a brutally honest review of every product a brand has sent me

Cues the song Bridges by BROODS

Somewhere between writing about Matthieu Blazy's Chanel debut and calling Calvin Klein's spring collection a hate crime against women, a brand decided I was the right person to review their THC drink.

"Your style is the perfect match for our brand!"

Is it? Is my style the perfect match for your hydration packets? Your compression socks? Your makeup brushes—the category of product I have never once, in my entire time on this earth, spoken about publicly?

For all anyone knows, I could be putting my foundation on with my bare fingers.

But apparently yes. Apparently, I contain multitudes. Maybe these brands know me better than I know myself.

Here's the thing: I'm not exactly a coveted partner. I'm a 27-year-old woman with a Substack, a ShopMy account, and zero self-control when a free thing arrives in my inbox. I will accept the compression socks. I will accept the THC drink (even though I don’t even drink or partake in weed-related substances). I will accept all of it. Lady Gaga must have tapped into my brain when she sang, “I want your everything as long as it’s free.”

But will I write about it? Turns out, I guess I will.

Though I had zero plans to write about free products that aren’t in my “wheelhouse,” I figured there’s an angle here that IS on brand—giving you a brutally honest review of all these products at once. And there’s nothing I love more than being 100% honest, even if I burn a few bridges in the process.

So, here is a “no-holds-barred” review of every single item a brand has sent me for free and whether or not I’d recommend you pay full price for them.

Note: None of the brands featured here have paid me a single dollar. No contracts. No "paid partnership.” No promise of a positive review. They sent me things. I accepted. And I'm saying whatever I want about them. That's the whole deal.

Affiliate links will be sprinkled throughout—meaning if you buy something, I get a small cut. This costs you nothing extra and funds my ability to continue writing this newsletter for free!

It seems like everyone and their mother is writing full newsletters about Ruti pants. They’re a viral sensation. But are people actually buying them? That is the question.

Ruti reached out to me via ShopMy a couple of months ago with a gifting offer. I could select one product from “Core and Denim Lookbook.” Oh, happy day.

The funny thing here, is that I actively dislike barrel leg pants…And this lookbook was literally entirely barrel leg pants, I kid you not. I searched through for a good 15 minutes to try to find the one non-barrel-legged, so that I could order that. No luck. The joke was on me. I was destined to look like Kim Possible no matter what.

Though I’m always quick to accept a gifting offer, I take forever to decide what product I want—I need to make sure I’m making the right choice, duh! No one can say I’m not a thoughtful mooch.

So, I stalked their website, social, etc. I seemed like everyone was smitten with the “On the Loose Work Pants.” I opted against them, because I wanted something with button that could look a little more polished for work. The “Wide-ish Pants” spoke to me more. I chose those.

The verdict?

I’m not entirely sold.

My first thought upon ordering was “Damn, these pants are $259. They’d better be the best pair of pants this side of the Mississippi.” I’ve never paid more than like $110 for a pair of pants and those were my Levi’s 501s, AKA the best jeans known to man. How could these 75% Nylon, 25% Spandex pants be $149 better than 501s? Riddle me that.

When I took them out of the packaging, I was surprised with how cheap they felt, considering the hefty price tag. They felt like worse quality than my polyester Lululemon pants that were also around $100 (and incredible). They are, however, extremely comfortable. I can’t argue with that. Very breezy, easy to move around in, and not restricting in any way. However, I’m not biggest fan of HOW cropped they are AND the fact that they are barrel-legged. As someone with a short torso and longer legs, I don’t like purposefully making my legs look short and stubby.

Nonetheless, I did wear them to the office with a red/black, fitted geometric button up top, a black belt, and my Tabi flats. And while they were comfortable, and I didn’t feel capital H hideous, I’ve just come to realize that I still dislike being shaped like Yogi Bear. Not for me. I’m glad I had the opportunity to try it out (at no cost), but I don’t see myself reaching for these often. I also kind of hate how they are sewn/purposefully engineered at the back of the knee to pooch out. It just looks weird when the rest of the pant is straight.

The button in the front + elastic waist in the back is pretty genius though, I will say. More of that!

Are Ruti pants worth $259?

