Hello again! As I’m wrapping up my time living in NYC for the summer, I thought now would be the perfect time to reflect a bit on my experience. As I mentioned in a previous post, this summer was crafted in the context of a lot of firsts for me. First time living out of state, first time working a paid job, first time living somewhere without a lot of built-in friends. These circumstances have preceded many first-time consequences too, and I’ve found myself in a lot of uncharted territory in terms of mindsets, emotions, and experiences. A key piece of advice that was given to me before embarking on my internship was to be eager about the possibility of learning more and to be prepared to soak up as much information as possible. Internship aside, I’ve tried to consciously apply this same advice to my life. So this post is me, being eager to learn more this summer.
This started off as a much longer list but I did my best to condense. I cover a variety of topics so I hope at least some of these will resonate with you :D
Reaching out is easy for a busy person and difficult for a person that doesn’t care. I’ve heard busyness used as justification for not putting effort into a relationship or friendship on many occasions. It wasn’t until I noticed myself using this justification a bit too often that I started reflecting on how I think it might really be a cop-out. Ideally, relationships that matter to us should be energizing and exciting. It should feel natural and necessary to devote care to helping them flourish. If not just these feelings, we would also probably be inclined to put effort into an important relationship on the logical basis of investing in its future growth. If a connection is truly energizing to a person, then being busy and overworked should be an even greater reason to pursue it. If someone can acknowledge the importance of investing in a relationship’s growth, then it shouldn’t be too difficult to show a simple expression of appreciation by reaching out either. Most people are on their phones every 10 minutes, and everyone has a bit of free time to spare each day. I don’t think it’s inherently wrong to not reach out to someone or put effort into a relationship. But I do think it’s important to understand what that would truly imply.
I had a meet-and-greet with one of my coworkers last month and I found our conversation very illuminating. When she said she was going to share her tips for succeeding during my internship, I was surprised when the first thing she said was to make sure to dress with a consistent style every day. Wear suits from the same few brands and style your hair the same way every day. She very candidly explained how the same rule applies to personalities. Pick a certain persona that represents your greatest strengths and commit to it. This might mean speaking in the same tone of voice each day, approaching each situation with the same few lines of thinking, or maintaining a consistent demeanor, whatever it may be. It’s important to adapt and evolve but within the realm of what “personal brand” you’ve established for yourself. She explained that curating a personal brand is one of the most useful skills you can have in the workplace because it puts the people around you at ease. If they are able to predict your general behavior, they might be more inclined to trust you or open up to you professionally - and this may go a longer way than achieving the same outcome via plain work. This mindset plays off of a fact I’ve heard many times, which is that few things make people feel unsettled as much as the inability to predict what’s coming next. I have now started wondering how this same advice would apply to my life more broadly, and if developing a personal brand is a positive way to approach meeting new people and group relationships. I certainly see a case for doing so.
I’ve had a fair share of struggles with mental health ever since starting college. A downside to facing these struggles in a repetitive, fast-paced environment like a college campus means that there’s a high cost of changing the routine to experiment with new ways to boost your mental health. The summer is always when time seems to slow down, so I’ve finally gotten around to experimenting. The main thing I learned is that protecting your mental health can be largely external, and there are actions that you can choose to do every day to impose these externalities. Here are a few top ones:
Working in-person as opposed to choosing the remote option. I’ve certainly noticed a sharp contrast between my motivation and energy levels when I’m working comfortably from home vs. a more role-play environment like the office. There’s always a risk of an uplifting social interaction by working in person, and the role-playing a corporate worker aspect provides a structure to my time that makes the work I’m doing feel more meaningful. A long day in the office feels much more rewarding than one I spent in my apartment anyway.
Actively reaching out to friends to make plans. Especially in the context of living alone in an unconstrained environment like a big city, your enjoyment is largely a function of how much effort is put into attaining that enjoyment. On days I reached out to a friend to plan an evening trip or to grab food together, I felt infinitely more energized by the end and I’m always glad I put in that effort and helped create that plan.
Going to the gym. I dedicate a whole section to the gym later, but consistently going to the gym is an (although not easy) pill someone can take every day to boost serotonin levels and overall mood. There are few times in the day I find myself able to truly tune out the noise and focus on an activity that is complicated enough to demand my full mental effort and repetitive enough to be mindless at the same time. It’s a good opportunity to listen to music and not have to think too hard.
Investing in skincare or anything you feel would make you feel “prettier”. Before this summer, my skincare routine was to rinse with water that’s occasionally soapy. I finally felt enough of a whim to invest in actual skincare products and it’s made a surprising difference for mental health. Aside from just being fun, doing a skincare routine has been a confidence boost as I’m able to track the progress and it’s a good reminder to find time every day to cater to your well-being.
Simply avoiding doing things that feel bad. This should seem simple, but it isn’t. There are a lot of times when the mind and the body disagree on a course of action, but the mind usually wins since it’s more desperate for reward and the gratification of choosing the body comes too late. If there’s an external source that’s causing anxiety or stress, it’s an instinctual signal from your body that something’s not right. I’ve learned to pay more attention to these signals and trust the gratification from listening to them to eventually come.
Drinking some coffee. I used to think I was too cool to drink coffee because I would be able to get through the day on nothing but pure panic and rage (this has got to be a quote from somewhere). Except days when I didn’t have anything pressing to do became a huge drag. I ventured to the coffee machine at work on one day I was feeling particularly drained and unmotivated and a few minutes later realized I wasn’t depressed - probably just exhausted. The rest of the day was a breeze.
