Living With a Misogynist

You probably think the title is just click bait right? Wrong, it's not . I swear. Now that I'm back in school, I have some tea from my practicum.

So,on February, we were to choose schools where we were to do our practicum. I had a couple of schools to choose from since I was planning to stay with my sister, meaning the schools had to be around her house. Unfortunately, all the schools were full because they had already taken other practicum teachers from other colleges and universities.

I had this “friend” from 2023,we had not met before but we used to FaceTime alot . We shared almost everything: our personal stories and views in almost everything ranging from politics, marriage, feminism, religion,you name them. I know you probably have a question on how I wrote the word friend right ? You're nosy

Let's call this “friend” X . Me and x met in 2023 through Facebook. If you've come across mimi sipendi ujinga Facebook page..idk if it still exists, but yeah..that is exactly where we met. X straight up told me he was looking for a wife and I told him I'm looking for a guy to use him for his money and he laughed about it because, in his words “women who want to do that rarely say it explicitly , “

I'll spare you the details on how we shared our contacts and “kinda" dated online without meeting or meating. Wierd right? Maybe not. Who cares?

I have actually skipped alot of parts, to reach the most important part of the story. When I found out the schools I had picked were all full, I started looking for other schools but I didn't want to pick any school in my village. This particular day , X called me. In our conversation, I mentioned how picking a school for my practicum is exhausting. I casually asked him to host me and he said that was okay. We joked alot so I thought that was one of our jokes, minutes later, he sent me the head of institution’s number and told me to call himband make an inquiry if there's a vacancy. The school was also full.

Mind you,if you couldn't get a school,your zone coordinator would just throw you in any school,a school you don't even know where it's located,whether you're comfortable or not. That was exactly what I wa trying to avoid. I told him the school was already full, he sent me another contact, a different school. Fortunately enough the head of institution said there's a vacancy but no accomodations. I told him I'm okay, I'll get my own accomodation(x’s place) but of course I didn't really say that.

Schools were opening on 27th and I had an examination up to 23rd of April so you only have the weekend to travel and prepare because on Monday you should be in school. On the 26th of April, I traveled from Eldoret to kericho.

Kericho.

Got there at around 11:30pm. Tired and bear in mind the next day I'm supposed to report to the shool I picked.

Anyway, so X has a girlfriend. I said earlier that we kinda dated right? Well,as time went by I realized we're not compatible, I am an atheist, child-free and a feminist. He is a Christian,wants three kids, and a “traditional man. “( I'll get back to the traditional part later). When I first got to his place, I think it's the third day or so, we had an argument. I mean we always argued on alot of things but this particular day he said feminism is bs. On the phone, we used to argue and in most cases we would finally agree on something. So when he said feminism was bs, i felt like this guy has been putting up an act and now this is the real him. (Spoiler alert.. I was right).

He started telling me how he is a traditional African man. Sista,when you hear an African man say this please, ..

Now here is the sad part. He once told me that marriage requires two fools, that two smart people cannot be in a relationship. He said, he'll never be dumb one. He rejects “western ideologies " like feminism. Mind you, before I went to his place, we talked about these topics we really agreed on everything apart from the fact that he once said that once his wife gives birth, he'd take her to the gym so that she doesn't lose her shape and become fat🤦🤦.

When we had this discussion back in April,a few weeks before I went to his place, I had to insult him. A woman sacrificing her body so that you can be a dad,and the first thing you see is " being fat??” I straight up told him he doesn't deserve kids and I pity the woman who will marry him. A woman's body, if we are being real needs one year plus to heal after childbirth but here's a clown who needs his wife in the gym immediately after birth so as to be attractive to him. My jaw dropped when he said, " I have bad friends and if my future wife gets fat, they'll laugh at me and I'll never win any argument.” I swear on my two tits he said that. Did I mention that he's very fatphobic? You probably noticed.Like extremely. Misogyny has many shades and this is one of them. Her body is just for your consumption,not giving a fuck about her health..just thinking about yourself,how to be happy at the cost of her well being. Some of these men do hate women. A lot.

This is just the beginning but let's talk about the kind of woman that will marry him. This is a lady who will be expected to shrink herself,put her husband's needs before hers,be a perpetual student to this man. The guy..who is marrying for his friends not for himself. That aside. Men seek male validation more than women. That is why they always project it to women. When a woman wears makeup, certain clothes or does something,they assume it is for the male audience because everything men do is for the make audience.

Back to X saying he is a traditional African man. Any African man saying this is actually a red flag. And I know there's a man reading this asking themselves how? I'll explain. There's nothing traditional about you guys. In most cases, when you say you're traditional African men,it means you want a slaves who don't complain. You want to be oppressors just like your grandfathers. I have never seen a secure man with that bs. Yes I said it..bs. More often than not, what you really mean is that you want women who will tolerate mistreatment without questioning it. You want wives like our grandmothers, but only the version of our grandmothers who were expected to endure suffering in silence. You want to be like our grandfathers who exercised unquestioned authority over their wives, not because that was inherently African, but because women often had little social power to resist.

What makes it even more ironic is that X is a christian. He said he rejects Western ideologies while practicing a western religion introduced through colonialism. He proudly claim to defend African tradition while embracing Christianity without question.

Another day, he said his future wife must speak fluent English because sometimes his friends speak "pure English," and if she couldn't keep up, it would embarrass him. Jfc🤦are men people?? I was being traumatized at least once a week.

If you're truly a traditional African man, why is your standard fluency in English instead of fluency in your own Dholuo? Why are you worried about being judged by other men for not speaking the language of the colonizer? Oh I know..it is because your whole life is more of a status symbol in a homosocial competition.

Wouldn't a genuinely traditional African man take pride in his own language and culture instead?This selective traditionalism is fascinating. Christianity is accepted. English,ccepted..Colonial institutions? accepted. But the moment women demand equality, autonomy, or freedom, suddenly it's "Western ideology."

This is where I came to realize that this isn't about preserving African traditions. It's about cherry-picking whatever gives men power while discarding whatever doesn't. Colonial influences are welcomed when they benefit men, but condemned the moment they benefit women.

I'll continue the rest of this story tomorrow.. probably. It will make you so mad as much as it made me. … And just to point out. Feminism is not a western ideology .