Addiction

I am an addict.

Does this sentence even mean anything? This sentence coming through a wall of shame usually means something only to you, it signals that you are aware of the elephant. At some point you realize that this behaviour, which you enjoyed with many benefits, is having negative consequences on your life. You don't want it and don't control it anymore. This is when you say the line.

One evening I am enjoying a smoke with my friends, talking for hours about all those things I would normally be shy about, feeling the anxiety dissolve. The next morning I need to hit a bong before work to wake up. On the way I put on the podcast and scroll through the feed, but once I get there, I have no recollection of what I've just seen or how much time has passed.

If something is good and can be done regularly, why shouldn't it become the routine? Social interactions, stress relief, focus, sleep. Those are all good things, we all want them, they will make our lives better.

We are all addicts, so why should I, a major stoner, be called the addict in the room? The deeper you fall, the more you know about flying.

Every time I roll one up and let it burn, I slowly start to feel the disgust. The disgust showing me how much I am addicted to my daily internet use.

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It seems that I can do everything while stoned and I am better at it. My grandma loves my stories, my friends enjoy how open I have become, people in the shop are smiling when I smile at them. I am constantly up to date with new technologies, because I am always online. I feel that I am informed, my career is progressing. I turn on the youtube video in the background.

Time passes, the behaviour is in place, there is no need for rewards anymore. You have transformed your conscious intention into unconscious need.

I don't hear my thoughts anymore, something is always on, I am always slightly high. Something is going wrong, grandma, friends and people in the shop start looking at me differently. Do they know?

Guilt and shame drive the behaviour now, this becomes the next feedback loop. You are not reaching for the good anymore, but just want to escape the bad and you know that one tool that can do it very well. It is your friend.

I see the elephant now, it is sitting still. It has always been there, it always will be there. I can't scare it away, I can't hide it and I can't blind myself anymore. I try to look straight at it, but it tries to hide in plain sight.