29 Things I Would Tell Myself After Turning 29

It’s over. It’s genuinely fucking over. And that’s okay. It’s unfortunate that you first learned the phrase THE WORLD YOU GREW UP IN NO LONGER EXISTS from right-wing coded twitter accounts posting pics of white girls in Uggs and leggings, but nevertheless that doesn’t change just how accurate the saying is. Probably there’s going to be an El Niño this fall that the world never quite bounces back from. You don’t know for sure if that’s true or not, but one of your most trusted schizo oomfs keeps saying it and you don’t have a reason not to believe him. Whatever. Enjoy the time you have left. At the very least, you’re getting laid in the Mediterranean.

Self-deport. It’s the best decision you’ll ever make. You will actively wonder why you spent so many years in fear when you could’ve been drinking beer on the streets of Madrid instead. You will never want to live in the US ever again. Although you will definitely visit in ten years time once your visa ban is up so you can eat Italian-American food again. You spent all those years in the states reminding them they’re not really Italian but lowkey you’ll miss them a little once you’re gone. It’s genuinely exhausting how real Italians insist on pronouncing arugula. Madrid has bastardized Italian-American food but it’s not quite the same. There’s also a singular Olive Garden here but they don’t even have calories on the menu. This doesn’t make any sense to you because you thought the EU was founded on skinniness and consumer transparency, but real Europeans will tell you they just lowkey don’t even give a fuck about it.

Baby trapping is probably fine. You only have so many fertile years left. Frozeneggcells, do not interact because I really don’t care to hear it. But actually you should probably stop joking about this because people will believe you and get scared. The truth is that despite being staunchly pro-choice, you are terrified of having an abortion. It just seems like a lot. You’re sensitive. Best to skip all that. Get on birth control. Be a serious person for once.

Literally just go into debt if you have to. It’s not that serious. No one can garnish your wages if you don’t have a job, and due to the current geopolitical landscape it’s possible you won’t ever have a real job again. None of this shit is real.

Date Italians or Slavs. Preferably both.

Also, you should probably learn the difference between Slavs and Balkans. Apparently they overlap. They will talk as if they expect you to already know these things.

Scratch that. You don’t have to learn shit. You’re American after all.

It’s lowkey not a big deal that you don’t want to air dry your clothes. I know Euros think that air-drying is okay but it’s really not. You can go to a laundromat and use the dryers for like 4€ a load. It is worth having your sheets back on your bed in like an hour tops. There’s even a cute laundromat that sells iced lattes only a 5 min walk from you. Sometimes people will enter it just to drink lattes, which will confuse you because the coffee is just fine and there’s also a cafe on every corner. Like why are you guys sitting here while I’m moving my damp clothes from the washer to the dryer. Whatever.

Piggybacking off that one. It’s fine that you’re American, and it’s not like you could stop anyway even if you wanted to. Go ahead and turn the AC on to sleep. Never forget that Europeans are more afraid of you than you are of them. Shoot or sue them if you have to.

You’re going to miss everyone you’ve ever met for the rest of your life. You are an extraordinarily sensitive and sentimental person and you don’t have to change. You can wish for the best for everyone from afar.

Wanting to be happy is not only okay, it’s actually normal. It’s true that melancholia makes you sexy and interesting, but you don’t have to be suckable all the time. Your version of happiness doesn’t have to make sense to anyone else, and it’s probably better that it doesn’t. People are fucking idiots anyway.

Buy a used digital camera. Go deeper into debt if you have to. Tell everyone you’re gonna send them the pics you took of them later. Forget to do it.

You can lowkey get by in Europe without ever learning the metric system. Every time someone references it, just say “whatever that means” and change the subject. At best, they’ll think you’re just being funny and at worst they’ll think you’re a bitch, which is actually a good thing. Europe.

If you must get drunk and tweet about your feelings, delete the tweets the moment you wake up.

Also, sit outside and drink as often as you can. Multiple times a day. Become an alcoholic if you have to.

You will know you’ve met the one once you’re with him. He will say things like “you should tweet that” and “you can commit hate crimes on GTA 4.” You will want to spend every day with him without ever getting bored of him. It’s the kind of love you didn’t know really existed. You will wonder why you ever worried that you wouldn’t find him.

If you need attention and fast, tweet something inflammatory about The Pitt and/or asexuals. Works every time.

Two words: Poland. Baecation.

Go ahead and block Chase bank’s number.

If things get too bad you can literally just go to Uruguay where assisted suicide is legal. It’ll probably never come to this but it’s comforting to have a back up plan. Ironically this will free you to enjoy your life. People who have never experienced suicidal ideation will never quite understand this, but that’s not your problem.

Make a playlist specifically curated for when you have people come over. It has to be pretentious but tasteful. Act casual. Replay a specific song until they knock on your door if you have to.

You lowkey haven’t learned that many things. You probably should know more by now. You’re 29.

It’s okay to talk about WW2 and conspiracy theories on the first date. You should just be as weird as you can and weed out the men who can’t handle it. The love of your life will brag about how he just needed to meet you after reading your “Let’s make sure we’re on the same page about who did 9/11” hinge prompt. Actually you can apply this mentality to most social interactions. You’re not for everyone. Circle back to #11. People are idiots.

Tell your friends back in the states not to mail you care packages. It’s a very sweet idea but you will have to pay over 40€ just to retrieve it. #ThanksTrump

Everyone in Madrid is a pawg. Logically this will make sense to you because of all the walking, but you just never considered it to be a possibility before moving here. The time to start doing squats was back in kindergarten, but you failed at that so you should probably start now. Luckily you have big boobs to balance everything out.

Menu del dia. Lunch specials that include apps and drinks for usually less than 20€. This will be your lifeline while you’re in Spain. If you play your cards right you can just get full midday and skip dinner. You can also stick to 1€ tacos. Yes, they are significantly smaller than the ones back home in the states, and also they all lowkey taste the same, but you’re not a foodie anyway and there’s no reason to pretend otherwise. Better than McDonald’s. Speaking of Maccy’s, it’s not as greasy as it’s supposed to be but still edible.

Renewing your Italian passport is the most annoying process in the world. You mistakenly believe that American bureaucracy has prepared you for this kind of thing but the truth is you’ve been so spoiled. First you will need to update your AIRE, which is a register of all Italian citizens living abroad. For some reason this will take months. Good luck getting a passport renewal appointment after this. Honestly, consider having your passport stolen and filing for an emergency one if you can. As of April 2026 you will still be looking into this.

Sex club.