A quick note before we dive in: I’m now 51, and this is an article I actually wrote back when I was 45 (so it’s now six years old!). I still think there are so many valuable insights here, which is why I’m sharing it today. Word of warning - it’s a long post, around 10,000 words - but it covers the 45 things I’d learned reflecting back on my entire life at that point. I hope you enjoy it.
A few months ago I celebrated my 45th birthday, and it didn’t feel like a particularly pivotal milestone the way entering my 30s or 40s had felt. Instead it was like a little stone I tripped over on my path that made me stop and say, “Oh - is this where I am right now?” I’m now 45, and this is where I have made it.
Thankfully, I loved the view I saw around me when I stopped to take everything in. I love my work, I love my family and friends, I love my home and the city we live in. My children are now 13 and 16, so they’re at that perfect age where they’re starting to become more independent. And by this age in adulthood, we’ve been here long enough to get comfortable in our skin - proud of our strengths, more accepting of our weaknesses.
So I thought I’d take the time to note all the things I’ve learned on my journey through life so far - the good, the bad, and everything in between. When I sat down to think about this list, I had no idea what even one lesson would be.
How do you summarise all the knowledge you’ve gained after spending almost 16,500 days here on Earth? Yes, I pulled out a calculator to work that figure out, and the number truly stumped me. I’ve spent 16,500 days here on Earth, and only a couple of hundred pivotal moments have stuck clearly in my mind.
The cool thing is, I’m fully aware that I’m always still growing - I’ve never stopped growing since the day I was born. I know more today than I did yesterday, and I’m not the same person I was last year, or even earlier this year.
I am constantly evolving, ever-changing, and that’s one of the most amazing opportunities we have as humans - we can always do more, live more, and be more, when we make that our intention.
So without further ado, here are 45 things I’ve learned after being on this planet for 45 years.
It’s only fitting that we start this list with the mantra by which I live my life: life is short and time is precious. For some reason, many of us live our lives as though the opposite is true. We act as if time is unlimited, as if we have an infinite number of days left on this planet, when there’s no evidence to suggest that’s true.
We also act as if life goes on forever - as if there’s more than enough time to achieve whatever we want when, once again, there’s no evidence to back that up. It does feel long at times while we’re going through our days, but before we know it, our days have turned into weeks, which have turned into months and years.
And before you know it, you’re in your 40s and 50s and 60s, and it hurts to know you’ve wasted time and failed to grasp opportunities because you were waiting to start tomorrow - and then tomorrow never comes, because it’s always today.
This is one of those lessons many people learn later in life, once the years have already passed. You learn there’s no rewind or do-over button, that the time to grab life’s opportunities was right when it was happening, not after the fact.
But when the lesson becomes crystal clear, it’s like a lightbulb going off - suddenly you live with more intention, knowing this is it. The time to do things is now, while you still can, while you’re inspired to dream big.
I honestly believe we were all put on this Earth for a reason, and we all have something special to share with others.
For me, my gift was writing. I think I knew from the age of 12 that this gift existed inside of me, because of my strong love for books and writing. That doesn’t mean I was a great writer right from the start - it absolutely took time to refine my skills and get better through practice.
But I sincerely loved writing, and even if I wasn’t paid a cent for it, you couldn’t tear me away from my laptop, or a paper and pen, to get these words out of me.
Your gift may look completely different. If it isn’t evident to you right now, that doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist. For some it’s the gift to paint, sing, tell funny jokes, or solve problems. For others it’s the ability to communicate well, build things, or be kind and patient with children.
I can’t even begin to list the potential gifts that exist in this world, because they’re endless. Our vocational strengths can be our gifts. Our ability to be resilient, compassionate, creative, adaptable, or to love - these can be our gifts too.
Whatever the case, you have one, and even if you haven’t identified it yet, it doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist. Look deep and understand that you were put on this Earth for a reason - you are meant to be here, and your presence serves a purpose for one or many people in this world. You are needed, and you are special. The moment you understand this truth, you can use your gift to create a life you love.
As Debbi Fields once said: “We are here for a reason. We all have a gift or gifts to share. You want to look inside your heart and your soul, and you want to tap into the one thing you love to do. Develop it. Share it. Nurture it. You were meant to have that gift.”
Now that we know we’re born with gifts, we need to understand that we all also have the ability to dream.
Some of us dream bigger than others, and if something has made you dream small rather than big, I encourage you to look at what’s gotten in your way.
As Robert Kiyosaki once said, people who dream small dreams continue to live as small people - so be brave enough to dream big instead. You may be wondering how to make that shift, and the answer is simple: just decide.
Decide you want more out of life. Decide you are worthy. Decide that giving it a go and failing is better than not giving it a go at all. Just decide.
A lot of us um and ah about taking holidays. They’re expensive. We need to take time off work, or maybe even pull our kids out of school during term, to take an extended trip. But in the end, I’ve never regretted any of them. They stand out as my all-time favourite life memories, and they feel priceless to me.
My family and I have taken three summer trips to Europe, back to the island where my parents were born, since the kids were young - and each holiday was such a gift. Just being able to spend time together, away from school and work commitments and the everyday routine, having fun and relaxing instead.
My kids also had the opportunity to immerse themselves in a new culture and spend time with family they never knew they had. Each time we stressed about how we could pull it off - we saved and made sacrifices = but in the end it was so worth the investment. Those memories are worth every cent to me.
The same can be said for the trips we took as kids with our own parents. My parents worked hard throughout our childhoods, so we only ever took two big holidays while at school - one back to Croatia for almost four months, and six weeks in New Zealand with our cousins. It’s funny, looking back as an adult, to realise you don’t remember as much as you thought from those first 18 years.