Honest answer: no. I know Im biased because I don’t like barrel leg, but even if you do, the material doesn’t justify the price tag. I just bought a vintage Moschino Cheap and Chic skirt suit in perfect condition for less than these synthetic, black pants. Also, if I am to come around on a barrel leg, it’s gotta be sleek and straight. One swift motion. The strange pouch of extra fabric around the back of the knee is a no-go.

These Eileen Fisher pants are pretty similar, but cheaper AND have a more elegant shape. Straight and smooth.

Sorry, Ruti. I appreciate the gift, but I just have to be honest.

I’ve already talked about this bag before in a previous newsletter, but in just in case you missed it, here we are again.

In January, I was sent this Aira Mini Cloud bag by a newer handbag brand called KARKKI. I chose the royal blue color, because I have a disease to where any time I need to buy a purse, I only buy it in black, because I want it to match everything…which is very limiting for color blocking, etc. Since this one was a gift, I decided to branch out and try a fun color!

It’s so unique. I can’t say I’ve ever seen a bag like this in my life. It’s made of sheepskin, so it’s insanely soft—just like a cloud. The handle feels incredible and plush. It does come with a long, detachable strap, but I’m a “bag in hand” girl, so I don’t tend to use it all that much, although it does look cool as a crossbody.

My only complaint is that it’s a bit shallow, so I can’t dream of fitting my whole key situation inside, but it does fit my phone, lipstick, and cards. I can, however, clip my keys to it in various places, so that’s nice. They do have a medium size version, though! I just opted for the mini, since the medium didn’t come in the blue colorway I wanted.

Is the KARKKI bag worth $159?

Yes, absolutely. Before being sent this bag, I was on the hunt for a good quality, interesting purse brand that makes bags with 100% real leather at an affordable price. KARKKI is just that. I sound like a crazy fangirl, but their other purses are really neat and I would buy another one in a heartbeat…and I just might! Most of their bags are in the $100-$200 price range, which is pretty awesome for a certified “regular person” like me. And their marketing/Instagram presence is super creative and fun, to boot.

Here are some of their other bags, just to get an idea of the kind of styles/colors they have. Highly recommend:

• Quinn Pocket Leather Hobo - $169

• Rhea Mood Leather Boston - $139

• Hazel Medium Vintage Leather Belt Bag - $159

• Nora Leather Baugette Bag - $139

• Gamepad Leather Boston - $119

• Nook Pony Leather Crossbody Bag - $219 (I WANT THIS ONE)

• Carry All Leather Knotted Tote - $90

”Patented socks engineered with biofeedback technology to improve foot alignment and stability, ideal for walking, standing, flat feet and plantar fasciitis.” —Forme

Listen, I’m not saying these socks DON’T do all that, but I will never know, because they are so unbelievably tight that I cannot bring myself to wear them. I followed their sizing chart (7-8.5 = small), but these are just insane. I feel circulation in my feet being cut off immediately. Big uncomfortable.

This review pretty much sums up my thoughts:

Are the Forme Arch Booster Socks worth $29?

No. ”I’m scared of these socks.”

This was my most recent gift—came in a few days ago. When Case-Mate originally reached out, I thought it was funny, because their headquarters is (I kid you not) a couple blocks away from where I live (not to dox myself). Anyway, they let me pick out a tote from their new jelly collection.

I’ll be honest, a lot of the styles were not #myvibe—a little too pastel/cutesy with bows. But, the red gingham? I can get behind. Red is my spirit color, so I had to do it.

The bag is huge. It’s jelly. It’s cute. It’s waterproof. It’s got a small zipper pouch that attaches to it that holds your phone. I’m going to the lake in a couple of weeks, so I’m definitely going to bring it there—give it a spin. Overall, it’s cool. It’s exactly as advertised.

Is the Case-Mate Jelly Bag worth $80?

If you think this bag is adorable and cool and functional (for what you’re getting into this summer), I think it’s worth it. It’s a unique design from your classic canvas tote. Jelly is trendy. It’s massive. Yeah, why not? If someone told me they bought this bag for $80, my reaction would be positive.

