Tour Diary 1, 10.16.25

I’m four shows into the Finding Lucinda screening tour. I feel up to my brim with unexpected emotions. If I could say anything about this current moment for me, it would be that I don’t feel how I anticipated I would. But that’s mostly a good thing.

Before I shared the final cut of Finding Lucinda, I was worried people would balk at the vulnerability of this story. They might even use my honesty about my struggles with confidence against me. They could diminish my capabilities, because this film shows me as an artist who isn’t sure of their worth. But I’ve been surprised, because people are getting it. People watch and see that they’re not alone in that constant drumbeat of self doubt that plagues so many of us. Lucinda’s music is a shared palette, and the artist’s life and emotional struggle is the story beneath it.

Yesterday, I drove through the Jordan Valley of Oregon, and up along the Salmon River in Idaho. It’s pumpkin-spice-latte fall leaf landscapes, it was my birthday, and a great day. I listened to “I Just Wanted to See You So Bad”. I ate a nice Italian meal in Moscow ID and surveyed my feelings — excited, anxious, tired, and purposeful.

I lost a close friend in June, and along with the challenges of putting out this project, this summer I felt like I was sculling in a large lake. That’s when you don’t have a floatation device, and circle your hands and feet to keep your head above water. Sinking down meant dropping into the emotion of simple sadness. It often came to me abruptly. That was something I’m not used to. I’m typically even-steven emotionally speaking. But after months of sculling above my grief, I was growing tired. Then on came the (jewish) new year, and I made a resolution to choose hope. This was something my self-effacing personality was not used to. My pattern has been to always turn to self criticism, and therefore a light dose of pessimism about the future. But I wanted to change, because I couldn’t stay sculling in that lake. So on this tour, I am choosing hope. In spite of whether the shows go according to plan, I’d like to be practical but optimistic. This change is surprising for me, because I am feeling less worried about my place in the hierarchy of music. I am less embarrassed about whether I have popular music or not. I am able to face the true reasons things do or don’t go according to plan, and value myself as deserving of cherishing as a person in spite of any perceived failings. Worthy, just as everyone else is.

— your pal, ISMAY

Join me on the Finding Lucinda Tour in ID, MT, Boston, NY, MI, Arkansas and more

If you purchase any merch (vinyl, CD, shirts, totes) today all funds will go to Palouse Land Trust, for whom we are fundraising this evening in Moscow ID

Photo by Jenna Lebowitz at the 4 Star Theater in San Francosco

p.s. that Salmon river photo is not mine, it’s from the Bureau of Land Management. I’m going to try and use my iPad to take some more pics going forward on the tour :)