When Those Closest to Us Say We Don’t Listen.

You can listen to me share this journal entry, read it below, or both!

This tongue-in-cheek statement is something I heard many years ago. I’ve shared it with a smile from time to time when it illustrates a truth any married person has experienced from one side or the other of its [hopefully] humorous reality.

While we may smile at it because of the truth it embodies in a few words, the damage this condition can cause is real and adversely affects many family members, business associates, friends, employees, and others with whom we spend our time.

Let’s look at how we can improve our ability to be the type of people others seek out because when they are with us, they know they are seen, heard, and appreciated.

Here’s a brief self-test to see if you believe you genuinely listen to people. There are plenty of other questions we might consider; however, these three are enough to shed light on our ability and willingness to listen.

Answer each question with a quick “yes” or “no” without qualifying your answer or rationalizing your thoughts:

1. Do you ask drill-down questions to gain a deeper understanding of others without sharing your views until they are requested or you ask permission to share them?

2. Are you a facilitator of discovery for others in conversations, rather than the provider of answers or advice?

3. When you disagree with what someone is saying, do you avoid sharing your opinion so you have the opportunity to understand them without interrupting their thought process?

If you answered “yes” to all three questions, you might be a world-class listener!

If you answered “yes” to two or more, you may be doing much better than most people. Consider whether you’re satisfied being an above-average listener, or if you want to improve in this area.

If you answered “yes” to only one or none of the questions, you may want to consider the very real possibility that you are damaging your relationships with others and limiting your opportunities, both personally and professionally, due to your lack of listening skills. Again, it’s your call. If you’re okay with that, no need to act. If you’re not, the good news is that there’s a viable path to improvement, and you’re in the place to discover the tools you need to make that journey.

Share

With your direct, yes/no answers (no “Yes, but…” or other qualifications) in place, go ask a few people who are closest to you the questions below. They contain essentially the same points, just reworded for your convenience in asking them to other people.

The audience for this exercise might include your spouse or partner, co-workers, employees, friends, family members, business partners, or other members of the circles in which you interact.

• Have the conversations one-on-one in private settings.

• When setting a time to have each conversation, tell the person you are working on some self-improvement matters and would like to get their honest feedback on some key points, asking them when the best time is to talk so they can be focused.

• When meeting to talk, warm up the exercise by asking the other person to be open and to answer each question quickly (first thoughts matter!) with a simple “yes” or “no” with no qualification or explanation. Let them know that the two of you can go back and discuss any of the questions further after they have answered all of them quickly and directly with their yes/no responses.

• Ask each question, get their yes/no response, then immediately go on to the next question. This momentum is key to gaining genuine responses. Save additional questions for after the initial questions are asked and answered.

1. When you talk to me, hoping to be listened to, do I ask questions to gain a deeper understanding without sharing my views until you ask to hear them, or I ask permission to share them?

2. Do I help facilitate your discovery of answers, rather than simply sharing my answers or advice initially?

3. When we disagree, do I avoid sharing my opinion so I have the opportunity to understand you without interrupting your thought process?

As you ask these questions and listen to the answers, don’t limit your audience members’ feedback to the words they share. Facial expressions and body language will add much to the meaning of their feedback. If they are answering “yes” to each question but you see fear in their eyes, they avert their gaze, pause before answering, or squirm or otherwise fidget, weigh these factors into their responses. The purpose of this exercise isn’t to validate your beliefs about your listening skills; it’s to see if you have blind spots you’re not aware of.

A sense of uneasiness or fear, coupled with a “yes” response, likely means they are afraid to share their true view and are fudging their answer. This same countenance, coupled with a “no” response, likely means they are sharing their genuine feelings, but are afraid that their honesty may offend you.

Once you have all three answers from a given respondent, you may choose to ask further questions about their responses, if you want deeper insights.

Since the topic of this exercise is how well you listen, be aware of whether you feel defensive — or even become verbally defensive — to the other person’s initial answers or deeper insights about how well you listen. If you feel defensive, I will submit that you have your answer right there: you have some room to grow in your listening skills.

Share

Once you’ve considered your own answers to the assessment questions, then combined them with the answers you received from others, it’s time to reflect on your discoveries and decide what you want to do with the insights you’ve gained.

• Were you surprised by any of your own answers to the questions?

• Did the answers you received from others give you new insights into the way other people perceive you as a listener?

• Are you satisfied with the current state of your mindset, ability, and willingness to listen?

• What do you want to do with what you’ve discovered?

The resources below can help you improve your listening skills, become a more effective leader, a sought-after employee, an in-demand mentor, and a highly regarded friend and family member. You don’t need to dive into all of them. Consider the descriptions accompanying each link and invest a few minutes into the ones that most directly address what you discovered in your self-assessment and conversations with others about your listening skills.