Autism & Scapegoating in Adulthood

*this article can apply to most neurodivergences & half of it is stream of consciousness. If you have been scapegoated scroll to the big headline for tips and a bit of a pep talk <3

It’s ironic, really, that almost 10 years apart I’ve heard a similar reason for an entire friend group turning on me: “You’re just very negative / argue a lot / act like you can’t be wrong or like you want to fight.” And I know for a fact this is an experience more than enough fellow autistic people have had. Maybe you weren’t ghosted or hardblocked by an entire friend group, but you have probably been told something about how you communicate before if you’re neurodivergent.

At 17 the friend group I was a part of was actually regularly meeting up on Teamspeak to talk. I had a long time since then to reflect that my natural need for deep and nuanced discussion was seen by some as a sign of seeking discourse and conflict. I even remember reaching out two years later to ask what really went wrong. Same answer. No example. Never an example that comes to mind of a “why”. It’s just a “vibe” people get. Even other neurodivergent people cannot pinpoint it as if the answer isn’t right in front of them aka you simply don’t vibe with a normal side effect of having a differently working brain (especially on the low support needs side, let’s be real here).

At 26 the friend group I was a part of is one that I created (if I think deeply enough I also created the one ten years ago…ironic every single time). We shared an interest and interacted a lot online, so I made a group chat. And as it happens if you have not the cleanest of mental health slates coming together, people occasionally have their little conflicts here and there but they are usually mended. That was (at least I assumed) the case with this friend group when it happened to me once or twice because of misunderstandings. But the moment I publilcly acted defensive, triggered and, well, autistic, partially in response to something that was actually validly triggering me (someone trying to speak over me about a fictional piece I had written and me being very anti-cop/anti-censorship about fictional writing even if it’s badly written or covers dark topics), hell broke lose. Suddenly the people that didn’t like that “vibe” of communication I had, had an example to latch onto of me actually fitting that idea they had of me. Friend group? Imploded. A grand total of two people ever tried to actually talk to me about it a little bit, but never enough to deeply clear anything up. Those are the moments I realize that grown ass adults are still incapable of conflict resolution (or prevention).

The difference between these two instances is: The second time it wasn’t my only friend group. I thankfully have more than enough friends now that prove to me that in this case, even if it looks like an entire group outdoes one person with a hot take, I was not actually the issue (doesn’t mean I didn’t potentially act shitty without my intention, but ya can’t fix what ya aren’t being told about). I was the scapegoat. And I know several other neurodivergent people that had this shit happen to them. Being scapegoated for an obvious symptom of a neurodivergence: communication issues and social cue issues.

We neurodivergent people have a great skill for making other people mythologize us into someone we aren’t and then they act like they were always right when they catch us in a moment we are actually triggered. I can only imagine how much worse this is for people that are more marginalized within the neurodivergent community like people with schizophrenia or personality disorders. Even if you have other friends to depend on, having this happen to you is fucking jarring and it will sit with you at least for a couple of days to the point that it impairs your daily mood. Frankly, even if you’re used to handling stuff like this it will echo mentally for a few weeks.

The fact this happens from ND people, targeted at ND people is what got me heavily the second time. How could someone who has autism themselves, not understand that communicating weird is part of my neurotype and not me being a deliberate asshat? How could someone who is ND not have the urge to clear things directly with the person being targeted by a group? Hell, why did an ND person not notice it’s a group versus one person but nobody is trying to talk like adults? That’s another thing that differentiates the experience from 10 years ago. That friend group back then had the age range of 15-20. A valid age range to be absolutely ASS at communication sometimes. Plus, some people weren’t even scapegoating me in that group, they were more silent onlookers and never got negative about me to begin with once I checked in with them. This time it was people from age 19 to age 36. Not that age is an indicator for emotional maturity but…it’s impressive to lack the skills to clear conflict at any age over 30 even in the neurotypical conflict-resolution way.