But I do remember my parents seeming like different people when they were on holidays - so much nicer and happier, away from life’s day-to-day stresses.
As adults, we also had the chance to go away with them, and once again, everything felt different - we got to enjoy each other, reflect on our blessings, and feel more alive. Even though there’s an expense attached to holidays, and some sacrifice is required to make those trips happen, they are well worth the investment.
I wanted to add a lesson about travel that’s related to the previous one, but different in that I’ve realised how pivotal all my travels have been in shaping the person I am today.
As I mentioned, my parents took us on only two big holidays as kids, so I didn’t get to travel again until I was an adult and had saved my own money. I funded two and a half years of living on the island where my parents were born, and later, as a 25-year-old, went back to Europe and did all the things I’d dreamed of since I was a kid.
I sipped tea in the cafes of Paris, went on a gondola ride in Venice, danced in Barcelona, drank wine in Tuscany, caught the Tube in London, visited the palace in Monaco, scribbled my name beneath Juliet’s balcony in Verona, and allowed myself to dream big.
Even though that stretch through England, Spain, Italy, and France lasted only a few weeks, it made me realise the truth of Saint Augustine’s words: “The world is a book, and those who do not travel read only one page.”
Travel reminds you that where you live is just one tiny dot on the planet, and there exists so much more in the world - different people, cultures, languages, customs, and ways of viewing the world. I believe people should try to travel while they’re still young and able to.
We stress about the money, but somehow we can make it work, because the world is yours to explore, and experience is far more valuable than money will ever be. As Danny Kaye once said, “To travel is to take a journey into yourself.”
In the end, you won’t remember the times you spent working in your office or mopping the floor. You’ll remember the moments you stepped outside your comfort zone. Travelling gives you new eyes with which to view yourself and the world around you - and by gosh, we live in a beautiful world.
If you’ve never travelled, that’s okay - there’s still time. And if you’ve travelled in the past but aren’t in the season of life to do so right now, know that the option remains available for you in the future. '
Right now, my kids are in high school, and my daughter is coming to the end of her schooling years, where trips abroad aren’t as feasible - but that’s okay. I accept that this is simply the season we’re in now. I do hope to travel more in the future, because travel makes me feel more alive, and it opens up our eyes to the beauty of this world.
I heard this quote as a teenager, and I remember my mind almost exploding from how powerful I thought it was.
Up until then, I had held back from doing lots of things, worried about the consequences. I thought it was better to keep myself small rather than too big - better to avoid mistakes than deal with their fallout. But then one day I realised keeping myself small wasn’t really living.
It’s like living in a tight box, kidding yourself that the box is safe and comfortable, when the truth is that the security of feeling safe lives within you - so once you have it, you can step outside the box and go anywhere, because you have your own back.
Throughout my life, this has been a mantra I’ve had to repeat to myself whenever I thought something was going wrong: it’s better to do something and regret it than not do something at all.
Since then, I’ve taken chances, stepped outside my comfort zone, and tried to just live rather than avoid mistakes, avoid failure, avoid saying or doing things when my heart was secretly yearning to give it a go.
Mark Twain was so right when he said: “Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn’t do than by the ones you did. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbour. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover.”
Now it’s time to touch on a lesson I’ve learned since having kids. My kids are teenagers now, aged 13 and 16, and closer to the adult years than to newborn - so I have to say, it’s true when people say time flies past fast.
One minute they were babies, then toddlers and pre-schoolers, and the next they’re growing at the most rapid rate - suddenly taller than you, becoming more independent, not stuck to your side like in the early years. I sometimes see a mum pushing a pram and can barely remember what it was like to be in those shoes.
It feels like a lifetime ago. And while those early years sometimes feel so long ago, the later years feel like they’re on steroids - they go so fast, and before you know it, your kids are becoming mini-adults.
Eighteen summers, my friends - that’s what we have with our kids pre-adulthood, while they’re still safe and secure within our home. Even though our relationships with them will continue to grow and mature, those early days of wanting kisses and cuddles, of wanting you to read them bedtime stories or jump into bed with them - they will one day be gone.
For me, I went through a strange mourning phase once my kids were both in high school. It was hard to say goodbye to those younger years, hard to know they wouldn’t be grabbing my hand as I walked them to school anymore, hard to let go of the fact that I wouldn’t be the centre of their world anymore, because suddenly their friendship circle is more important to them - which is perfectly normal for teenagers.
The teenage years are a period where it’s expected that kids will slowly break free from their dependency on their parents as they make their way toward adulthood. But for some of us, it takes time to adjust to this change. Eighteen summers, my friend. Treasure every single one of them.
A note from 51-year-old me:
I want to add something here, because my thoughts on this one has definitely shifted in the last six years!
When I wrote this, my kids were teenagers, and “18 summers” felt like a countdown clock - something to scare us into treasuring every moment before it was gone. Now my kids are 20 and 22, and I’ve realised something I didn’t understand back then: those 18 summers ARE NOT the whole story. As long as they’re alive, I get to be part of their life - maybe not woven into every single day the way it once was, but present, still. Because parenting doesn’t end the moment your kids reach adulthood.
I think this “18 summers” quote was simply meant to remind us to treasure the years when our kids are young - and it’s true, we only get 18 of those. But there are many more summers that come after that, which we just learn to appreciate in a different way.