Stanley released these new Flowstate water bottles for spring. Yes, water bottles. Not dildos—contrary to my belief. Kidding…

They come in all sorts of color ways, but I had to choose yellow…because I don’t subscribe to a homeware aesthetic that welcomes pastels, however cute they might be. Much to my surprise, when it arrived in the mail, I was greeted with the soft orchid color…not the daffodil yellow. But all was well, because I let them know that it was incorrect and the Stanley PR team (shoutout Chloe) was super nice and they sent me another! I ended up giving the orchid one to my co worker, so now we show up to every meeting with matching bottles. How cute!

I think the shape of these are quite sleek. As much as I enjoy the top giant top handle Stanley I use at home, it does feel like I’m slinging around a legit weapon. Great for knocking out burglars. Bad for wanting to feel dainty in the summertime.

I keep mine at my desk in the office at all times, so it’s naturally become my work bottle. It sufficiently supplies me with hydration. It has a snap cap that opens when you push the button down. I will say, it’s not the easiest, effortless button to press and close. I know I’m a certified weakling, but it’s a bit tough—hoping it will loosen up over time or maybe I need little tiny weights for my fingers. Who knows!

It’s not that big a deal, though. It doesn’t bug me. But if that’s dealbreaker for you, let it be known.

Is the Stanley Flowstate Water Bottle worth $30?

Sure. If you’re all about having a #fashionable water bottle, this one is certainly cool. I get a ton of compliments on it when I carry it around the office—partially because of the yellow color. It makes people happy. Simple as that. The yellow is sold out (as I’m writing this) on Stanley’s official website, but they seem to be in stock at Dick’s.

Note: I’ve seen some reviews that say the bottle whistles sometimes when drinking out of it. While this is not my experience, let it be known (again).

Cadence is essentially a set of magnetic capsules that can hold various substances—haircare, skincare, pills, small jewelry, etc. Great for traveling.

They also sell magnetic labels/icons that you can add to the top of your capsules to identify which substance is what and customize your “system,” as they call it. As someone who just bought a bunch of cheap plastic bottles that took up entirely too much space in my suitcase AND cut off the tops of post-it notes to label each of them (that eventually all came unstuck anyways), this feels like a genius idea. I’m still traumatized from not knowing the difference between my toner and my heat protectant spray…

I quite literally just got my Cadence in the mail last night, so I cannot speak to a travel experience, yet. But I can tell you how I feel about the items so far.

First of all, I love how everything looks. It’s sleek. While I wish they had more saturated colors, rather than pastels and muted colorways, I’m happy with the Cacao and Jade capsules I ordered. I got the Discovery Edit that comes with a (jelly material) Large Parcel with a magnetic locking closure to hold my #stuff. It also comes with capsules labeled shampoo, conditioner, moisturizer, pill icon, sun icon, and one blank label. I also threw in a large capsule for good measure.

They all fit nicely in my bag, the magnetic aspect is cool/keeps everything tight inside, and it doesn’t take up a ton of room. I kinda wish these weren’t plastic, although I’m not sure another lightweight alternative. Overall, I like this idea and think it’s a cool way to be able to organize your travel essentials…and cute! Are they too good to be true though? If they are actually leak-proof, I’d say they’re pretty great.

Is Cadence worth $154?

The price is kind of steep for plastic, but I guess you’re paying for the ease of the “system” and the aesthetic. Everything comes in a neat little package and you don’t have to think about labeling or much else. If you’re a frequent traveler, this may be worth it in the long run—again, as long as they don’t leak!

I can recognize when someone’s glam looks…”off.,” but I do not claim to know much of anything about beauty. So, as a resident normal person (with no deep-seated interest in makeup), I’ll give you my thoughts.

I’ll be straight up, my makeup brushes are really cheap and probably from TJ Maxx or E.L.F. I don’t think I’ve ever bought good quality makeup brushes in my entire life. It’s like the opposite of what Dolly says—it costs next to nothing to look this cheap!

Brush No. 3 is double-sided brush with one side angled and the other compact, yet fanned out. It’s pretty sweet. I had absolutely zero expectations, but it’s incredible smooth, blends excellently, and doesn’t shed. I’ve kicked all my other brushes to the curb. I use the angled side to blend in my liquid concealer, liquid foundation, and cream bronzer. And then I use the other side for my powder.

