Death of the progressive man

“Holy crap, finally. Someone who gets it.”

Early on in her dating life, she felt like she was a kid in a candy store. She never thought she was a particularly attractive person, but she enjoyed getting attention from unexpected places.

Cabbage’s first relationship was someone random from the first dating app she’d downloaded. He was so cute, and he liked her. She thought, “I mean, what more could I want? I would not have had a chance with this guy back in high school.”

He even gave her flowers and cupcakes and went to do fun things with her, and one day, he just ghosted her. She just didn’t know what to make of it. But they were young.

Another guy she met on the street wanted her number, and he would take her out to all kinds of fancy dates and paid for everything. But he slowly started to tell her what was the “appropriate” thing to do. Like, “Oh, I don’t think you should be swearing that much.” Or “I don’t think that’s how you should show up to the interview. Let me make a suggestion. It’s really gonna help you.”

Even though it didn’t really feel right in her body, she just went along with it because she didn’t really have a reference point. She grew up thinking that it was always a good thing to listen to feedback because we are supposed to be always learning.

And the most recent relationship was one where they were very devoted to each other, but he had to move to a different city, and she had to move to a different city, and even though they tried to sustain the relationship for a little while, they got caught up in their own lives. Whenever she wanted to talk about something that was important to her, he just wouldn’t be as interested. And when he started talking about something important to him, she didn’t appear as interested.

So the dissolution was natural and organic as much as it was heartbreaking.

And each of the one-off dates she started going on after all this felt like a total wash because they were either trying to get laid, talking too much, or just boring.

Until…this guy.

She showed up to the date not feeling very hopeful because she was really starting to think that all men are the same. All the social media posts about how men can get duplicitous when they don’t get their way, all the violence women experience, and just red flags abound.

His name was Radish. He started the conversation with, “I want to pay for this meal not because I think you are less capable but because I just want us to not be worried about that kind of stuff right now. And I am not looking for anything in return. If you want to pay for the next meal, I am happy to receive, but I have no expectations.”

Wow.

I mean, it was impressive. It was not about paying for the meal. It was not about how well-spoken he was. It was just the level of consideration.

But given the unimpressive history and context of her experiences with men, Cabbage found a part of her wondering if he was being sleek. Like, wow, how much experience does he need to have had to be so well-rehearsed in consideration? Or maybe he’s transplanting language he learned elsewhere without actual soul in it?

But she could hear her ex’s voice in her mind already: “Why can’t you just be grateful for what you’re getting?”

She just appreciated Radish’s consideration and dismissed her suspicions.

The conversation went on throughout the night, and they were so engrossed with each other that the restaurant had to kick them out. Opening up about their upbringing and their wounds and emotions around them did not appear to be such a daunting task like the way it was for some of her past relationships.

And in the same conversation, she said to him that she has been toying with the idea of non-monogamy and polyamory. She wasn’t sure how he would respond, but she was not in the mood for holding things back in this particular conversation.

She said, “Just based on my previous relationships, I think it was a lot for either one of us to make each other responsible for all of our needs. I think that there was a sense of urgency in trying to build something together when there was so much going on in our lives.”

Radish responded honestly. “Well, I have heard about that, and it is something that I am open to. I don’t want to be immediately closed off to the idea; it’s just not something I am very familiar with. How about I do a bit of research and share with you my findings along the way? All I know right now is that I really like you, and I want to see you again.”

And so they met again. She was moved by his measured response and the certainty of his feelings. It was just so different from the previous relationships where people were not sure about her.

Cabbage also found it so hot that Radish was so considerate but without making things urgent. When she was sick, he brought her soup. When she asked him to do the most random things, he would come running.

And he would say, “Doing things for you brings me so much joy. I just love seeing you smile and giggle. Your laughter is my favorite sound.”

And on the weekends, they would go to protests together.

He would send her reels and articles that spoke to the injustices that Cabbage cared deeply about, and they would commiserate after a long day.