I’m not sure whether I’ve noted this lesson simply because it was drummed into me from an early age, or whether I would have eventually come to the same conclusion anyway. But it’s a big thing for me today - and that isn’t to say I have the perfect family, because I don’t. We’re very normal, which means we sometimes squabble and often disagree.
But in the end, we understand we’re connected to each other, and being loving means loving each other despite our differences. We make time for each other.
My parents still insist my sisters and I get together every week for a family dinner. We call each other all the time to check in. We are loyal, and we have each other’s back. My husband and I have tried to instil these same values in our kids, because if we want future generations to stay close, we need to reiterate this same message: family is everything, through thick and thin.
Yes, we may be different. Yes, we may squabble. But at the end of the day, blood is thicker than water, and just like the branches on a tree, we may grow in different directions, but our roots will always remain the same.
As Desmond Tutu once said, “You don’t choose your family. They are God’s gift to you, as you are to them.” And as Anita Baker put it: “You leave home to seek your fortune, and when you get it, you go home and share it with your family.”
The next thing I’ve learned in life is that great friends are priceless.
That doesn’t mean you have to keep the same friends you’ve had since childhood. Like the seasons in your life, friends will come and go. A true friend doesn’t have to be right by your side 24 hours a day.
Some of my best friends in the world are half the world away right now, but I feel as if their presence is right beside me - supporting me from a distance, always loving me, wishing me well.
They’re the friends you can call in the middle of the night, knowing they’ll pick up the phone when they see your name. They make life sweeter, they refresh your soul, and everything seems fine when you’re in their presence.
It doesn’t matter what else is going on in your life - the whole world could be in utter chaos, and everything would still be okay, because you’re there for them and they’re there for you.
To have a friend like that is a gift, a blessing, and something to be treasured forever. You may encounter dozens of people you love throughout your life, but if you collect even just a handful of these true friends, you’re blessed.
With them, there’s no need for pretence - you can let your hair down and say or do anything, knowing they love you for who you are, not some unicorn version of yourself that doesn’t really exist. I’m blessed to have a few priceless friendships in my life, and I hope you are too. Treasure them dearly - they’re worth their weight in gold.
I put this down as a lesson because I recently lost my auntie, and as I get older, it becomes more apparent than ever that we don’t live forever. As we age, our parents age too, and we become more conscious of our own mortality.
It hurts a lot to say goodbye to someone we love, but I now understand it’s supposed to hurt - because that’s the price we pay for love. Feeling grief is what we call “clean pain,” because it’s a natural, normal response when someone passes away, or when we experience the loss of love. We feel grief when our hearts are broken, when friendships and relationships or a life ends.
But we only feel that way because we loved deeply and with all our hearts - so in some ways, we’re blessed to have loved that deeply at all. As they say, it is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.
When I was writing this list, I decided to honour whatever ideas came to mind and just write them down, unedited - and this was the first quirky one that made me go, “Seriously? This is one of my grand life lessons?” But apparently it is - something I’d want to share with the younger people listening.
Back when I was a teenager, dreaming of a future that included a job I loved and a family of my own, it would have helped to know that the first, second, or third boy I had a crush on might be a frog instead of a prince. Looking back, this lesson is definitely true.
Sometimes you’ll like someone who isn’t right for you. Sometimes you’ll like someone who you think is right for you, yet they don’t feel the same way. None of us know when we’ll meet our future partner, but we need to be open to that experience, and open to love, for it to come our way.
I met my husband at 23, when I was least expecting it - I was living overseas with no real intention of coming back to live in Sydney at the time. But when you meet someone you think could be your prince, you need to be willing to trust the journey and see where it takes you. Trust your intuition.
Some people might need to kiss a hundred frogs before finding their one, and others may find their prince later turns back into a frog - and that’s okay too. We all have a different journey to love, and it’s part of what makes life special.
Sometimes the prince doesn’t even look like the prince you were expecting at all - just an ordinary person, in plain clothing, who catches your breath and makes your heart skip a beat.
While we’re on the topic of love, I think it’s important to mention the idea of loving yourself first. I don’t think I fully understood this concept when I was young - I think I confused loving yourself with being vain or arrogant, but that isn’t the self-love I’m advocating.
Self-love is when you have your own back, when you know you are worthy, capable, and enough. I love this quote: “If you’re searching for that one person that will change your life, take a look in the mirror.” If you have the ability to love others, love yourself first.
It isn’t selfish - it’s a priority for our own happiness and sanity. Love yourself even if you aren’t perfect, even if you make mistakes, even if you sometimes drive yourself crazy. Own your story, and love yourself as you would love your best friend.
A few questions worth sitting with:
What does self-love mean to you?
How do you get in your own way?
What are you having a hard time accepting about yourself?
How do you tend to sabotage yourself?
What do you need to forgive yourself for?
What beliefs about yourself are holding you back in life?
In the end, it all comes down to what Buddha once said: “You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection.”
I’m not sure why kids and teens stress about the idea of being different, because I think being different is one of the coolest things in the world - to be your own unique person.
Do we really want to be a replica of every other human? Kurt Cobain said it best: “They laugh at me because I am different. I laugh at them because they’re all the same.”
Did I know this lesson when I was a teen myself? Nope, I’m sure I didn’t. I’m not even sure when this lightbulb moment dropped into my life - but you can believe it was a totally freeing and liberating day for me.
This is another lesson similar to the one above, but that next step back. While it’s great to know it’s okay to be different, it’s even better when you stop caring what other people think of you. Please note - this is easier said than done. Even at 45, I sometimes still get an inkling of that old feeling, wondering what people might think about something I write or say.
