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On my latest Instagram poll, 96% of 581 moms said they didn’t like to share their baby. While this isn’t official research and reflects the small sample size of my audience, these findings are interesting when we consider how they interface with the expectations of family members, friends, and other folks in the village to hold the baby during visits.

For starters, most people are not informed on what is actually happening to a new mother after she delivers a baby, including other mothers. The majority of the research on matrescence, or the psychological process of becoming a mother, was conducted in the last 15 years. Unless you’ve consciously read or exposed yourself to this research, you’re not going to understand why a new mother is so hypervigilant and how hormones like prolactin and oxytocin sculpt her brain to be the attuned, present, responsive mother her baby needs for survival. Instead of receiving validation, care, and support, new moms are likely to be labeled, overprotective, anxious, or even selfish for setting boundaries around their proximity to their baby.

The way we treat infants in this culture is still largely driven by cultural myth and social ideology. How many times have we heard, “it’s good for them to cry,” “he needs to get used to this,” or “she won’t remember any of this” as justification for low-nurture caregiving behavior? When I had just delivered my son, for example, he was routinely subjected to a heelprick to monitor his jaundice levels. I had several nurses and doctors reassure me that “he won’t remember how this feels” despite the fact that research shows early experiences of pain can shape the limbic system, or the emotional part of the brain. Even medical professionals who specialize in infant care are not familiar with the latest neuroscience research on the infant brain.

We wouldn’t resist giving a crying baby back to their mother or chastise that mother for her closeness to her baby. We would celebrate their closeness, praise a new mother’s responsiveness, and acknowledge that baby’s dependence as perfectly developmentally natural. We wouldn’t give mothers tips on how to make the baby need her less or pressure mothers to let other people soothe a baby that only wants her. We would would respect infant dependency and maternal protectiveness as sacred, natural parts of postpartum.

In this article, we’re going to name seven research-backed reasons why new moms may not want to share their baby. As a new mom, I hope it’s validates your experience and helps you feel less alone. If you are not a new mom, but you have a new mom in your village, I hope you use this information to inform your interactions with her. Let’s get into it!

Maternal vigilance is a psychological state of protectiveness that mothers experience in pregnancy and postpartum. It is an adaptation that ensures infant survival and it exists across most mammalian species. In the third trimester, mothers show increased vigilance to threats such as fearful and angry faces. In early postpartum, mothers demonstrate heightened sensitivity to infant cues such as their cries and smiles (Kim, 2017). The amygdala, the center of the brain responsible for processing emotion and danger, dramatically changes during the postpartum period and becomes larger, which heightens mothers’ sensitivity to threat (Luders et al., 2021). Prolactin, the hormone responsible for regulating breastfeeding, directs aggression and hostility from nursing mothers toward who the brain registers as “out-group members” (Kellner, 1984). Last, parental preoccupation, or a state of mind and behavior associated with frequent checking and worrying on the baby, peaks immediately after childbirth and decreases at 3-4 months, right when the fourth trimester ends (Kim, 2017).

Babies have extremely vulnerable brains and nervous systems (Buckley, 2008). They do not possess the ability to regulate themselves and they fully depend on caregivers for meeting their emotional and physiological needs. Biological infant sleep expert Dr. James McKenna uses the term exogestation to describe this time in the first few months of a baby’s life and he says that the mother’s body is akin to the womb for the newborn. As baby adjusts to life outside of the womb, mom’s voice, heartbeat, and touch signal the very comfort and safety they experienced in the womb. Skin-to-skin contact with mom regulates baby’s digestive, respiratory, and cardiovascular processes (McKenna, 2020). Just being in mom's presence is regulating for the vulnerable infant and it makes biological sense that mothers would prioritize their baby’s proximity during a time of profound dependence.

Oxytocin intensifies the the emotional bond between a baby and his or her mother and it is released with frequent holding (Yoshida & Funato, 2017). When mother and baby gaze into each other’s eyes, vocalize, and exchange touch through holding and contact, their brains are bathed in this bonding neurohormone. Additionally, frequent holding and skin-to-skin contact have long-term positive impacts on baby’s emotional resilience, self-esteem, and relationships (Kirshenbaum, 2023). Supportive touch changes a baby’s heart rate and moves them into parasympathetic activation, a state of calm in the nervous system (Yoshida & Funato, 2017). Babies are wired to be held, and they are born with a proximity-seeking instinct for the mother who carried them for nine months.

We’ve established that every time mom holds baby, her brain releases the bonding hormone oxytocin which deepens her attachment with baby. Oxytocin also plays another crucial role for the postpartum mother who chooses to breastfeed: it allows milk to let down so baby can nurse effectively. Holding her baby produces a feedback loop that helps the new mother breastfeed. And if baby is having issues nursing, whether they are on a nursing strike, working through latch issues, or fighting a fast letdown, being held in their mother’s arms relaxes them enough to try nursing again. When moms are breastfeeding, protecting the exclusivity of holding their baby, especially during the first 3-6 months, protects the breastfeeding relationship as it is being established. Baby may want to comfort nurse or cluster feed, and bringing baby to the breast as often as possible regulates mom’s milk supply and ensures baby is getting the comfort and nutrition they need.

Research shows that the more mothers hold their babies, the more likely they are to feel confident, responsible, and strong (Feng & Zhang, 2024). Holding baby frequently not only develops the attachment between a mother and her baby, but it also increases her self-esteem at a time when her identity is destabilized, especially if she is a new mother. Additionally, holding and nursing baby regulates mom’s hormones after birth when she experiences the sharpest hormone drop of her life. The oxytocin released from skin-to-skin contact is an anti-stress hormone that reduces postpartum anxiety and even diminishes sensitivity to pain, making for a smooth transition into postpartum if mom had a painful or traumatic birth.

Babies are born with immature immune and nervous systems. Around three months of age, these systems start to become more robust, but initially, they are extremely fragile (Buckley, 2008). Babies are more susceptible to illness and overstimulation when they are held by multiple people. Keeping baby in their mother or primary caregiver’s arms limits their exposure and reduces risk.

New mothers are wired to care for their own babies and keep them close. Prolactin helps a new mother prioritize her baby’s needs and engage in “offspring-directed behaviors,” or behaviors such as grooming, soothing, and feeding baby. This hormone also creates high levels of motivation in the mother to soothe and interact with her baby (Georgescu et al., 2021). For this reason, many postpartum mothers cannot relax when they see someone else caring for their baby, no matter how well-intentioned, safe, or competent that caregiver is. Prolactin creates an almost compulsive need in the mother to address a baby’s needs themselves (Buckley, 2008).

Wanting to hold your own baby is biologically normal and reflective of neurohormonal changes, the attachment relationship, and an awareness of your baby’s dependency needs.

With you and rooting for you on your motherhood journey,

7 Biological Reasons You Don't Want Anyone Else to Hold Your Baby

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