And Now a Quick Word From My Dog

Hi! My name is Biff. That’s what they call me: I’m a dog.

I sniff butts for a living. In my spare time I lick my balls and play fetch with my humans. For shits and giggles, I love to harass the mailman when he walks on our property. Luckily for him, my bark is worse than my bite. Seeing him turn white and run like those squirrels I chase gives me street cred with the neighborhood dogs.

Cats suck! Lazy bastards who don’t have to be walked to defecate. They just shit in a sandy box and then go back to the windowsill basking in the sun. Oh sure, they’ll capture a mouse and swat it like they’re in a pickleball match once in a while. But can they sit up? Can they learn commands? Can they give you their paw without scratching you in the eyes or cuddle with their owner? Do they hump your leg? The answer is: No! We are forever loyal. We will eternally be considered man’s best friend, no matter what. Well, except for the times he brings home hot chicks. Then forget about it: pussy takes precedent until the morning.

Don’t forget—a dog willingly lets himself be neutered—if that’s what you want. Take the testicles but leave the scrotum intact, OK? I like to flash them to the babes at the dog park.

Well, that’s all I got. That fire hydrant is calling my name.

Biff

THE END

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