That’s where I need to consciously nip the thought in the bud and remind myself it doesn’t actually matter what others think or say about me. Their thoughts are none of my business, and their opinion of me is not more important than my own opinion of me. They have their own life to lead, and I have my own path to follow.
It’s absolutely liberating when you don’t need or seek the approval of others. The people who love you will respect your decisions. The people who negatively judge don’t really matter in the end. As C. JoyBell C so wisely said, “The unhappiest people in this world are those who care the most what other people think.”
Follow your own heart, trust your intuition, listen to your inner voice, and stop people-pleasing. The moment you stop caring what other people think is the moment you free yourself from self-imposed shackles and the fear of judgement, and start being your true self.
Now for a not-so-nice lesson: not everyone in this world will behave as nicely as you. We set ourselves up for disappointment when we expect others to have the same manners, compassion, and understanding as we do.
The truth is, some people are on a different path in their life, brought up with different expectations, carrying different values and personalities that clash with ours but work well with others.
The sooner we accept this will always be the case, the sooner we can appreciate those who are on the same wavelength as us, and become more tolerant of those who are ruder or more judgemental and dismissive - because that’s the baggage they’re carrying, and it has nothing to do with us.
This is another tricky lesson to accept, because it means acknowledging the part you play in how people treat you. But the truth is, you do teach people how to treat you, by what you allow, what you accept, what you stop, and what you reinforce in your relationships.
If someone speaks rudely to you, you can either let it slip - which teaches that person this is okay - or you can say: “Hang on, you might talk to other people this way, but I won’t tolerate it. If you continue, I can’t hang out with you,” and walk away, every time, until it sinks in that this behaviour is not acceptable to you.
Another important thing to remember: the way you treat yourself sets the standard for how others treat you. So ask yourself - how do you treat yourself? Do you speak about yourself with love, or do you put yourself down? Are you your own cheerleader, or your own worst critic? Don’t just be good to others - be good to yourself.
If you aren’t good to yourself, how can you expect others to be good to you? And be mindful not to mirror other people’s terrible behaviour - instead of treating people the way they treat you, teach them how to treat you. Be a living example of the good you want to see in this world.
Building on the last lesson, it’s important that you learn to set boundaries. Anna Taylor said it best:
“Love yourself enough to set boundaries. Your time and energy are precious. You get to choose how you use it. You teach people how to treat you by deciding what you will and won’t accept.”
Setting boundaries is another healthy way of showing self-love. It means you speak up when you’re mistreated, say what you think, and say no when you want to say no. You don’t play the role of a victim - you decide your limits, and make sure anyone in your life respects them too.
As Crystal Andrus once said: “Do not justify, apologise for, or rationalise the healthy boundary you are setting. Do not argue. Just set the boundary calmly, firmly, clearly, and respectfully.”
I could talk on and on about the value of forgiveness, but here’s all you really need to know: when you forgive someone, it’s something you do for yourself.
Many people think forgiveness is something we do for others, without realising the person who benefits most from the act of forgiving is you. Forgiveness is the conscious, deliberate choice to let go of anger and bitterness toward another person or situation.
It doesn’t mean pretending the bad thing never happened. It doesn’t mean you have to be best friends with the person who wronged you, or feel lovey-dovey toward them. You may never see that person again, even though you’ve chosen to forgive them.
It simply means you’re choosing to release the negative emotion attached to that past grievance, so you can finally allow yourself to heal. Forgiveness sets you free - it allows you to let go of resentment, anger, or guilt about what you could have done differently, and to move on.
It means that past event no longer holds power over you. Forgiveness, in a nutshell, gives you true freedom, and even though it can’t erase or change the past, it does give you hope for the future.
This lesson is a simple one: there is so much value in being open to life’s opportunities. Be open to learning. Be open to making mistakes. Be open to other people’s opinions. Be open to being wrong. Be open to life.
Be open to love. Be open to trying new things. Be open to the fact that you could be terrible at those things. Be open to change. Be open to yourself and loved ones. Be open to whatever comes next. Simply - be open.
This is a tricky lesson that requires some balance. What I’ve learned is that it’s fun to enjoy life while you’re still young - I lived overseas for a few years with my sisters and friends, and I wouldn’t trade those memories for anything. But I was only able to do that because I worked part-time and diligently saved my money while still at school.
We continue to make the same decisions about how we spend our time and money as young adults. It’s great to earn an income once you leave school, but without a plan for the future, it’s easy to spend it all on clothes, going out, and takeaway, and have nothing to show for it at the end of each week - and if we do that week after week, we might end up nearing our 30s with lots of fun, transient memories, but an empty bank account.
We need to balance our desire to enjoy our youth with creating a plan for the future - whether that involves buying a home or other goals requiring some sacrifice.
Have fun along the way, but always keep in mind what you’d like to create in your future, because many of those stepping stones are laid earlier in life, and will require some sacrifice of time, money, and energy.
You may have been wondering when I’d get to this lesson - here it is. In case you hadn’t worked it out yet, it’s harder to enjoy life when you’re not in good health.
To achieve good health inside and out, we need to take care of our bodies, feed them well, nourish them with nutrients, keep them moving, drink plenty of water, and consistently get a good night’s sleep. Take care of your body, my friend - it’s the only place you’ll ever live.
Not everyone will agree with me on this one, but I’ve always abided by the philosophy that everyone makes mistakes, and everyone deserves a second chance.
I’m not saying you should give people a third, fourth, or fifth chance if they’ve hurt or betrayed you repeatedly - but I like to give people the benefit of the doubt, a chance to correct their errors if they sincerely want to make amends.
