BANGER METRICS for the MODERN AGE

Some years ago, at the prodigious age of nineteen, my friends wrote a simple text that would define our lives for the following years: the Banger Metrics. A simple list, a taxonomy if you will, of signs that a party had been good.

The original image of the Banger Metrics, which I can’t share here because it exudes I’m-Schmacked-video energy at a level that could potentially blind my readers, is a whiteboard with things like “Overflow (porch),” “‘Who lives here?’”, “Rogue vape,” “Hookups,” “Sticky floor,” “Drunk cigs,” “Hazing,” “All tiers",” “‘I wish I were there’ (x2),” “minor crime,” “people pregame the pregame” and “geeds” checked off. Thankfully, “broken glass,” “injuries,” “fire (bon?)” and “cops” are unchecked.

But despite the “I hope this gets on Barstool” energy of it all, it’s an interesting question. What does make a good party? What makes a party memorable?

The Banger Metrics are not always moral (see: “infidelity”) or ethical (see: “theft (major)“) or good (“see: fight”.) A party that hits all the Banger Metrics would be terrifying. A Banger Metric should not be treated as a to-do, but an ethnographic survey point. They are an after-the-fact measuring tool. You should just throw a party and see what unfolds, using the Banger Metrics to observe and take stock the next day.

The only issue with the Banger Metrics, as they currently stand, is that they’re outdated.

Some are evergreen, like a crowd overflowing onto the porch, or two friends-of-friends leaving together. But the first two are “MIRROR SNAPS” and “SNAPS AT THE PREGAME”— these days, nobody with an active Snapchat account is getting into my party as they’re probably a pervert and a liability. And I thank God every night before bed that I never have to think about “geeds” and “tiers” again, or any other made-up Greek Life terms that made it onto the Metrics (a candidate for the most embarrassing entry is “BELITTLE FRAT BOY.”)

Now that I’m in my mid-twenties, the first generation of metrics just aren’t as relevant. It’s too easy to measure this stuff in college, when it’s shiny and new. It’s a harder challenge when you’re in your mid-twenties; a bit more mature, brain mostly solidified, no longer charmed by bottom-shelf vodka, but nowhere close to calm, house-in-the-suburbs territory.

Like any respectable academic text, we need to release a new edition. So a few months ago, a few friends and I sat down to recontextualize the Banger Metrics for our modern times. Here are the highlights.

Coworker at the function. You either approach them and get to break the friend-ice with them, turning them from coworker to friend, or you get to watch them from afar and see what that little freak gets up to.

Either way it’s something to gossip about, either with them or behind their back, on Monday.

Someone gets up and says “hey, we’re going to go to McCallahan’s or whatever the fuck at 11,” but their coup doesn’t gain any momentum and the party rages on. Extra points if it wasn’t a planned house party, just a pregame gone off the rails. The more times this happens the better; your house has a magnetic pull on its guests.

It’s the greatest compliment a host could possibly get: that no bar in the world could be more fun than your party.

Who is that guy? Who does he know here? We don’t know, but he’s still here, it’s 3AM, and it’s actually randomly fine.

It’s so, so rare that this happens; there’s a reason the phrase “overstay your welcome” has such an unpleasant tone. But sometimes the clinger is cool, or at least a fun presence to have around. Extra points for every degree of connection away that this person is from you.

Oh, you want to spread joy, be vulnerable, spark conversations, show you don’t take yourself too seriously? I have the answer for you, and you’re not going to like it: it’s pranks. I am extremely pro-prank. A prank can really take any function to new heights, as long as it’s not mean-spirited and doesn’t stain my clothes.

Months ago, I got got at a bar by some strangers who asked me for a photo. Flattered, I said sure I guess, and then they did this to me. I laughed for about five minutes.

Again, the Banger Metrics cannot be mapped onto morals and ethics; this one is simply an addition for the times. We’re not in college anymore. There are MARRIED PEOPLE at the function. Not often, but sometimes. Hopefully they just took that ring off because they thought your party would be crowded and wanted to keep the expensive jewelry at home…

You know the kind. “YOU LOOK SO GOOD!” shouted from across the room. “I love your JACKETTTTT” from a drunk girl on the bus. Really brings the vibe up.

I guess this is just a compliment? I guess this is just a compliment. A loud one.

Or, really, any past life that comes up unexpectedly. Isn’t it cool that now we’re old enough that we have past lives?

You’re not the person you used to be. Your head hurts in the morning now. You get hangxiety now. You don’t have a house full of girls to debrief with; you’re left alone, in the dark, mind racing about everything you did the night before. A “thanks I had fun!” or “last night was soooo” fun! text goes a long way, and is irrefutable proof, no matter what your head is telling you, that last night was good and you acted normal.

PLEASE comment your Modern Banger Metrics below. I NEED TO HEAR THEM! Maybe if we rack up enough in the comments I’ll post the original photo.

xoxo

Liz