Even though no one’s watching, I’m always embarrassed by the fact that I have felt lonely in a city as lively as NYC. Especially with not always wanting to explore the city on my own, days where either my friends weren’t available or I simply didn’t have enough friends in the area to hang out with were truthfully really lonely. Everyone has experienced loneliness before but this particular kind has been shockingly powerful. I’ve made decisions this summer that have surprised me and seemed out of character, and I’ve found myself wondering if I would’ve made the same ones if I was in a familiar city surrounded by people I’m close with. I’ve come to realize that I probably wouldn’t. It can be difficult to discern between actions driven by loneliness vs. genuine interest but I at least think that a good rule of thumb is that you don’t have to say yes just because someone asked you - having something to do isn’t always better than having nothing to do especially when it can interfere with your peace of mind. There is some kind of solace to be found in deliberately marinating in loneliness because I’ve found that it can force you to learn how to entertain yourself and enjoy your own company. I think learning how to enjoy your own company is one of the most powerful tricks a person can have and I’m quite excited to learn more about that.
My fatal flaw is that I’ll work out for one hour and start checking for muscles. It’s for a good cause though. Some backstory is that I’ve always wanted to get into lifting for cosmetic reasons, but have always felt too self-conscious getting into it at the gym on campus. The weight room never fails to be packed with watchful eyes and something feels off about the guy who sits next to me in econ watching me suffer while trying to pick up a 15-pound dumbbell. I decided to do all my lifting experimentation in the comfort of an expensive gym here in NYC and have made an active effort to go 3-4 times a week. I can now confidently say that I see how people get addicted to working out. I realized that in the trajectory of my day, I never look in a full-length mirror long enough to know what I fully look like. But with the gym walls being constructed out of mirror material and everyone flexing in front of the mirror anyway, working out has made me painstakingly aware of what I look like. I’m not necessarily unhappy with what I see, but I’ve now identified countless areas for improvement in my appearance that I could potentially work on. Now that I’m aware of the problems, the natural motivation to solve them propels me to the gym without much pushback. I feel justified in prioritizing going to the gym over tiredness or other commitments knowing that I have targeted, actionable goals in mind other than the vague “be strong and healthy”. This isn’t the case for everyone but at least for me, physical hyperawareness was all that was needed to experience that gym addiction I always hear about.
“Middle School Rizz” is a term I heard one of my suitemates say last year and it’s stuck with me ever since. Under her formal definitions, middle school rizz refers to a form of communication that is designed to make the recipient fixated on the sender. It primarily works over text and has origins traced back to some genius middle schoolers who were probably trying to flirt. Some examples of this would be purposely waiting a set amount of time before responding or using a disinterested tone to create the illusion of unattainability or distance. It’s designed to trigger insecurity in another person, and there are psychological reasons why this is effective, all related to theories of addiction and withdrawal. Everyone has partaken in middle school rizz at some point (including myself), but something has clicked in my head in these past few weeks. There’s a reason these tactics work in middle and high school - the people around you are guaranteed to stay in your orbit for a certain period, and there’s a built-in level of patience for games and buildup because of this. Living outside of a school bubble has made me realize that I have no idea how long or short a time I’ll have with the people who are currently in my life. I wouldn’t want to waste it, so why not just communicate my feelings and cut to the chase? If mystique is the only thing propping up a connection, then it’s probably not very sustainable to begin with. I’d conclude this section by saying that I now think open and clear communication is very cool and sexy.
Double down on the things that allow you to express yourself. I hear a lot of musicians I follow talk about how moving to NYC has been one of the most inspiring periods in their lives for creating art. Taylor Swift most famously wrote her smash hit album “1989” in and about the cruel and rewarding nature of the city, and Olivia Rodrigo most recently said in an interview that she’s had unprecedented inspiration for her music while living in NYC. I’m not sure if this surge of creativity is more a product of observing the happenings of the city or the fact that self-expression suddenly feels a lot more valuable in those moments when there’s no one to talk to, which is often the case for young people who move to a big city for the first time. Regardless, I understand the hype. I’ve written some songs in these past eight weeks that I’m infinitely proud of, and I’ve had visions for new sounds and flavors of music inspired by how stimulating NYC is visually and auditorily. The moments I’ve had alone to reflect on past relationships and experiences throughout my life have also pushed me to tie up loose ends in old music and add wiser touches to them. I’ve also felt a greater urge to make blog posts with more consistency, a process I’ve taken great comfort in. Regardless of how many people read, I think of my blog as more of a personal diary and a way to document my thoughts. If I’m able to organize my thoughts on paper, then they’re already organized in my mind. Blogging has been a unique mode of release I’ve greatly appreciated this summer.
A lyric I wrote in a song two weeks ago was “I’ve got a bad habit of cutting off the body to save the arm” (I’m very proud of this one hehe). I think it illustrates a commonly felt inability to see the bigger picture. Especially when the arm and body seem indistinguishable, it can be difficult to know which things in life to prioritize. Something new I’ve tried recently is to actively ponder and even write down what kind of goals, morals, and character traits I want to achieve. It’s possible that having these things predetermined with a clear mind would make difficult decision-making much smoother particularly when clear-headedness isn’t entirely possible. This one is more of a work in progress.
I plan on putting out a new song soon called “I Don’t Know Better”! I’ll share updates about that here.
I also thought I’d leave off with a couple of NYC recs too while I’m on the topic:
Broadway Comedy Club (I saw an SNL writer there!)
Cafe Serafina by Central Park
Swing 46 jazz club (I fr do miss playing the drums)
Madam Ji in Soho
Forma Pasta Factory
Big thank you to Eric Chen for editing this and Godspeed
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