He would make her laugh like no one else ever had before. She felt like she could let her hair down and fart without any consequence.

The airy thought of “I think I found the one” kept floating through her mind.

Cabbage didn’t think that she could be loved even more.

A few months later, Cabbage brought up the thing about polyamory again.

She started, “I don’t know if you’ve been thinking about this, but I wanted to talk to you about the whole polyamory thing. I am committed to you, and your feelings matter to me the most, but I just want to make sure that we are not just sweeping this under the rug.”

He responded, “Yes, I’m sorry. I’ve been so distracted by just enjoying the moment with you that I have not been really taking this too much to heart. But it has been popping up in my mind here and there. And the thing that keeps coming up again and again is that I just love you. I love how you challenge me. I love that you care about the world. I love how bold and courageous you are. I love that you are different. I don’t think I will stop loving you just because you are polyamorous. How about we give this thing a try?”

And so they went on separate dates. They both found someone that they liked hanging out with. Those people also had either a life partner or a spouse, so the relationships were working really well. They were not quite there in polyamory, but they felt like they had a thriving non-monogamy practice.

Cabbage and Radish felt unstoppable.

And about a year into their relationship, he popped the question.

“I want to spend the rest of my life with you. Will you marry me?”

Cabbage said yes, of course. They went out to her favorite restaurant and celebrated, and then they went to a fast food chain late at night to celebrate.

While they were feeling simply high on life, she started to wonder out loud: “what do you think will happen if we don’t get along? Or if we go through some serious life shit and realize that we can’t deal with each other?”

Radish responded, “Well, I don’t know how you’re gonna be, but I know that I’m going to spend the rest of my life with you, and I am committed to figuring out anything with you.”

She asked, “Why do you love me so much? You could have been with anybody else.”

He answered, “Because you’re you. I don’t know how else to describe it. The moment I laid my eyes on you, I just knew.”

There was something so heartening about his certainty, and yet…also something very dissatisfying about that answer. She chalked it up to her just being weird and sensitive again and brought herself back into the moment. She was getting exactly everything she had wanted. Everyone around her was telling her how lucky she was. And she did not want to ruin it.

In the first year of their marriage, Cabbage got a new job offer in a completely different city. She was nervous to tell Radish because he had just gotten settled in this city, and leaving the city would mean that he would have to find a different job and also leave his friends and lovers behind.

She didn’t have that much of her roots in the community, so it was an easier decision for her.

When she told him, Radish was not phased.

“Of course, I would go anywhere with you. I will follow you to the ends of the planet. I will tell my beloveds, and yes, it’s going to be heartbreaking, but we’re gonna get through this together.”

Cabbage felt like he had unloaded a million pounds off her back. She thought to herself, “Maybe this is what a true partnership looks like.”

And yet… in the back of her mind, she felt like he was maybe being too generous. And it didn’t feel right just up and leaving Radish’s lovers so easily like that. Did those relationships hold any weight for him? Again, she chalked it up to her inability to receive love and grace and generosity and started to pack up her bags.

In the new city, it took a minute to get adjusted to the climate there.

Both socially and geographically. But soon they found their rhythm, and Radish found a new job. He really liked the new job, and she really liked her new job. So many places in the city to explore, and a lot of time and resources to explore.

Radish thought it was the perfect time to have children.

“I love you so much, and I want to build a life and family with you. I talked to my friends and beloveds about this, and they are very supportive of introducing a baby into our gorgeous little polycule. Of course, this is your body, and I only want to have children if you want to have children.”

Cabbage was moved. She always wanted to have children, too, but there was a real part of her that was growing with doubts. Given the increasing evidence that the world is an increasingly unfriendly environment for raising children, she began to think more critically about what it would actually mean for her to bring children into the world. She loved her peace, but she also wanted children so badly.

She went to a trusted advisor for support.

And they said, “Of course, I cannot tell you to go one way or the other. But one thing I can tell you is that either way will be laden with unspeakable grief for the rest of your life. Women are demonized for having children. Women are demonized for not having children. Either way is an unfriendly environment for a woman to subsist. But at least the choice is yours.”

