We are people who normally would not mix. But there exists among us a fellowship, a friendliness, and an understanding which is indescribably wonderful.
—The Big Book, p. 17
Remix:
Some of our parts would rather pretend others did not exist. But when they can acknowledge each other and recognize that 🔵Self🌼 regards all of them with the 8 Cs, they find a fellowship, a friendliness, and an understanding which is indescribably wonderful.
Commentary:
When Pittsburgh was the steel capital of the world, the workers lived smack up against the mills along the narrow “flats” of the riverside. The flats had just enough room to squeeze in a sprawling steel mill and the rudiments of a town. Then a hill kicked up steeply to a plateau on average 400 feet above the river. The smoke and soot would settle into the river valley so that the steelworkers and their families lived in a continuous haze. But the Managers lived on the plateau, above the “burning valley” and clear of its pollution.
Many steelworkers were literally firefighters. They fought with blast furnaces all day and night. Rarely did the Firefighters and Managers meet, and when they did, it was often a scene of conflict, such as the Homestead Strike in 1892, when the workers and their families barricaded the mill to keep scabs and Managers out.
When AA got going in Pittsburgh, many of its members were surprised and delighted to find—besides freedom from alcohol—that they could become friends across social class. Managers and labor could mix in the AA meeting in the church basement as they rarely could in the rest of life, even upstairs in the church sanctuary on Sundays.
Our internal systems can often feel like a nineteenth-century steel town. Managers and Firefighters rarely meet, and when they do, they fight. Their families (the other parts they try to protect) meet even less; they might as well inhabit different continents.
But IFS work changes that. Guided “meditations” or “experiential exercises” feature prominently in IFS. The guide often asks you to imagine your 🔵Self🌼 and your parts in a comfortable space. We can imagine our parts in a typical church basement—concrete floors, drop ceilings, fluorescent lights, cold metal folding chairs, the smell of burnt coffee. There’s a woman in a pricy track suit, her face and hair still made up from her day job as an attorney. There’s a guy in work boots whose fingernails never come clean. We met him a few months ago when he got out of prison, sober for seven years already, but just beginning the hard adult life on the outside. We are surprised to see our kid’s sixth-grade science teacher. Everybody loves him! How could he be an alcoholic? Etc.
When we are new to IFS, our parts are just as nervous as that guy walking into a meeting for the first time. They don’t know anybody else in the room, and they don’t want to be known. Eventually, though, after many months or years, we realize that the room is full of welcome and support. Even if they don’t like us, they love us! There are no bad parts, and there are no bad recovering alcoholics. They all want what’s best for us—even if they don’t always see the best way to help.
Once our parts start to trust 🔵Self🌼, they become more able to trust and open up to each other. The Managers become Curious about the Firefighters and have Compassion for what they are trying to achieve. The Firefighters can Calm down, without having to feel they are constantly under the critical scrutiny of the Managers. Each of the parts can think Creatively about new ways to get along.
The goal of 🔵Self-Leadership🌼 is for all of our parts to “find a fellowship, a friendliness, and an understanding which is indescribably wonderful.”
Close your eyes and imagine a space for your parts to meet together, perhaps like in an AA meeting, or any space you think they will feel safe and comfortable.
What does the space look like?
Invite some or all of your parts to enter the space and have a seat.
Can you give your Self enough space to chair the meeting?
Who feels terrified, like it’s their first meeting?
Who is resentful to be there? Who feels like they are only there by court order?
How might your Self help these fearful and resentful parts to feel welcomed, seen, and loved for who they are?
Are there “class” tensions among your parts? Which of your parts consider themselves superior to others?
Think back over experiences you have had when your parts have enjoyed a sense of fellowship, friendliness, or understanding, even if it was just between Self and one of your parts. Thank them for this openness to the goods of life together.
Tell all of your parts they can meet You here again. They don’t have to like each other right away. Fellowship can take a long time to achieve. You will keep showing up for them.
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