Is the Saltyface brush worth $44?

Knowing what I know now, yes. If you would have told me to pay $40+ for a makeup brush 6 months ago, I would have told you to kick rocks. Now that I know what it’s like to brush my face with something sooo smooth, I’m not sure I can ever go back. The double-sided aspect of it definitely helps too. Aside from my eyeshadow brushes and my little under eye powder brush, this is pretty much all I need for my face. Big fan!

I also got The Everywhere Bag in addition to my brush. It’s soft. It’s simple. I used it to put my mini shower products in when I went on vacation and it did the trick. I’m a sucker for any little makeup bag/pouch, because it’s a product I never think to buy.

Is the Saltyface Everywhere Bag worth $36?

I like it, but probably not. It's not a special design and it’s not unique in any way. The only USP they have for it on the website is that it’s made from recycled materials, which is like…many things these days. How unique is that really?

All in all, buy the brush. Skip the bag. The end.

Prequel sent me 3 different products to try out—a sunscreen lip balm, wide-brimmed sun hat, and a chemical sunscreen. I take sun protection VERY seriously, because I like to be naturally pale. I keep my skin looking like a porcelain doll if I can help it. If you ever catch me with a spray tan, you’ll know we’re in an Invasion of the Body Snatchers situation.

Let’s talk sunscreen. This Solar Shade Chemical Sunscreen SPF 46 is super lightweight, but I’m not a fan. It leaves my skin feeling/looking pretty greasy. I appreciate the lightness, but it leaves me feeling like an oily pizza box. I tend to have oily facial skin (according to my facialist), so this could just be a product that’s better suited for people with dry skin. I can’t speak to the “effectiveness” of said sunscreen, because I only put it on twice and never again…

Is the Prequel Chemical Sunscreen worth $25?

For me, absolutely not. But, everyone’s skin is different. Some reviews say it’s oily. Some reviews say it’s perfect. This is a product I would urge you to try for yourself if you have dry skin. Those with sufficient natural oils? Pass. My go-to face sunscreen is the Innisfree Daily UV Defense, for context!

Let’s talk lip balm. I was pretty excited about the Lip Visor Sunscreen SPF 30—I’ve been on a tinted lip balm journey recently (as opposed to thick lipstick). I picked out the shade Rosedust. The color is fantastic, as I tend to gravitate towards rosy colors that aren’t TOO saturated—something that mimics a natural pink/reddish hue. It does have a strong minty smell/feeling, almost like menthol (but there is no menthol in the product). Personally? I’m a fan. It feel fresh and it doesn’t sting. Maybe that’s just years of Too Faced Lip Injection Lip Gloss talking, but I love it.

Issues? Over time, it does get increasingly harder to squeeze product out of the tube. I don’t feel like it lasts a super long time (on my lips) and it doesn’t moisturize my lips in any way. When you hear “lip balm,” you assume that it’s going to leave your lips feeling plump and hydrated. This isn’t really the case.

Is the Prequel Lip Visor Sunscreen worth $14?

Despite my issues with the product, I haven’t abandoned it. I still use it in rotation with my other lip balms for a darker shade of rose, or if I know I’m going to be outside. That being said, I can’t say I’m obsessed with it or would plan on buying a new tube once this one runs out. I do like the idea of sun protection for your lips, though and I’m sure it’s a tricky thing to get 100% right—moisturizing, long-lasting, non-sticky, perfect shade—so I appreciate what Prequel is doing here. I’ll say, it’s worth trying out!

Let’s talk hat.

It’s a wide-brimmed hat that you can turn inside out, depending on your color #vibe—off-white or black. It’s 100% cotton and made to protect your face from the sun monster. It is really #thiq material, almost like a canvas bag, which a lot of the reviews take issue with. If you’re looking for something breathable, this hat is not that. It seems like it’s legitimately made to block sun from hitting your face. Period.

As someone who’s beach/summer vibe is very much, “this photo of Margot Robbie,” I appreciate a black hat that has 1 job.

It fits my head well and I’m excited to wear this sitting out by the pool. The design is simple. It’s got a removable strap. It’s cool.

