Losing

This year I stepped into the ring for the first time and lost.

I was sure I will win, the core of me always believes that I'm better and I can beat anyone. The forgotten part was wanting the win. I did not want it enough.

This experience made my memories of childhood tennis tournaments open wide. Throwing the racket around, shouting at yourself, crying in the woods afterwards. I forgot that the fight was never with the enemy, but with reflection of yourself in the opponent. The one you hate afterwards is yourself.

You can fight for your life, play seemingly endless tiebreak, almost place yourself up there on the podium, but then something happens, in the split second you already lost. There is no fight anymore, you just lose the points like you never wanted to win.

What you see is the effect of the fight, not the fight itself. Whether it is artillery fight on the tennis pitch, ground offensive on the football stadium, direct combat on the ring - the fight is taking place in the other space.

I don't really remember the fight, the videos of it feel like an alternate version of it. The second the fight ended, I was sure I can beat him if we start over now, I was sure that I'm better. Next time, I have to want it more.