GENIUS IDEAS for your HINGE PROFILE

Many people keep asking me Ideas Guy Ideas Guy! How do I optimize my Hinge profile so I can go on lots of dates with high-value Big Ten alum salesmen and junior consulting associates1?

I haven’t been on Hinge in a few years but I do miss the monthly ritual of shamefully redownloading the app and re-creating my profile, trying to come up with different angles, different personalities, for catching my dream man. I can say I did it enough that I got quite good at it. Here I’ll lay out some of the most common Hinge prompts and time-tested responses that will boost your profile into the stratosphere.

Weigh 135 pounds

My height is already on the profile so let’s just lay it all out there and let him do a quick BMI calculation.

Calves, probably

You’re walking on them all day.

Being a casting director who casts freaky unknowns

I’ve kind of always been waiting for this to happen. I would fall for many serial killer type scenarios if a guy told me he wanted to cast me as an extra in Anora or Marty Supreme or whatever.

Your friend

Just being honest! We don’t know each other yet! You can’t be offended!

Oldest

Also just being honest!

When I was in an Uber in Toronto and the driver pulled over to pee on the side of the road

Again, this is kind of cool chill girl vibes. Shows you’re well-traveled (have been to another English-speaking North American city.)

Freak out when they light a cocktail on fire

This shows that you’re low-maintenance and chill (don’t need to go to any fancy cocktail bars) and responsible (afraid of fire.)

Getting banned from the bar

We can’t go there though. Or you could go there without me.

A grass wall and a neon sign

And you bet your ass they serve sugary cocktails in some weirdly-shaped extra-large glass! Maybe a goblet or a boot of some sort!

Well, I guess it can’t be your name, age, hometown, current neighborhood, Zodiac sign, vaccination status, political affiliations, where you went to school, whether you drink, smoke weed, or Pills, whatever the Pills option is supposed to represent (seriously, is it implying that you do coke or mushrooms or Xanax or, like, just that you’re on Prozac? All/any of the above? Not to be 80 years old but why on Earth would you put that on a dating profile. Am I the only one who remembers the phrase digital footprint), what you’re looking for, whether you want kids, a couple pictures of yourself, and a couple failed attempts at sounding funny or cool or mysterious, because I know that already.

I love that I am on the perfect app for learning all that stuff!!!! And wait— I get to do it again with another guy the second I swipe? Am I the luckiest girl in the world or what??????

Thank you all for reading !!!!! Going classic ideas guy mode today!!! it feels good to be back churning out a random chunk of thoughts in a couple hours and posting it. big big fun stuff coming soon though so stay tuned.

I feel like I always say that and then the stuff in question is very normal and routine. we’ll see.

also ideas guy is LATER today. I always shoot for 7am central because i like picturing all my midwest and east coast friends reading Ideas Guy on the train or with their coffee. but I am on the west coast for the time being… shoutout to my BART and MUNI readers…. read Ideas Guy with your Erewhon smoothie idgaf… the east coast can read Ideas Guy over their lunchtime chopped cheese or lobster roll or something.