what i learnt when i was distant from Allah

i think sometimes we mistake distance for disconnection. but looking back, i realise that even when i felt far from Allah, i was never really disconnected. even in the moments i thought i had strayed, the fact that my heart ached and longed for Him was proof that He had never left me.

growing up, i always knew about Allah. i come from a religious family, alhamdulillah. not strict or scary, but full of love. my parents and siblings always prayed, my dad read the Quran every night without fail, we had constant reminders of the deen in the house. islam was always present. but for me, islam always felt like something i was watching from the outside. i didn’t have the same opportunities as other kids. because of my disability, i didn’t attend classes at the masjid, i didn’t have access to the same lessons, the same environment. and for a long time, that made me feel different. left out. confused. maybe even a little ashamed.

i remember watching my friends at school, some reciting surahs beautifully, some praying confidently, talking about islam in ways that seemed so natural, while i just sat there, feeling like maybe i didn’t belong. maybe i wasn’t enough. i would think, maybe Allah is out of reach for me. maybe i’m a fake muslim. maybe i can’t be a real muslim because of my disability. sometimes i felt judged. sometimes i judged myself harshly. even though deep down i knew it wasn’t my fault, those feelings were real. they shaped the way i saw myself and my relationship with Allah for years.

i didn’t really have moments of doubt in the sense of questioning Allah’s existence or mercy. it was more confusion, longing, sadness that i didn’t know what everyone else seemed to know naturally. i wanted to feel the beauty of islam the way others seemed to, but i didn’t know how.