You need to trust your gut here. I’d override this lesson if my intuition was screaming at me to stay away - but a second chance, I can give, if I feel there’s still something worth salvaging in that friendship.
When I was younger, I don’t think I particularly cared for change. I liked things predictable and familiar. But then I discovered that change is a constant, and progress is impossible without it.
To fully experience life, you need to be willing to go with the flow, to embrace each season as it comes, instead of getting angry that the season changed. It’s a waste of energy to fight what is and always will be.
As Lao Tzu so wisely said: “Life is a series of natural and spontaneous changes. Don’t resist them - that only creates sorrow. Let reality be reality. Let things flow naturally forward in whatever way they like.”
I’m not entirely sure when I became best friends with my intuition, but I believe it was later in life. When I was young, I probably heard it whispering to me all the time, but I ignored it, thinking the opinions of my family and friends mattered more than anything my soul had to say.
As I got older and wiser, I discovered that out of everyone in this world, my intuition knows and loves me best, and anything it shares is given with my best interests at heart.
As the supermodel Gisele Bündchen once said, “The more you trust your intuition, the more empowered you become, the stronger you become, and the happier you become.” Sometimes it might not even make sense to you, but you don’t need to explain or justify your feelings to anyone else.
That inner voice speaks to you because it loves you, and it’s wiser and more powerful than anything your brain can logically explain.
Have the courage to trust your intuition, my friend. Follow its lead - let it show you the way, as it will take you down the right path. Your intuition knows your true power and what you’re meant to become, so trust this precious gift rather than ignoring it.
This lesson stems from the quote: you are free to make whatever choice you want, but you are not free from the consequences of that choice. There’s always a consequence to every action you take, so before you act, make sure you’re prepared for them.
Your whole life is a product of the choices you make - pick action A and it takes you in one direction, pick action B and it takes you in another.
I love pairing this with the previous lesson on trusting your intuition, because it takes away the anxiety that sometimes comes with decision-making. Sometimes all you can do is what feels best in the current moment.
When you make a choice, you need to accept responsibility for it - both the good and the bad. Every decision usually includes gaining something while losing something else, but that’s okay. Own the decision you’ve made, trust it was right for you at the time, and accept whatever the consequences are, instead of pointing fingers at someone else.
This lesson has a funny story attached to it. I learned this tip from a friend one day while shopping as teens. I was standing in front of the mirror, umming and ahhing about whether to buy a dress I’d tried on, when my friend said: “When in doubt, don’t. Don’t buy it. Put it back. If you still love it, you can always come back and get it. But if you really, really loved it, your decision would have already been made, and you’d be taking it straight to the counter to pay.”
All these years later, this phrase still pops up for me whenever I’m unsure about buying something. When in doubt, don’t. It’s never let me down once, and I imagine it’s saved me a lot of money over the years.
Now for a fun lesson that’s true nonetheless: wearing clothes you love makes you feel great. Even though this might seem obvious, I had to re-learn it myself during quarantine, when I started swapping my nicer outfits for what I called my “daytime version of PJs” while working from home.
I thought, “This is so cool, no one will see me, so I can stay in leggings and a sweater all day and no one can say anything, because I’m my own boss.” But what you wear actually impacts how you feel - which isn’t to say there’s anything wrong with leggings and a sweater, but if you wear them day in, day out, and they make you feel blah, it’s time to ditch that choice.
As Judith Rasband put it, “The way we dress affects the way we think, the way we feel, the way we act, and the way others react to us.” And Linda Grant: “The clothes you wear are a metamorphosis. They change you from the outside in.”
It all comes down to wearing what you - and you alone - love. For me it’s dresses and anything comfortable yet pretty. We all have a different style, so choose whatever clothes make you feel good about yourself.
It’s the same amount of time and effort to reach for something crappy versus something special, so choose wisely, and think about how your clothes make you feel.
When it comes to getting ready for the day, keep in mind that many of the things that make us feel good don’t require much time at all - applying lip gloss, spritzing on your favourite perfume. Little things that, for whatever reason, can have a big impact on your mood.
We actually learn this lesson early in life, when our parents tell us, “You get what you get and you don’t get upset.” Sometimes you’ll wish for things that are just not part of your greater plan, and you don’t get them.
Sometimes you’ll work hard for something and it’s still not meant to be. Sometimes someone else gets the very thing you were hoping for, and there’s nothing you can do about it.
I believe in divine timing - the philosophy that we get what we need, not necessarily what we want. This is where it’s important to have faith and trust in this world and its plan for you.
Trust that everything is happening at the right time and place for you, even though it may not look exactly like the picture you envisioned.
Sometimes things simply weren’t meant to be. Sometimes they’re meant to be, just not at the time you were hoping. Have faith, and know that your life is unfolding exactly the way it was meant to.
I’ve found flexibility is one of the keys to happiness. As Bruce Lee once said, “The stiffest tree is most easily cracked, while the bamboo or willow survives by bending with the wind.” Flexibility is another way of saying going with the flow - it means you might have expected Plan A, but instead need Plan B.
It gives you more choices; it means understanding you have more than one path you could follow, and sometimes we need to swerve left or right rather than going straight ahead.
It requires an open mind and being open to change. You might need to head down roads you weren’t expecting, and find they lead somewhere just as beautiful as where you thought you were going. Flexibility requires being fine with these detours, because ultimately they serve you best.
Not many people know this, but on my wedding band I had just two words engraved: BE KIND. Someone once told me that if everyone was just a little kinder, the world would be a nicer place to live in. It’s such basic advice, but how true is it?