The crazy thing? When I outlined the situation to someone outside of the situation that was autistic as well, they were immediately able to analyze what went on. Sure, there could be confirmation bias because they only have my side, but frankly that’s also because I barely heard anything from the other side besides the accusation that I don’t take feedback well (which, ironically, when I looked at conversations we’d all had, I repeatedly found proof that whenever feedback was stated directly and autism-conscious, I actually responded well — even if my response sounded neutral, but I’m speaking about people here that got their panties in a twist about me using assertive tone when it was necessary because my boundaries were overstepped, so I should really not be shocked).

The fact that this, as chaotic as my description of it sounds, is a common occurence for autistic people, is something that has to be addressed more. Being scapegoated like that will make you feel like you’re the sole problem because it’s several versus one. It’ll make you question if you are just looking for an excuse when you name autism as a reasoning (especially because they will be like “I’m also autistic this isn’t an excuse” as if experiences aren’t different). It derails your nervous system. It makes you replay stuff. And it especially makes you want to solve things with people who have no desire to solve anything. It’s like being cancelled on a small scale for having a disability, essentially. Because even if it was rude and even if it was hurtful, if nobody ever brought it up before and assumed you should know, that is ableistic. If people can’t name specific examples of a misbehavior that’s almost always suspicious. I’ve never ended a friendship over communication issues without first thinking about situations that upset me that I could name. The only time I find it valid to break a friendship with someone (not oust them, not treat them like this) for mental health reasons is if you actually told them directly several times what’s wrong and they repeat it. It might still be partially the fault of their diagnosis but in that case you at least communicated your discomfort.

Well, firstly, if you don’t have 1-on-1 friendships with other ND people, try slowly building those because it’s trial and error and it’s usually safer than friend groups.
Secondly, this shitty feeling will pass, even if it passes like a kidney stone.
Thirdly, I know it’s hard to not obsess over the situation but try to use coping mechanisms. I recommend writing down your version of events once (even with evidence if there is any) in case anyone ever comes back to you about it. Any writing after that should be to get the emotions out or to, although not always recommended, intellectualize it because you might actually be feeling it too much.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news but mindfulness tools can help a lot in these situations, or at least something else that regulates you like a workout or being in nature. Touching grass is always an option. Things you usually like might be difficult to do, but you can try to at least consume media that makes you feel positive feelings.

Will all of this work perfectly? No. You will still have random moments throughout the day where the situation springs back up but I can tell you as a guarantee it will pass. Will you still think about it in 10 years? Maybe, but in that case it won’t hurt like it does right now. Sometimes this stuff doesn’t even happen because of your communication style, it might just be people forming sub-groups and having a hivemind about people they perceive as outsiders. It happens, it sucks, it can be survived. I hope this was comforting in some way if you found this article because it happened to you.

We do have research on the fact that people perceive autistic people worse for the exact same behavior as neurotypicals (and of course I cannot for the life of me find the link to that study right now). Research is, in the most ironic and shitty way, on your side. Aka research confirms people will literally just get the wrong “vibe” from you for no reason and sometimes entire groups act on it. Trust me, not all people are like that (whether neurotypical or neurodivergent). There are people that vibe with you, that understand the way you talk or at least work WITH you about finding the best way to communicate together. There are people out there that tell you when you made them uncomfortable or upset without making it everyone’s problem. There are people who live trauma-informed and trauma-sensitive lives without even knowing it that will treat you well.

But also holy fuck dear researchers get on it so we have science even more on our side when this happens because it truly does feel like you’re being manipulative the moment you recognize that you simple got scapegoated for a trait of your autism and defend it in any capacity. Because, yes, sometimes it literally IS the autism (or other neurodivergence) and the autism can only be dialed in per person if each person is honest with you about the communication they prefer.

This was a vent and encouragement post at the same time. Conclusion is once again that people need more compassion for one another and learn to communicate and see nuances instead of right and wrong. I feel like at this point almost all my pieces end like this. I guess it’s a universal truth.

Please take good care of yourself. You’re allowed to feel sad. You’re allowed to distract yourself. This too shall pass <3

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