Distracted by my own focus

The title is a bit weird and I think I am not a very good writer hence I couldn’t come up with a better one.

Today, I want to share something with you - a feeling.

A feeling that I have had for the last 3 years and I have thought a lot about. I have analysed it and reached multiple conclusions. But I have not been able to fix it.

The feeling is - Distracted by my own focus. I don’t know if this term makes sense right now but maybe we will figure it out as I keep writing this piece.

So, this is what goes on in my mind at any given moment of the day:

1. I should read a book

2. I was supposed to watch this movie

3. I have to watch this new podcast that I added to my watch later

4. I should work on a side project

5. Maybe I should learn programming from scratch (again)

6. Yeah, that Microeconomics course from MIT looks amazing, I should start the lectures

7. I am hungry, what should I eat - how many calories have I eaten today

8. It’s 7 PM, I only have 4 hours before I start feeling sleepy

9. But if I start reading a book now, when would I watch this movie

10. If I watch a movie, when would I work on my side project

11. What? It’s 8 PM already? I spent that 1 hour thinking about what I should do next?

12. Forget it, I will just watch some random YouTube video.

I think I go through this cycle at least 3 or 4 times a day. And most of these thoughts are coming to me at the same time with the same level of urgency or interest.

I don’t know what you call this - lack of discipline, lack of focus, fucked up attention span, or just a lack of patience? Maybe procrastination?

I like the term “Analysis Paralysis” too. It’s very funny but kinda real.

I am not sure.

I have tried to understand why I am the way I am. What stops me from doing things I want to do?

The closest I have ever come to an answer is that I get distracted by my own thoughts my own focus on the rest of the things that I want to do. The core reason could by my lack of patience.

Also, I can’t make myself sit and do things just for the sake of it. I have to “enjoy” it while having nothing else on my mind. Is it some kind of a syndrome?

You know why I don’t send out this newsletter frequently? It’s not because I haven’t written anything. I have too many incomplete drafts. It’s because whenever I start writing a piece, then I remember that I have other N things to do. Then I go on to convince myself that I won’t be able to complete this piece today anyway, so why even bother writing it?

A few years ago, I realised that I have a fear of failure and a tendency to always want perfection. Now, there are two ways to achieve this. The first is to actually do everything perfectly. But there is another way - not doing anything, because if you aren’t doing anything - you can’t really fail.

I know the problem, I have known it for a while but I haven’t been able to figure out the solution. Maybe I am avoiding it so hard because I am afraid - what if I fail at solving it? Ironic, I guess.

My past experience says that everything I feel, most of you feel that too 😂. So, me being open about my feelings here means that I am looking for either a tribe or some validation (yeah, I am self aware that way).

And to keep myself on a higher pedestal, I would also like to write “Maybe some of you will feel that you are not alone and feel better by reading this”.

So, if you have also felt this way ever in your life, please feel free to let me know that I am not alone 😂. And then we can hope together that it gets better some day.

Peace Out ✌🏻