“I’m such a giver, I never do anything for myself”

I just out of the blue remembered that so many times during the six years that I was with my trans identified ex husband that he would act sad and guilty about cross dressing. I can’t even remember what would trigger it.

I don’t think I tried to stop him from cross dressing. I went shopping for clothes with him. I went out to gay bars with him when he was presenting as female. I tried to be supportive. As a covert narc he played on my empathy and tried to make me feel guilty for feeling uncomfortable when he did things that were obviously gay or that were high risk.

In fact I feel like a complete fool for feeding into his autogynephilia fetish. I feel like an idiot for not listening to my gut and feeling sorry for him.

“I mean I don’t ever do anything for myself, you know? This is all I have for me. I’m always such a giver.” Then he would start crying. “I do everything for everyone else and this is what I do for me.”

He watched porn a lot. I think he was addicted. His entire work schedule was set up so he could get home early before me. He literally lost promotions and raises so he could get home and watch porn. Who knows what else he was doing online. Probably posting photos of himself in lingerie, who knows. But yeah, he never did anything for himself.

He was a binge drinker. He drank a lot every weekend. And sometimes during the week. He would stay out until 3 or 4 am sometimes with his drag hag friends. But he never did anything for himself.

I know now that he was taking testosterone blockers and estrogen behind my back. What a humanitarian. What a giving selfless man. He took away my right to decide if I wanted to have sex with a trans person. In fact I told him from the beginning that I didn’t want that.

He made himself out to be a victim of society and acted like cross dressing was “just a hobby” while taking hormones, spending entire nights flirting with gay men and being addicted to most likely trans porn.

I think when he referred to how selfless he was it was in terms of not coming out as gay. Maybe he felt like not coming out was being kind to his parents. For some reason he was able to get them to accept him as a lesbian but he is too afraid to tell them that he is a gay man.

But that’s not being selfless. It’s being a coward. Maybe he felt that marrying me was a huge sacrifice because he had to have sex with another woman instead of getting the dick really wanted.

He is one of the most selfish people I have ever known. I have no idea why he would go into these “I’m so selfless and such a victim and I deserve to crossdress” episodes. But looking back it’s just so outstandingly bizarre that he was literally raping me by deception and committed marriage fraud and was dragging three children into his sociopathic lies while crying about being a giver.