feel safe and comfortable enough to share this.
I had this on a walk today with a friend. I arrived late, and my friend was talking to another woman. They were deep in conversation and were so engrossed that they didn’t acknowledge my arrival. It was a sensitive conversation, so I didn’t want to interrupt. After what felt like quite a while, they finally said hi before continuing their heart to heart as they began to walk along the path, with me trailing behind like a lost child. I felt like a complete spare part as their conversation continued for another 10 minutes or so.
Eventually the woman left and my friend struck up conversation with me, asking how my kids were. I played along for the first sentence and then said, ‘I felt really hurt then. You completely ignored me and I felt embarrassed.’
‘I am so sorry!’ Immediately remorseful, she continued, ‘I’m so glad you could tell me, I completely get that.’
‘You don’t do that!’ I said ‘You are one of my belonging people, you don’t get to make me feel left out!’
We laughed and hugged and I could then acknowledge that I felt about 5 and she shared ‘I love seeing this part of you, I’ve never seen you so unguarded in your hurt before.’
This is belonging. This is amplification.
I think that sometimes the fallout of therapy-speak can be an approach of ‘Let me manage that 5 year old part of me so that I can show up as my adult self ‘ rather than honouring that younger self, speaking up for it, trusting the safety of the relationship to hold it.
The belonging was feeling safe enough to show up as myself, not in a pretty little box of regulated rationality, but as a passionate friend who wanted to feel loved and welcomed. The amplification came not from her remorse, but from her ‘I love seeing this part of you.’
That doesn’t mean I’ll now be throwing tantrums every 5 minutes, but this rupture and repair enhanced our connection, our belonging to each other. She knows that, whilst I blurted ‘You don’t get to make me feel left out’ that it’s not about her treading on eggshells to avoid me ever feeling like that, but that we feel safe enough with each other that when it happens for either of us, we will call it out and it will be received with care.
I wrote this poem when I was really working on accepting - and letting go - of old stories that got in the way of my me-ness.
Beneath the stars of destiny
Beneath the tales, the history
Beneath the numbing and defences
Beneath the dire consequences
Beneath decisions that have broken hearts
Beneath all the adapted parts
Beneath the blame and brinkmanship
Beneath the self doubting censorship
Beneath the seething condemnation
Beneath the unspoken conversations
Beneath the righteous raging tears
Beneath the terror, beneath the fear
Beneath the hulps and yelps unheard
Beneath beneath, undeterred…
Catch a glimpse of precious alchemy
Beneath it all,
Beneath…
Is me.
Where did you learn to distrust being seen? Think of one piece of "witnessing" from childhood that was actually a judgment in disguise. Write what was said - then write what you wished had been said instead. What does belonging mean to you?
I’d also love to read any poems that you have already written about this or any poems written by other people that really hit the mark for you when thinking about witnessing versus amplifying.
One last thing before we begin sharing in the chat.
If something someone shares resonates with you, please do say so. A simple this resonates with me! is great
Let’s just witness what’s true for someone else and let them know it connects with you. This is to help people feel confident to share. Many times people may have tried to speak up but found it difficult for fear, or experience of responses.
Jacky ✨
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