Cabbage thought about this a lot. She cried so much about it. And…every time she cried about it, she found herself grieving the life she would have had if she had children. She was not imagining forward towards that life; she was grieving that life in her tears already. With time, her mind began to register the fact that her body had already landed in a world where she would not bear children. Her tears were signaling for her mind to catch up with her body’s truth.

And the more she was resistant to that conclusion, the more she grew tired. And she felt less inclined to have sex. She was too submerged in her grief that, for an ongoing stretch of time, she could not find any real desire to be spontaneous or fun or playful with Radish the way they had always been.

When Radish heard news that Cabbage was not interested in having children, they grieved together. There was a part of Radish that was deeply angry and resentful because of how much he wanted to grow a family with Cabbage.

But he recognized that the weight on Cabbage’s shoulders were bigger than his, so he held her through her grief more than she could.

But at times, the grief was too big for either of them to hold together. There were days where Cabbage would lash out at Radish when she could detect even the tiniest smell that he wanted to have sex with her.

“How could you even think about sex right now when you can clearly see that I am a mess?”

He fell quiet and simply sat next to her. Sad. Rejected. But still present.

With time, Cabbage could see how much the lack of sex was affecting Radish.

“It’s really not about the sex. I am getting sex in other relationships, but I just want to know that you love me. I know that sex is not the only way to love me, but it’s just been so long.”

She saw how much he lit up every time they did end up having sex. How much he would take care of all the chores and errands each time he was able to release with her. And her body was increasingly tired from the relentless grief, that any capacity he had to take care of more of the errands was simply really helpful. She was really at point where she had to decide which exhaustion to opt into for the day.

So there were days when she found the transaction to be a bargain that she was willing to make instead of longer emotional conversations that followed the same loop with no conclusion.

The temperature of the relationship appeared to settle a bit, and they thought it would be a good idea to get a puppy and a kitten to support the grieving process. Their floof was exactly what they needed to taste what smiles and joy looked like again in their partnership, and taking care of them felt like a distraction from grieving what it would’ve looked like if they were taking care of a baby.

In between the weeks, Cabbage didn’t even have that much of a capacity to meet with her other friends and beloveds given the grief, but when she did meet with them, sex with them felt like an escape.

It felt like relief. Because none of those people knew about the grief well enough to ask about it, and none of them were so close to the grief where she felt like she could not take a breath, so it felt like a space where she could occupy without the grief following her.

Radish did the same. It was not that non-monogamy was new to them; it was just that Radish felt especially hurt when Cabbage was more willing to have sex with other people than with him. Even though he understood the rationale that Cabbage had so clearly articulated and that he agreed to it and understood it.

But there was no amount of reasoning in the world that could erase the hurt.

And it was around this time when Radish met Turnip.

Turnip was also a few relationships into her non-monogamy journey, looking to transition more to a polyamorous practice because she “just wanted more love in her life,” and she believed that polyamory would be the way.

So when she met with Radish and heard all about their adventures and how they had made it through so many difficult transitions in their lives, she was intrigued.

Their physical chemistry was instant. It had been a while since Radish felt this desired, so longed for. And they had so many similar interests that Radish had long grieved didn’t have with Cabbage.

Radish loved gardening and hiking, and Cabbage was more of a homebody.

Turnip had her own garden since she was a child, and hiking was her weekly activity.

So naturally, Radish began to spend more time with Turnip.

At first, none of this was an issue. Cabbage was so glad that Radish had finally found someone that he could connect with more emotionally. That was the whole premise of polyamory: a practice where everyone loved more freely and truthfully.

They had been doing just well for the past several years. Sometimes parallel, sometimes kitchen table. Sometimes somewhere in between. They were well-versed in practicing regard for one another.