Kindness, in my opinion, is one of the most underrated character traits. We often comment when people are honest, driven, passionate, determined, or intelligent - but how often do you see someone include “I’m kind” on their resume? Almost never.
It really isn’t hard to be kinder to others. Kindness usually requires so little of your time - it’s basically free - yet it has the power to change the world and impact an individual’s life.
Sometimes you won’t even know the lasting impact your kind words and actions have had on someone else, but they can remain imprinted on their mind forever. I’ve never forgotten the kindness of others, and it reminds me just how beautiful the world can really be. It’s so simple. Just be kind.
It takes a while for most people to learn this, because when we’re younger we think more is more - more money, more friends, more trophies, more gadgets, more possessions equalling a more fulfilling life. But that isn’t always the case. What I’ve discovered as I’ve gotten older is that sometimes you actually need to remove things from your life to be happier.
For me, less stress, less clutter, less chaos, less superficial friendships, fewer scheduled activities, fewer obligations, and less drama has equalled so much more happiness, calm, and peace.
Not everyone desires a simpler life - you may love collecting things and having a jam-packed diary, and that’s fine too. But for me, as I’ve gotten older, I’ve made it my priority to remove what I don’t really need, to make room for appreciating and enjoying what remains - the things I truly treasure most in life.
Anyone who knows me well probably expected this lesson to turn up somewhere on this list, because I’m always saying it: patience is a virtue.
Now, when I speak about patience, I don’t mean just being patient while waiting in a queue - this relates more to the big goals in your life, and having the calm acceptance that things might happen in a different order, or on a different timeline, than the one you have in mind.
As Joyce Meyer once said, “Patience is not the ability to wait, but the ability to keep a good attitude while waiting.”
Most goals aren’t achieved overnight. You need to sow the seeds of that dream and wait some time before you see the first signs of harvest. The day you plant the seed is not the day you eat the fruit. If you’re naturally an impatient person, this may be tough at first - but life will teach you this lesson over time.
It’s about understanding that things unfold in their own time, and accepting that waiting is part of the process of reaching your goals. It requires faith, trust, and a never-give-up attitude. It’s like a muscle you need to keep practising and exercising for it to get stronger.
Patience doesn’t mean sitting idly, waiting for something to happen - it means actively believing it will happen eventually, at the right time and in the right way.
When I was younger, I used to actively try to avoid pain and discomfort - hurt, rejection, feeling embarrassed, scared, or vulnerable. But I’ve learned over time that when that feeling comes, it doesn’t last forever. It’s transient - it passes through you and slides away the moment you let it go.
If there’s something you’re avoiding because you think it might be uncomfortable, know that discomfort doesn’t last forever. Think about something embarrassing that happened to you as a kid.
For me, it’s the time my mum made me wear a skivvy underneath my summer dress when I was around 9, going to a friend’s birthday party. I was mortified - I wanted to wear the new dress, but the price was also wearing that skivvy underneath.
It ended up being a warm day, so I sweated through the whole party. I still have a photo where I look totally miserable - but I don’t walk around annoyed at my mum for it anymore. With the passage of time, I can have a giggle about it now.
Chances are, you too have gotten over temporary feelings of discomfort. Those feelings may last minutes, hours, or days, but eventually your mind processes it and realises it really wasn’t as bad as it seemed. You survived it, grew stronger, realised you’re as tough as nails.
Knowing in advance that pain and discomfort are temporary means you don’t fear them as much, because you really can survive anything that comes your way.
I’ll keep this one short and sweet, because the title really says it all. Most of the things we worry about don’t happen. Period. Yet we waste so much mental energy focused on what could possibly happen, rather than dealing with the here and now - which, for the most part, is where everything is fine. Right this second, right this moment, you can deal with everything that comes your way.
Sacrifice might seem like a terrible word to some, but I view it as a great thing if it takes you one step closer to your dreams. Nothing great was ever accomplished without making sacrifices, my friend. You’ll need to give up some things to achieve the rewards you’re after.
The first step is deciding what you’re willing to give up in the name of that dream - maybe it’s time, maybe it’s money invested in your education, maybe it’s going out less so you can stay home and work on your goals.
You may need to sacrifice bad habits, weaknesses, and comforts. In the end, if you don’t sacrifice something for what you want, what you want will become the thing you sacrifice.
I should preface this by saying I’ve never been a big drinker, and I’m happy to be the designated driver whenever the situation calls for it. But many people believe a night out without drinking can’t be fun, or that you need to drink to have a great night - and this couldn’t be further from the truth.
Fun comes from your attitude and willingness to have fun. It comes from dancing to music you love, hanging out with people you love, and enjoying a great laugh. It comes from leaving your stresses and worries at home and giving yourself permission to just enjoy life and the company you’re with.
You don’t need to alter your state of mind with alcohol to make these things happen - even if everyone around you is drinking, that doesn’t mean you need to.
This isn’t to say I judge anyone who likes to drink - I have plenty of friends who do, and I’ll still enjoy a beer on occasion. But it isn’t with the assumption that I need to drink to have fun. This lesson is about breaking down the connection between alcohol and fun, because the two are quite separate things.
A person can drink and be miserable, and not drink and have the best night ever - which is great news for anyone wanting to minimise the amount they drink but worried it’ll cut into their fun. To have fun, just create fun, and be fun.
I can’t tell you how much grief I’ve seen come from the expectation that people can read your mind and know exactly what you’re thinking and feeling - myself included. We think someone should intuitively know what we want or need, without us actually opening our mouths to say it. But that’s not how it works.
