Spring Silence

Spring is the air.

And I am finding myself with very little to say. I spend a long time sitting in front of blank screens unable to produce — even things that I usually find easy to write I have been prying from my fingers like splinters.

The crocuses are rising from the ground. Outside the hum of the landscaper’s big form lawnmower and the smell of mulch as they prep my lawn for the gleeful return of ants. So many ants. Soon the pool will open. I have heard the frogs in the woods demanding that happen right away. In time, fellas, I will be outside trying to shoo you away while my dogs stand impotent in a circle around you, barking at your impudence.

This quarter has been extraordinarily busy in some ways and extraordinarily quiet in others. Work bloomed, so many opportunities and things to do. But on the same token I spent so many quiet nights just me and the flicker of the fireplace - reading, watching movies, watching shows, consuming. I am a blood filled tick of pop culture waiting to burst.

But ….I have nothing much to say. And when I think about it I think the reason this is true is because I have been leaning into the idea that humans aren’t made to produce so much as to be. To connect. To feed self and others and then lay back down for a rest.

I spent much of the first half of my life striving but now, in my 50’s, I am far less interested in that — I achieve so I can remain stable. I work so I can eat. I don’t really want to do the things that I don’t really want to do anymore.

I haven’t had a problem with saying no in some time. No flows off my tongue. My problem is that sometimes I say yes and later realize that my yes was temporary. In the moment yes I wanted to do this thing. But when the time comes to do the thing NO. I walk the line between responsibility and consideration of others and the need to retreat — sometimes because my body requires it (like a few times this winter when illness or the possibility of illness made me do so) and sometimes because my mind needs rest and the idea of striving, connecting when my soul is longing for aloneness is too much to bear.

But Spring, it is in the air. And this sallow period of rest perhaps is coming to an end. The summer is loaded with activity. The Spring is a launch.

I need to emerge from the chrysalis.

When the landscapers are done mulching. And the frogs are sunning themselves by the pool.

But maybe for one or two more weeks….I will rest.