And one day, their puppy Epsilon had caught a nasty infection in her kidney that required weekly trips to the vet. Cabbage gladly volunteered to take Epsilon during the day time because Cabbage worked from home, and Radish was out at work. It was a nice excuse to force herself to get out of the house and see that the world existed out of her grief.

Except…she started taking care of the weekend visits, too.

She brought it up to Radish one evening. “Hey, I’ve been taking Epsilon to the vet two weekends in a row, and I’m having some feelings about it. Do you mind taking her for the next visit? I can schedule her in for an evening so that you can take her. I actually am falling a bit behind work and my own errands because of all these visits.”

Radish asked, “Okay, what day?”

“Either Wednesday or Thursday? I don’t know, we’ll have to check,” Cabbage answered.

Radish said, “Okay, well I am seeing Turnip on Wednesday so can you ask if Thursday will work better?”

Cabbage slid in, “I mean, if you want the Thursday, you can call them and ask yourself.”

Radish retorted, “Okay, what’s with the attitude? You’re the one who wants me to take Epsilon in. I don’t think it’s a big ask to take care of the appointments. Besides, you’ve been taking care of the appointments this past month so you know the ropes.”

Cabbage was frustrated. “There is no attitude. And there are no ropes to know. You just call and make the damn appointment.”

Radish stood up straight. “Okay. There is definitely an attitude.”

“Alright,” Cabbage conceded. “I am sorry for being snippy. I know that you have long days at work, so I appreciate you taking her in.”

There was a part of her that didn’t mean the apology and just wanted to finish the conversation because she did not want him to latch onto the “attitude” he kept bringing up instead of hearing her pain.

She told herself, “He’s heard enough of my pain. We’ve been through enough already. I understand that he may not have the capacity at the moment.” Even though she really wished, in an undeniable part of her heart, that he would at least appreciate the effort she was putting in to take Epsilon.

Thursday evening came by, and Radish started heading out. Without Epsilon.

Cabbage grabbed onto Radish. “Hold on, I thought you were taking Epsilon to the vet appointment today?”

Radish seemed unbothered. “Well, we never resolved that issue. I thought you were calling them to make the appointment, and so when you didn’t say anything, I just assumed that you made another arrangement.”

Cabbage could not contain the irritation fuming out of her veins.

“What the fuck are you talking about? I thought I said, ‘thank you for taking her in.’”

“Well that doesn’t solidify anything,” Radish said firmly.

Cabbage was barely keeping it together. “Okay, even if you are right. Even if we did not fully decide on what we were going to do, why am I the only person taking care of Epsilon right now? If you did not hear anything from me, then why didn’t you check in with me on the appointment?”

Now Radish was up there with her. “I fucking hate ‘why’ questions. I cannot stand when you look at me like that like I am the worst person ever. Standing there like I fucked up SO BIG. Are you forgetting all the ways I DO show up to the relationship? It seems like you suddenly have short term memory whenever you get upset. I can’t do this right now. I need to get some air.”

Cabbage was dumbfounded and shocked at the sharp turn of this conversation.

She started to genuinely question herself:

“Was I that harsh?”

“Should I have been a bit kinder?”

“Maybe I was more demanding than usual?”

She audited herself to check whether she was out of integrity with herself. She concluded that she was meaner than usual and that she should not have raised her voice like that.

But there was still a part of her that could not quite reconcile what appeared to her as out of character for Radish. Was it something about his new relationship with Turnip that was affecting his disposition?

She didn’t want to make assumptions, and she wanted to focus on her relationship with Radish.

So the next time she spoke with Radish, she apologized.

“Hey, I am sorry that I exploded at you like that. I didn’t mean to ask you a ‘why’ question like that. I was just really upset.”

“I get it,” Radish responded. “And I am sorry I just ran out like that. I think I’ve just been feeling a bit removed from my relationship with you given everything going on. I’ll work on it.”

“That’s alright,” Cabbage said. “Do you want to go on a date this weekend? Maybe take a hike like you always wanted? Maybe this Saturday?”