While it would be a cool superpower to have, none of us can read other people’s minds. We can guess based on previous encounters, but given that humans have around 60,000 thoughts a day, there’s a good chance we’ll make the wrong assumption.
And let’s be honest - sometimes we don’t even know what we want ourselves. If you want something specific, say it out loud. If you’re thinking something that needs to be said, say it out loud. No one in this world will ever be able to read your mind, so the only way they’ll know what you’re thinking is if you clearly and concisely share it with them.
Following on from the last lesson, I’ve discovered that sometimes it really is best to bite your tongue. This rule doesn’t apply if you feel strongly about speaking your mind on an issue close to your heart - it applies instead to all the little things that frustrate you throughout the day.
As the proverb says, “Whoever watches his mouth and tongue keeps himself from trouble.” I’d add: and doesn’t say things he later regrets.
We often forget that words have power. Another proverb worth remembering: “Words kill, words give life - they’re either poison or fruit, you choose.” If something isn’t helping the situation, do you need to add your two cents?
If it’s honest but not kind, is it really necessary? Are your words uplifting someone, or bringing them down? Are you building bridges, or tearing them down? In a nutshell, your words have the power to heal or destroy, so choose them wisely.
Maybe you’ve always known this to be true, but I always feel like a genius when I use this strategy to break down my bigger goals. At the outset, big goals are overwhelming - enough to scare you from ever trying. But as they say, how do you eat an elephant? Piece by piece.
I’ve used this baby-steps strategy to write over 20 books, create more than a dozen courses, and build four blogs, just by taking tiny steps. As Chris Gardner once said, “Baby steps count, as long as you are going forward.” You add them all up, and one day you’ll look back and be surprised at where you’ve gotten to.
Even the smallest actions are steps in the right direction, once you’ve given thought to what you need to do. Outrageous goals plus baby steps equal a recipe for success. You don’t need to worry about what’s five steps ahead just yet - focus on one step at a time.
When I’m writing a book, I don’t worry about chapter 10 while I’m working on chapter 1, and I don’t stress about editing or the cover while I’m still writing. One step at a time - and all you need to do is keep moving forward, like the tortoise who won the race while the hare slept beneath the shady trees, thinking he had all the time in the world.
If you stick to this strategy consistently, this quote by Earl Nightingale will ring true: “Never give up on a dream just because of the time it will take to accomplish it. The time will pass anyway.” So why not use that time to get to your goals, by taking baby steps every day.
If someone young is listening to this, they might freak out at the idea of continuing to study - but here’s the good news: you don’t have to do anything you don’t want to in your life.
If you never want to read a book again after school, you don’t have to. If you want to keep your mind closed to new information, that’s a choice you can make. Plenty of people have closed themselves off to learning, so you wouldn’t necessarily be alone.
But what I’ve found, at my age, is that the moment you stop learning is the moment you stop growing. As Albert Einstein once said, “Once you stop learning, you start dying.” Learning keeps my mind active - like a sponge, it’s keen to soak it all in. There’s always more to learn, and if you’re open to it, life is a never-ending journey of discovery.
Even Michelangelo, at age 87, said, “I am still learning.” It reminds me of Socrates’ famous line: “All I know is I know nothing.” The older I get, and the more I learn, the more I discover I actually know less than I previously assumed.
Even Socrates, considered wise by his peers, understood that no matter how much knowledge one individual obtains, it’s just a tiny fraction of what’s available in this world.
I know I haven’t even begun to tap into everything I could learn, but I know I’ll continue to learn and grow as long as I’m here on Earth. Knowledge is power, but it’s only truly useful when you put it into practice. And if you’re not willing to learn, no one can help you. But if you’re determined to learn, no one can stop you.
Oh my gosh, I wish they taught this to kids at school. For me, it hit home when I heard these Bon Jovi lyrics, from their song “I Believe”: “Don’t look up on your movie screens, in record stores or magazines. Close your eyes and you will see that you are all you really need.”
I’m a massive Bon Jovi fan - they’re by far my favourite band - and those words from this lesser-known song are etched into my brain. They taught me to stop comparing myself to others.
This is my life I’m living. I’m never going to wake up in someone else’s shoes, never going to have different parents, be a different height, look completely different, or have a wildly different personality. This is me - who I am - and it’s up to me to make the best of the cards I’ve been given. More importantly, I need to learn to love myself, flaws and all.
Comparison is seriously the fastest way to feel unhappy. As Theodore Roosevelt once said, “Comparison is the thief of joy.” Bryant McGill also noted that comparison is always the beginning of the death of self-love. So do your best to refrain from comparing yourself to others.
If you have to compare yourself to anyone, compare yourself to who you were, and who you want to become - and get to work on making it happen.
Even though I’ve already mentioned that not everyone in this world will be as nice as you, that doesn’t mean we can’t assume the best from people. I’ve found this works best for me, because when you look for the good, you’ll usually find some good, and when you look for the bad, you’ll usually find some bad. Why not assume the best from people rather than the worst?
You can assume people are doing their best, even if that version of best looks different from your own idea. You can choose to look at them without judgement, give them the benefit of the doubt.
This doesn’t mean you’ll never be disappointed by others - chances are you will be. But holding this philosophy, especially with family and friends, sets a more optimistic scene.
Your interactions are more likely to be positive when they come from love and a desire to understand, rather than defensiveness. And I’d personally rather assume the best of people and be wrong, than assume the worst of people and be wrong about that.
I could talk on and on about the importance of feeling the fear and doing it anyway, but when I heard this quote last year, my mind exploded from the wisdom it held.
