once you're nothing, you can be anything

I used to feel like I had a very clear idea of who I am and who I am meant to become, but lately it feels like I’m losing my grasp on any and all ideas of what the shape of my being is.

And it doesn’t frustrate or worry me. To be honest, it brings me some kind of peace, in a weird way. I feel free, not having to decide anything. We start performing or trying to define ourselves only when we place our consciousness on being perceived. But if there’s no one watching, we don’t have to be anyone but ourselves. We can allow ourselves to simply exist.

We are beings that are meant to grow, and anything that is in the process of growing cannot simultaneously be in a state of absoluteness.

I am rotting and I am blossoming at the same time.

Contradictions are at the heart of being human and we will always find ourselves navigating the in betweens.

Lately, I have been feeling emptiness, like a seed, growing inside my life. People and things falling away like leaves from a tree, making space for more emptiness. The more I grow, the emptier my life gets. My initial reaction was anxiety and loneliness but over time, I have grown to love all this space around me.

Imagine this, there’s a lush forest and at the heart of it, I have created a soft clearing and I lay in the middle of it. Peaceful and grateful.

To receive anything, I have to first empty my hands.

I feel like my edges are getting softer and my being has become more porous. I feel life flowing into my being, and I see myself, my essence, reflected in things around me - in flowers and in rocks, clouds and strangers, and it brings me a lot of joy.

I see myself everywhere.

You know how in school, we read about these very unique creatures. Like the one organism with a single cell. And maybe there was one that has no boundaries? Because that’s how I feel.

And that’s so interesting to me, because I also read somewhere that, on a cellular level, we are vibrating - our cells are vibrating - and they are interacting with the environment around us. We are far more porous than we imagine. This body is not as solid and as rigid as it seems to us. We’re not packed inside this enclosure.

We are flowing into the world and the world is flowing into us.

And I think it’s so beautiful.

It makes me love myself and love life even more. It makes me want to live more and become one with the world and with life. I want to eat all the fruits this summer, make the lamp that I cannot find anywhere, rewatch my favourite movies and keep sharing all of the beauty that I have gathered. All this while not being able to answer who or what I am. Do you see how silly it seems to try and contain ourselves in words when we are home to the infinite vastness of the Universe.

Once there’s nothing left to hold onto, perhaps we will finally have room to become everything.

I can spend the rest of my life not trying to find an answer to who I am

and simply focus on living my one wild and precious life.