Radish lit up. “Yeah, let’s do that. Let’s go to the Sunny Waterfalls down south from here. I haven’t been there yet since we’ve moved, and I think it will be great.”

It was Friday afternoon. Radish had just gotten home from work.

“Babe, was it tomorrow that we were gonna go hiking together?”

“Yeah,” Cabbage replied. “You mentioned Sunny Waterfalls.”

Radish said, “Oh crap. I am so sorry. You know how I am with calendars. I forgot to add to the calendar that I am meeting Turnip and her two brothers for an afternoon round of golf.”

“Golf???” Cabbage was deeply confused. “What do you mean golf? You never play golf.”

“Yeah, but sometimes you gotta make sacrifices to be with someone you love,” Radish replied.

Cabbage was surprised. “You love Turnip already? It’s been a month.”

“Yeah,” said Radish matter-of-factly. “I knew I loved you about a month in, too. Same with Beetroot. Same with Onion.”

“But golf?” Cabbage was still stunned. “That’s just a ways from anything you’ve ever been into. You also told me how much you hate golf because of how much your mom suffered from terrible clients at the golf course back home. I mean, what are their politics?”

Radish came to it. “Yeah, you know, they listen to those red pill podcasts. They joke about some inappropriate stuff. But I just let it in one ear and let it out the next. You just gotta let them do whatever they gotta do and laugh about it behind their back. You can’t reason with these people, anyway.”

Cabbage stuttered, “Wh-what? Why are you-, I mean, then why are you hanging out with-, I mean, what about this golf game with them is so important?”

“You know, they are owners of the golf club, and they’ve been teasing Turnip for years to get a proper boyfriend, and now that she finally has one, it’s almost like a way for her to get street cred and get them to buy her more meals and you know, things like that.” Radish continued, “And I’ll get free meals out of it, too.”

Cabbage couldn’t find words. “I just-, I don’t-, I don’t know what to say.”

“Listen, it’s not like I am going to turn into them.” Radish was so confident. “This is just a situational relationship that is beneficial to everyone at the surface level.”

Cabbage asked, “What does that even mean? I just can’t-, I can’t sit here and listen to you saying that you are going to play golf with red pill bros instead of hiking with me and repairing your relationship with me so that you can help Turnip get more money from her brothers.”

“Don’t worry,” Radish went on. “We can find another time. It’s just that they are leaving town the next day, so I have to make this work. How about Sunday?”

Cabbage was trying to take a pause, but couldn’t. “‘Don’t worry’? ‘I have to make this work’? Who am I to you? I don’t recognize you anymore.”

Radish was getting impatient. “Alright, you are judging me again. I get to do what I want for a woman I love. You have seen what it looks like when I love. This shouldn’t be a surprise for you.”

“I am not jabbing at your devotion,” Cabbage said. “I am just hurt by how quickly you have changed. Or maybe this was always already you.”

“Don’t come at me with those sweeping judgmental statements,” said Radish. “I am so tired of this.”

“Alright, okay. I’m sorry. I think I misspoke.” Cabbage slowed down. “I am not hurt by how quickly you changed. I am hurt by what appears to be a big transition in our lives. I am not asking you to withdraw from your relationship with Turnip. I am asking you to slow down just a little bit so that we can repair our relationship.”

Radish was quick to respond. “But haven’t I already done so much? Like, when will you be satisfied? I was there for you when you wanted to explore polyamory. I was there for you when you wanted to uproot my WHOLE LIFE just so you can take your new job. And you didn’t even stay there that long. It turned into a remote job! And I had to say goodbye to people I loved. And then I was there for you when you decided to not have a family with me, which is the only thing I ever wanted with you. And when you didn’t want me physically while you were sleeping with other people, do you have any idea how much I felt left behind?”

“Wait,” Cabbage paused. “I thought you were doing all of those things because you wanted to. So you are punishing me because you decided to show up in all the ways that you showed up?”