The sad truth is, most of us will never know what’s on the other side of fear, because we’re too scared, too timid, too nervous, too anxious, or too lazy to step outside our comfort zone.
We let fear hold us back - scared of what lies on the other side, even if it’s the most amazing version of ourselves. What if everything you want really is on the other side of fear? What if you kept moving forward, despite the fear you feel inside? Fear is an emotion that keeps us stuck and robs us of the opportunities that lie in our future.
I’ve found that when I look fear in the face and decide to take action despite it, it simply disappears - I realise it wasn’t some terrible monster holding me back. Only I can hold myself back. Only I can move myself forward, because fear is just a state of mind, nothing more and nothing less.
As W. Clement Stone once said, “Thinking will not overcome fear, only action will.” Action always cures fear, so I encourage you to tap into the courage sitting inside you, waiting to be embraced every day of your life. Courage doesn’t mean you don’t get afraid - courage means you don’t let that fear stop you.
I still struggle with this one, and it’s a lesson I need to remind myself of regularly - because while it’s true, we don’t always like to face it. Even though we may think we’re right, it doesn’t mean other people will always agree with us.
So much of what we believe is coloured by our own experiences, beliefs, and values. We think we’re right, and the other person thinks they’re right - what if we’re both right in our own way?
We need to remember that humans have free agency and free will, and we’re all entitled to our own opinions. It doesn’t matter how strongly you feel about something, even if there are “facts” to back you up - someone else could find facts to back up their own opinions and beliefs too. We need to be open to the possibility that we could be wrong about some things.
What would it feel like to admit you could be wrong? Why are we so attached to needing to feel right all the time? Could we just agree to disagree instead? Our version of reality is coloured by the expectations we hold about this world. Our right could be someone else’s wrong - and guess what, that’s okay.
Part of being a healthy, functioning human is understanding that we could sometimes be wrong in the eyes of others, and no amount of rationalising, explaining, or justifying will make our truth their truth too. So be brave enough to accept this lesson - that we could be wrong sometimes.
There’s nothing wrong with admitting you made a mistake, that you’ve discovered evidence showing things in a different light, or that there are multiple ways of viewing the same scenario.
I don’t think I really believed it when I was young, hearing older people say, “Oh, I feel so young inside.” But now that I’m officially middle-aged - I think most people would agree 45 counts - I know this is true.
Inside, you still feel young even though you’re wiser. Even though I don’t look like a teenager anymore, I can still vividly remember some of those feelings from high school.
I still sometimes feel 20-something inside, even though decades have passed. And I imagine that as I get older, though my body might change, my mind and soul will continue to feel young at heart, as though suspended in time.
The only times I’ve ever felt old are when I’ve temporarily stopped learning, and therefore stopped growing - but age itself is just a number. I’ve met people who are young but seem old and rigid in their thinking, and older people who are so young at heart. That really is because age is just a number.
How we feel inside isn’t always reflected in how we look on the outside, and this becomes more evident the more years pass. Other people in this world feel exactly the same way as you. Their passage through time may grant them wisdom they didn’t have in their earlier years, but inside, they may still hold onto that feeling of eternal youth, tightly, for the rest of their years on Earth.
And so there you have it - 45 lessons I’ve learned in my first 45 years of life.
Quick summary:
Life is short and time is precious
We all have a special gift
Your dreams don’t just fall into your lap
Holidays are worth the investment
Travel opens your eyes to the beauty of the world around us
It’s better to do something and regret it than regret not doing it at all
It’s true what they say - you only have 18 summers with your kids
Family is everything
Great friends are priceless
Grief is the price we pay for love
You may have to kiss a few frogs before you find your prince
Love yourself first
It’s okay to be different
Stop caring what other people think
Not everyone you meet will be as nice as you
You teach people how to treat you
Set clear boundaries
Forgiveness is a gift you give to yourself
Be open
Enjoy your youth but plan for the future
Good health is your greatest wealth
People deserve a second chance
Change is inevitable
Trust your intuition
Everything has a consequence
When in doubt, don’t
You feel better wearing an outfit you love
You don’t always get what you wish for
Flexibility will save you a lot of grief
It’s not hard to be kind
Less is more
Patience is a virtue
Pain and discomfort is temporary
Most of the things we worry about don’t happen
Some sacrifice is necessary in life
You don’t need alcohol to have fun
People aren’t mind-readers
Sometimes it’s best to bite your tongue
The secret to getting things done is taking baby steps
There’s always more to know, so never stop learning
Life is easier when you stop comparing yourself to others
Assume the best from people
Everything you want is on the other side of fear
We aren’t always right, even when we think we are right
Age is just a number
I’m sure I could have added plenty more life lessons to this list - it’s not a definitive summary of everything I’ve learned. These were simply the first 45 that came to mind, and as I keep learning and growing through life, I know I’ll have so much more to add in the future.
With love,
Frances xxx
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After graduating with a degree in psychology and launching my life coaching business back in 2001, I’ve spent the last two decades helping women think better, achieve their dreamy goals and actually savour their one precious life.
In 2018 I launched InspiringMomLife.com, which has since welcomed over 10 million readers.
I’m also the author of 25+ books and creator of 100+ digital courses designed to help women achieve meaningful goals without sacrificing their soul or sanity in the process.
You can explore them all inside Inspiring Life Academy.
These days I live in Sydney, Australia with my husband, kids, dogs, and a never-ending stack of books within reach.
My hope for this space is simple. It’s to help you:
Wake up, do what matters and savour it all.
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