Is the Prequel sun hat worth $30?

I think for $30 it could stand to be a little more stylized. It does give off “prototype” vibes. I do take issue with the product description on the website that claims “The soft, breathable cotton has a detachable strap and comes in 2 different sizes to ensure a proper fit.”

I like this hat, but there is nothing soft or breathable about it. That just feels like a straight up fib. Anyways, if you want to hide from the sun by way of minimalism, this hat is for you.

I’m pretty sure the founder behind this brand is an “influencer doctor.” I know, crazy that that exists… I was kind of skeptical at first, but I had been using a gel cleanser that I didn’t feel was doing anything for my skin, so I thought, “what the hell?”

I was pleasantly surprised! I love the feeling of the gel and how well it actually lathers when you rub it in. I’m not breaking out AS much since switching to Remedy as my cleanser and I do feel like it’s cleaning my face (whatever that means). The bottle is pretty big and it’s lasted me a lonnnngg time.

Is Remedy face wash worth $15.30?

For me, yes. I will be buying another bottle when my current one runs out. They also sell it at my local Target now, which is supremely convenient. Again, everyone’s skin is different. What works for my skin may not work for yours! Purchase at your own risk. I’m having a great time, though.

SWEED gifted me this eye pencil, a tube of brown mascara, and an eyelash serum…but since I haven’t stuck with the eyelash serum long enough to accurately review OR worn mascara in quite some time, I feel it would be dishonest to give my opinion without more evidence and use.

So, let’s talk eye pencil. I got the shade “bright” that’s a pinkish/white hue, made to use as a classic eyeliner or brightening pencil. I use this in the inner corner of my eyes to give the illusion that I’m not AS sleepy as I look, pre-pencil. I’m not a morning person, so I need this level of brightening trickery to help convince people otherwise. I enjoy it. It does what it needs to do. It’s creamy and smooth. It’s not heavy. Overall, good. Because it’s not stark white, it seems to naturally open up the eye without a ton of attention drawn to it—a silent hero.

Is this eye pencil worth $25?

I haven’t tried other brightening pencils, so I can’t speak to comparisons. I think it’s fab. It works for what I need it to. No issues on my part. If this is an important makeup component for you, buy it.

Lord knows why I was sent these…but I must review. Great flavor. Like actually delicious. I would drink 1000 of these willingly just for the taste. It’s like juice in a little packet. I guess people mix these with other drinks, but it’s not concentrated enough to where you absolutely need to. If you’re abstaining from alcohol, these could be nice.

I enlisted in one of my friends to drink a few of these to test out their potency and they didn’t feel much of a buzz at all. I think you’d have to down at least 5 or 6 to get…any vibe at all? Again, I’m no expert. I don’t even know what 2mg of THC and 4mg of CBD even means in a cosmic sense.

Are CANN roadies worth $45?

Probably not!

Proper is a brand founded by Amanda Kloots—a name I’ve heard before but honestly have no earthly idea where, why, or how. I guess she was on The Talk. Anyway, I got a water bottle and some hydration packets.

The hydration packets come in a variety of flavors. None of them are bad. They’re all pretty neutral and aren’t much different that Liquid IV—maybe a bit milder. Like all hydrations packet drinks, I got tired of them pretty quickly. To me, they start to taste like medicine or like I have the flu and I’m forcing “helpful” liquid down my throat.

Are the hydration packets worth $15?

I pretty much think all hydration powder is overpriced. Case in point.

I get what the water bottle is trying to do. It’s reusable, has a measurement line for your liquid, and has a removable filter for shaking the powder in with the water.

But does it have to be this ugly?

It’s a creamy off-white and greyish clear bottle that doesn’t make me excited to shake/drink my “medicinal-feeling” mixture. It’s just plastic. It’s cheap. It’s hideous. It feels ridiculously lazy. It’s not a “minimalist” design. It looks like an afterthought.

Is the Proper Reusable Water Bottle worth $14?

No. Do not buy this. And especially don’t leave the house with this—embarrassing!

That's every free thing I've accepted in recent memory, laid bare for your reading pleasure. The verdict? Brands: keep sending things. I'll keep being insufferably honest about them. It's the least I can do.