Radish rolled his eyes. “Oh my god, you are making this about you again. This is not about you. This is about my reclaiming my space. I WAS doing all of this for me, but I thought we were going for the same thing. I thought we were building a life together, and it turns out I was just doing whatever you wanted to do.”

Cabbage was perplexed. “And that means that you get to go with Turnip whenever you want? How is it that you are increasingly giving more and more to her?”

“Because she wants me,” said Radish. “She is kind to me. She takes care of me. She doesn’t ask me ‘why’ questions. She actually wants a family with me. She is devoted to me. She doesn’t want to be polyamorous. She thinks only about me. Do you have any idea how hard it is to find someone who loves me like that?”

Cabbage asked feebly, “But what happened to ‘I would go anywhere with you’?”

“That is still true,” said Radish so confidently. “But again, you have no idea how hard it is to love you. How much I have sacrificed to be with you. And to see that you don’t even want me. It’s hard to be around you.”

“So…then why are you still here?” Cabbage was trying to wrap her mind around a million things at this point. She added, “It’s not like we have kids together. You can go be with her if there is nothing left in this relationship for you.”

“Because I still love you,” said Radish. “I still want to be with you.”

Cabbage thought out loud, “Is it because I take care of the majority of the housework? And because I take care of our fur babies? And it would be a pain to sell the house that’s under our name?”

“You know what,” retorted Radish, “this is exactly why it’s so hard to love you and be around you. You think that I’ve just reduced this whole relationship into a transaction. You’re the reason we are in this mess.”

“Did I reduce the relationship into a transaction, or did I name what might already be happening? Where is the attack and defensiveness coming from? Is there a chance any part of this might be true?” Cabbage already regretted this flurry of questions.

Radish stood up. “Fuck this. Fuck these probing questions that carry no appreciation for all the work I’ve been doing all these years. I was so devoted to you. And you’re turning all of it into this giant indictment of my character, and I am NOT available for this.”

And he stormed out.

He felt so unloved, so unseen in that moment that he went to Turnip to cry into her arms and find the kind of comfort that he never found in Cabbage. He felt so held in his grief, so desired, so spiritually entangled with Turnip in a way that numbed his pain. The pain of having devoted to the one person he thought had ever truly loved with his whole heart and soul, and…feeling like he had gotten nothing in return.

He was so submerged in his pain that he didn’t care about using any barriers that evening. He felt justified in devoting only to his own pleasure with Turnip that night, knowing that she also wanted a child with him.

With no additional thought, no additional examination, he disappeared into what he believed was endless pleasure. “Finally,” he thought. “The kind of devotion I know I deserve.” Because he had been giving it all these years.

He became so lost in the moment that he did not even have the wherewithal to desire the night to never end.

And then…the night ended.

Turnip was still there. Ready to leave polyamory with him into the sunset.

Cabbage was gone. Sure, she was physically gone after a few conversations before she left.

But the truth was that her body was gone even before she realized that it was time to put on her shoes.

She just needed a moment to come to terms with the steep regret of having ignored her own suspicions this whole time:

“I wish we had had more conversations about where our politics came from, what it cost us, and how it evolved over time together.”

“I wish we had put in place a structure where we have a rigorous practice of equitable labor in the home.”

“I wish we had talked more about what polyamory was for him, and how that affected the way he practiced regard for everybody in ecosystem, not only the people who fulfilled the most needs.”

“I wish I had followed my intuition when I felt dissatisfied and inquired more about where that was coming from instead of chalking that up to a personal fault.”

“I wish I did not make his love for me information about me but information about him...so that I may know more about him, the person I claimed to love.”

And even with all of these regrets, she wondered, “Would it have been different if I had done everything the way I would have done in hindsight?”

“Would I have had less pain?”

“Would less pain have meant something else?”

It was then that she recognized that whatever the pain meant was the one thing that was within her purview.

Deciding what the pain was going to mean for her was the one thing no one could take from her.

She held the ability to transmute the pain into whatever she needed it to be to propel her in the direction she ached for in her aliveness in this moment.

And so she did.