Stop “Should-ing” Yourself: The Psychology of Self-Motivation

This story was written by Wendi Gordon and curated by Dr Mehmet Yildiz for the subcribers of Illumination Writing and Reading Academy. You can learn about Wendi’s background from this interview and her landing page.

Most of us carry around mental lists of things we think we should do. We tell ourselves we should exercise more often, eat healthier foods, spend more time outdoors, or take other actions that would be beneficial. Unfortunately, telling ourselves we should do something does not make us any more likely to actually do it.

I know that from personal experience. Over the years, I’ve made many lists of things I should do, failed to do those things, and then beat myself up for not doing them. So I have plenty of evidence that this approach doesn’t work for me, but what leads me to believe it doesn’t work for others?

Mental health professionals have noted that thinking we should do something is not only ineffective but also harmful.

Dr. Albert Ellis was one of the first psychologists to point out the harm that thinking you should do something can cause. How To Stubbornly Refuse To Make Yourself Miserable About Anything — Yes, Anything! is one of his many books about the negative effects of that thinking on our emotions. In that book, Ellis wrote:

“You almost always bring on your emotional problems by rigidly adopting one of the basic methods of crooked thinking — musturbation. Therefore, if you understand how you upset yourself by slipping into irrational shoulds, oughts, demands, and commands, unconsciously sneaking them into your thinking, you can just about always stop disturbing yourself about anything.”

You may wonder why it is irrational and harmful to think we should do something positive like exercise more often. The answer is that telling ourselves we should do something usually makes us less likely to actually do it. We then feel ashamed of ourselves for not doing it. I have found this to be true in my own life. I can’t think of a single instance when telling myself what I should do had the desired result. Constantly telling myself I should exercise more did not lead to an increase in how often I exercised. Instead of motivating me, my “should” statement just reinforced my feelings of inadequacy and made me feel worse.

Has telling yourself you should do something ever helped you accomplish a goal? I doubt it. We tend to believe that if we constantly remind ourselves of what we should do we will pressure ourselves into actually doing it, but that rarely happens.

Reason 1: Should implies obligation. We view the items on our list of shoulds as unpleasant tasks we don’t really want to do but think we must. We naturally try to avoid doing things we don’t enjoy and choose more fun activities instead.

Reason 2: Should reminds us of our failures. Telling ourselves we should do something reminds us that we aren’t currently doing what we think we should be. We feel bad because we have failed to do what we told ourselves we should.

As psychologist Dr. Allison Niebes-Davis writes:

“Should is one of the most dangerous words in your vocabulary, and it does a number on your mental health. … The word ‘should’ contributes to enormous amounts of shame. It leads to discouragement and despair. Should statements highlight and exacerbate feelings of inadequacy and feeling less than. Similarly, should statements contribute to you feeling broken and defective, wondering what’s wrong with you.”

That has certainly been my experience. I get discouraged and start to believe that because I haven’t done what I think I should yet, I never will. I question whether I am even capable of doing it and beat myself up for my failure to act.

Can you relate? How do you feel when you tell yourself you should do something and then fail to do it? My guess is you feel dissatisfied with yourself and your life. I know I do.

If telling ourselves what we should do does not help us achieve our goals, how can we stop doing it? What can we do instead to feel better about our life now and become more likely to achieve our goals? Here’s what I’ve learned to do.

First, we must understand why we do this. It is usually because we believe that if we don’t push ourselves we won’t accomplish something. As an article in Psychology Today notes, “we have been taught, mistakenly, that if we don’t ‘should’ ourselves into action, we will become like those giant sloths that hang on trees—inert.”

Once we understand why we create mental lists of “shoulds” and realize that “shoulding” on ourselves doesn’t work, the next step is to figure out whether each item on our list of “shoulds” reflects a goal that truly matters to us. Some may be things we’ve been led to believe we are supposed to want but do not actually desire.

Our families, friends, advertisements, social media, and the values emphasized in our country all influence us. They help shape our beliefs about what we should want and strive to achieve. As the Psychology Today article quoted above points out, “We know who we are supposed to be, but not who we are.”

For instance, I sometimes catch myself thinking I should have a traditional full-time job. I was raised to believe that is the way to be a responsible and successful adult. Our society also measures success in terms of our career advancement and how much money we make. A person’s “net worth” refers solely to their wealth, not how kind they are or what they do to make the world a better place.

I don’t want a “real” job, though, no matter how well it pays. As I told a friend recently, I don’t have the right personality to “be a mindless corporate drone blindly obeying orders when I can see there’s clearly a better way to do things.”

My values include listening to people and genuinely trying to help them. To me, people are more important than profits, and I’m not willing to work for an employer who doesn’t share that belief. That is why my current work includes freelance writing and tutoring children. Soon I will also be taking calls from stressed-out workers who need a safe person to talk with about what is happening in their lives and how they feel about it.

I realized the thought that I should have a full-time job was based on other people’s expectations rather than what I wanted. That made it much easier to let go of that “should” and embrace ways of generating income that reflect my own values instead.

I encourage you to spend some time reflecting on how your authentic values and preferences compare to what you’ve been told you’re supposed to value and desire. You probably have some “shoulds” that reflect the expectations of others and not what you truly want.

Once you recognize them and see that they do not align with your deepest beliefs and desires, I think you will find it relatively easy to stop telling yourself you should do those things. You will naturally want to shift your focus to the things that are most important to you.

What about the “shoulds” we have about goals that do reflect our deepest desires and personal values? If telling ourselves we should do those things doesn’t motivate us to do them, what does?

The answer is surprisingly simple: change your “should” statements into personal preferences.

For example, instead of telling yourself you should exercise more, try telling yourself “I would like to exercise more.” Change “I should be more successful by now” to “I would prefer to be more successful at this point in my life.”

If you don’t believe that will make any difference, try it and see. You might be amazed by the results!

When I stopped telling myself I should go for a walk and started saying, “I want to walk because I feel better when I do,” I went from walking one or two days a week to almost every day.

Whatever your personal “shoulds” are, see what happens when you change them into positive statements about what you want. You will probably discover, as I have, that you no longer feel bad about yourself for not doing what you think you should. Instead, you feel inspired to take the actions necessary to achieve your goals.

Telling ourselves what we should do isn’t likely to help us achieve our goals. It usually has the opposite effect. We try to avoid the unpleasant tasks we think we must force ourselves to do, then feel bad when we don’t do them.

I know that is true for me, yet I still catch myself doing it. It’s getting easier for me to identify and challenge my should statements now that I realize how harmful they are, but I suspect that will be a lifelong struggle for me.

It’s hard work, but we can recognize and choose to eliminate should statements that are expectations others have placed on us. We can change our remaining “shoulds” into positive expressions of our desires.

Telling ourselves what we want to do instead of what we think we should do is a simple but powerful mental shift. It has made a huge difference in my life.

I think you will find that the time and effort it takes to get clear about what you truly want and rephrase your “shoulds” as personal preferences is well worth it. That simple mental shift could lead to remarkable changes in your life. Try it and see how much better you feel. Discover what you can accomplish when you stop “shoulding” all over yourself!

I share information, practices, and resources that have helped me and others improve our mental health in my “Changing Lives” blog/podcast on Substack. I also do private coaching, lead groups, and support people in other ways; DM me on Substack or LinkedIn to discuss how I can help you or your organization.

Disclaimer: I am not a licensed medical or mental health professional. The content I provide is for informational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, and/or treatment. Always seek the advice of qualified medical or mental health professionals. If you are experiencing a medical or mental health emergency, call 911 or 988 (National Suicide and Crisis Lifeline; also has 24/7 text and chat).

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